The Illumination Project Journal (10 Pack)

We all need love and respect equally. But, during conflict our felt needs are as different as pink is from blue.

You must distinguish between “I can’t” and “I won’t.”

Suppressing negative feelings is not loving, respectful or very wise. Speak up tactfully.

Men are solution oriented, they love to solve problems. They want to be helpful.

Your spouse can affect you, but your spouse does not control you.

A wife has one driving need: to feel loved. When that need is met, she is happy. A husband has one driving need: to feel respected. When that need is met, he is happy. When either of these needs isn’t met, things get crazy with conflict.

Trust God when the “why’s” of life threaten to overwhelm you.

When there is confusion, I try to refrain from attacking another for not listening carefully (which may not be the case). Instead, I take a run at communicating again, but more clearly.

Husbands primarily want to hear ‘respect” talk during conflict. Wives primarily want to hear “love” talk during conflict.

Your husband knows you value his friendship when you tell him you like him and you show it (he knows you love him, but he often wonders if you really like him).

Each of you must focus on what God is calling you to do toward your spouse. Do not focus on what you think God is calling your spouse to do toward you.

His love blesses regardless of her respect; her respect blesses regardless of his love.

We might say that every negative action in the family has an equal and opposite negative reaction.

If a husband loves his wife as he should, she will feel honored and respected. If a wife respects her husband as she should, he will feel loved and appreciated. It’s a win-win.

There is a discrepancy between who we want to be and see ourselves to be and how we actually sound in voice and writing. But with self-reflection and honesty, we can turn the corner and improve our communication. We need only evaluate what we are about to communicate.

Thank the Lord for all the trouble-free moments in which you and your spouse enjoy Him, each other, your family, your ministry and life as a whole. Ask Him for the strength to accept your measure of trouble, and the wisdom to deal with the annoyances and irritations by loving and respecting each other with new commitment. (You may also want to pray about troubles at work, at church, with the children…) “But those who marry will have trouble in this life” (1 Corinthians 7:28)

Troubles over sex and money do not cause a marriage to go under. The lack of love and respect during conflict cause the marriage to go under.

You may believe that the careless, unloving or disrespectful words you speak are because your spouse is causing you to speak this way, but Jesus says that it is coming out of your heart.

When a husband feels disrespected, it is especially hard to love his wife. When a wife feels unloved, it is especially hard to respect her husband.

God designed the woman to love. He’s not going to command her to agape her husband when He created her to do that in the first place. God is not into redundancy.

In the ultimate sense you marriage has nothing to do with your spouse. It has everything to do with your relationship with Jesus Christ.

Do you give yourself grace and your spouse judgment?

When you look to God and His Word as your ultimate source of significance and security, you don’t demand that your spouse take that role in your life. And as you draw strength from the Lord individually, He draws you closer together as a couple.

Do you bow to the influence of Hollywood or God’s Holy Word?

Just because you may feel unloved or disrespected does not mean your spouse is sending that message.

The Love and Respect message is not about a husband earning his wife’s respect by being more loving any more than it is about a wife earning her husband’s love by being more respectful. Always love or respect is given unconditionally according to God’s commands.

You have two ears and one mouth; use them proportionately.

Your marriage is really a tool and a test to deepen and demonstrate your love and reverence for your Lord.

Wives, you never know: The way you handle this [conflict] might bring your husband not only back to you, but to God. Husbands, you never know: The way you handle this [conflict] might bring your wife not only back to you, but to God. (1 Corinthians 7:16)

You have to become proactive, rather than just trying to stop the reactive.

How we react to a situation reveals more about us than about the other person.

No one can really practice Love and Respect unless he or she does it as unto Jesus Christ.

Always see your mate as an ally. Feedback is of little use if you see your spouse as an enemy. Giving and receiving constructive feedback is based on feelings of goodwill in both partners. Both of you need to remember that, even if you don’t always agree and even if you become irritated or angry, you are friends, and neither of you means to hurt the other.

“Living happily ever after” means knowing how to deal with the imperfect parts of life.

Here is the secret to marriage that every couple seeks and yet few find: Unconditional respect is as powerful for him as unconditional love is for her. It’s the secret that will help you achieve a brand new level of intimacy.

When we feel crippling discouragement by the sinful choices and outcomes of our kids, we must not let this permanently deter us from parenting God’s way.

When your wife comes to talk to you, listen to her. Realize she is coming to you because you matter more to her than anyone else. She has certain emotional needs and only you can meet them. Sometimes she may say things that don’t make sense to you and she is apt to misspeak and exaggerate when she is upset, but don’t put her down. Instead, listen to her heart. Give her a chance to express her concerns and, as she does so, don’t try to fix her. Don’t give her your solutions unless she asks for them.

We have different vulnerabilities. We can pass judgment on one another all day long or we can say God made us different and that’s ok.

Unconditional love or respect is never wasted. Hang onto this promise: “Let us not lose heart in doing good, for in due time we will reap if we do not grow weary” (Galatians 6:9).

So I encourage every husband and wife to commit to the Jesus Way of Talking. Instead of allowing the stress of the situation to control you, you can say to yourself, “Because I love the Lord and I know that He rewards every good word, I am going to be truthful even if my spouse is not. I will also be uplifting, forgiving, thankful and scriptural in my speech because my ultimate goal is to please the Lord. Whatever my spouse’s weaknesses or bad habits might be, I will not let them cause me to sin with my lips.”

[Women], your self-love cannot be derived from your husband’s love. It can affect it, but it does not determine it.

Be friendly. Be friendly. Be friendly. Watch what happens.

God is not trying to trick you or mess with you. Trust that He wants to reveal Himself to you just as much as He wants to reveal Himself to the world.

It is so easy to draw wrong conclusions about a spouse’s character and motives due to an occasional flare-up or silly comment.

When you’re truly Christ-centered, instead of child-centered, you will be a more effective parent in the long run.

She’s not wrong for not being male. He is not wrong for not being female. When you put pink and blue together, you get purple, the color of royalty; the color of God. Together, a husband and wife reflect God’s image.

The key to motivating another person is meeting their deepest need, especially during conflict.

Often the apparent issue isn’t the real issue; the real issue is always a matter of love or respect.

Whose voice are you listening to: Hollywood or God’s Holy Word?

A most significant point of this book is this: If what we think is true, kind, necessary, and clear, we need to have the courage to hit send. This isn’t about refraining from speaking; this is about speaking.

You must “ask God from the wealth of his glory to give you power through his Spirit to be strong in your inner selves.”

I have concluded that those of us in the church who believe we have the Truth are not using the whole truth. A crucial part of God’s Word has been completely ignored, or perhaps simply gone unnoticed, when it has been there right under our noses the whole time! Many Christian spouses know Ephesians 5:33 and can at least paraphrase it. The Apostle Paul tells husbands to love their wives as much as they love themselves, and wives are to respect their husbands. But is anyone really listening? Perhaps the first step to better communication between husband and wife is to hear what God’s Word clearly says. --Emerson

We all need to wrestle with the spiritual truth that God is good. If you don’t believe God is good, you won’t trust His word. If you don’t trust His word, you will find excuses to ignore His commands.

The parent-child relationship is as easy, and as difficult, as love and respect.

When evil comes at you, you’re the one who makes the choice of whether or not it is going to go into you.

Your wife will feel esteemed when you speak highly of her in front of others.

Always remember that Pink and Blue have different wiring, different preferences. Assume your spouse has goodwill toward you, no matter what. Both of you can be right, while being different.

Marriage is a tool and a test to allow God’s will to be revealed in our lives.

His love motivates her respect. Her respect motivates his love.

Thank the Lord for the goodwill each of you has toward the other. Ask Him for strength to give each other the benefit of the doubt during moments when someone’s goodwill seems to be lacking. “He who seeks good finds goodwill, but evil comes to him who searches for it.” (Proverbs 11:27)

Don’t conclude that your spouse is wrong when he/she is seeking to do the right and righteous thing.

Clearly, in the marriage, in the family and in the household, when you speak words of blessing, you are speaking to the Lord, and for this you will be rewarded.

We can all have moments of anger, but this does not mean we have to lose control and sin.

It’s so easy to dismiss our spouse as childish because we don’t have the same vulnerabilities they do.

Knowing my spouse will not be able to love or respect me perfectly, I commit to having a forgiving spirit so that I may never speak hatefully or contemptuously.

She’ll feel at peace with you when you let her vent your frustrations and hurts and don’t get angry and close her off.

It’s true that women have intuition and that men should listen to them. It’s also true that women have blind spots and need the insight of their husbands.

When a husband chooses to come across lovingly even though he feels disrespected, he can prevent the Crazy Cycle from spinning and possibly getting out of control.

God is good and wants what is best for us.

Let the Lord change you, but don’t try to change each other.

The difference between successful couples and unsuccessful couples is that successful ones keep getting up and dealing with the issues.

We have to step back as Christ followers and ask, “Do I have false expectations that my relationship should be romantic 99% of the time?”

To build a lasting legacy, use proven wisdom that you glean from the Lord.

A strong woman of dignity puts on respect out of her love and reverence for Jesus Christ. She trusts that His word not only protects and empowers her, but also rewards her with incomprehensible eternal blessings.

He will feel appreciated when you recognize his problem-solving approach as his male brand of empathy.

Unconditional respect means we confront their wrongdoings respectfully. We do not become uncivil because they are. Who they fail to be does not determine who we will be.

Words of Love or Respect must uplift your spouse, edifying- never manipulating him or her.

We easily see what is done to us before we see what we are doing to our mate.

A man has a natural, inborn desire to go out and “conquer” the challenges of his world – to work and achieve.

A husband may deserve contempt, but that doesn’t win him any more than harshness and anger wins the heart of a woman.

[Husbands] do you realize the power of just holding your wife’s hand?

When you play the blame game your marriage never wins.

The Crazy Cycle is, indeed “the evil of folly and the foolishness of madness” (Ecclesiastes 7:25)

Don’t label each other as bad because you differ on how you solve your troubles.

Could you be facing a crisis in faith more than a crisis in your marriage?

If you want your wife to express appreciation for your attempts to be loving, you must use thankful words when she tries to speak or act respectfully.

Responding to offensive words or actions with your own offensive words and actions is damaging and unproductive.

This is the Rewarded Cycle: His love blesses regardless of her respect and her respect blesses regardless of his love.

We get on the Crazy Cycle because without love a wife reacts without respect, and without respect a husband reacts without love.

Husbands, to energize your wife give her face-to-face time, allowing her to talk and share her feelings.

Assuming goodwill can be revolutionary in relationships.

When one of you makes a mistake, control any anger you may feel and trust God completely, no matter what happens.

Focus on the positive in the midst of the negative, and the Energizing Cycle will keep right on humming.

You’re the only person in the world who can meet your spouse’s deepest need for love and respect. After all, you alone are married to your spouse.

With a better understanding of God’s promises, you will be on your way to a renewed mind and a changed life.

Do you seek to understand or only to be understood?

As you pray together, you will truly learn to love and respect together.

One thing to remember in this culture is if we say something complimentary towards one gender, we aren’t saying something against the other.

Before hitting send, ask yourself, "Have I listened carefully and understand the exact issue on the table?"

At the very bottom of things, in every case and in every conversation, you can do your marriage a huge favor by assuming she is seeking to feel loved or he is seeking to feel respected and give your spouse some grace!