Building Blocks DVD Study - Small Group Kit

When Jesus said “turn the other cheek,” He wasn’t saying to be passive wimps. He was teaching that physically people can control you but if you turn and give the other cheek, suddenly you’re in control and you’re making the choices.

[Women], your self-love cannot be derived from your husband’s love. It can affect it, but it does not determine it.

The heart of my communication means the other person cannot get my heart to be unkind, unloving, or disrespectful. Instead, I have made a decision about who I will be independent of the other person. I won’t blame my unkindness on someone else.

If we subscribe to the belief that because we are equal we are the same, then we’re going to expect our spouse to respond the way we do.

Stay the course regardless of the child’s respect and obedience. This is the Family Rewarded Cycle: a parents love unto Christ regardless of the child.

Your marriage is really a tool and a test to deepen and demonstrate your love and reverence for your Lord.

As a husband, if you can grasp that you don’t always have to solve your wife’s problems, you will take a giant step toward showing her empathy and understanding.

He will feel appreciated when you recognize his problem-solving approach as his male brand of empathy.

Refuse to let evil turn you into a contemptuous and hateful person.

You cannot use unholy means to achieve a worthy end.

God’s commands are there to help us, not to hinder us or hold us back as male and female.

The Love and Respect message is not about a husband earning his wife’s respect by being more loving any more than it is about a wife earning her husband’s love by being more respectful. Always love or respect is given unconditionally according to God’s commands.

I often stress that one of the greatest rewards any persevering spouse can have is being a good example and influence on the children in the family.

Trust God when the “why’s” of life threaten to overwhelm you.

When you play the blame game your marriage never wins.

No matter what your struggle- criticism, constant conflict, sex, money, parenting, harsh words- learning to communicate the Love and Respect way can help you make crucial changes and build the kind of relationship that God blesses.

Holding back your love or respect will just keep the Crazy Cycle spinning away, but being mature and making the first move could slow it down.

I had often asked God to compensate for my mistakes, but in return had I thought He would give me perfect children?

The moment we cry to Him for help, He is already pleased. He gives us strength to love our children.

We might say that every negative action in the family has an equal and opposite negative reaction.

Your husband knows you appreciate his desire to protect and provide when you praise his commitment to provide for you. You empathize when he reveals his male mindset about position, status, or rank at work.

Clarifying is what you do before you step on your mate’s air hose and deflate his or her spirit. For example, you are having a typical conversation, but you can tell there is a misunderstanding. One of you isn’t being clear or isn’t hearing correctly. Then and there you clarify the misunderstanding before your spouse’s spirit deflates. You lovingly or respectfully clarify matters so that your spouse will not feel unloved or disrespected. The reason you take pains to clarify a seemingly small matter is to prevent the situation from becoming a love and respect issue that needs decoding. Clarifying is what you do to stay off the Crazy Cycle and keep positive, energetic feelings flowing between the two of you, to keep yourselves on the Energizing Cycle.

Never give up. If you want to have a strong marriage, you need to accept temporary setbacks as part of the game.

Knowing my spouse will not be able to love or respect me perfectly, I commit to having a forgiving spirit so that I may never speak hatefully or contemptuously.

Thank the Lord that in the very beginning He created them male and female – Blue and Pink. Ask Him for patience and ever-growing understanding of how men and women see and hear differently. “He created them male and female, and He blessed them.” (Genesis 5:2)

Since it is easy to focus on the negative, focus on your mate’s good qualities and express thanks with positive words of Love or Respect.

We easily see what is done to us before we see what we are doing to our mate.

If you are seeking positive change in your marriage, you will need to make a positive change in your attitude and actions.

[Husbands] do you realize the power of just holding your wife’s hand?

We are equal but we are not the same.

If a husband is commanded to agape- love his wife, then she truly needs love.

Unconditional respect is as powerful to him as unconditional love is to her.

Fight like a loving man and a respectful woman. Fight fair.

You can be right in the argument, but wrong in your approach.

Good intentions do not always produce good words or outcomes.

Troubles over sex and money do not cause a marriage to go under. The lack of love and respect during conflict cause the marriage to go under.

We are either going to give in the darkness or we are going to give into the darkness.

Words of Love and Respect must include thankfulness spoken to or about your spouse; don’t fixate on weaknesses and faults.

Often both spouses have goodwill but are not deciphering each other’s code. She criticizes out of love, but he “hears” only disrespect. He distances himself to prevent feelings from escalating, which is the honorable thing to do, but she “sees” only his failure to be loving!

Your spouse has a need that you don’t have. Are you going to say there is something seriously wrong with them or will you say “Viva la Difference”?

Do you understand that God feels compassion for you, no matter what you have done or what your circumstances may be?

To get offended is easy, but to forgive is within your power as you walk in His steps.

If a husband loves his wife as he should, she will feel honored and respected. If a wife respects her husband as she should, he will feel loved and appreciated. It’s a win-win.

Every marriage includes trouble some of the time. Do not let the 20% leaven all the rest.

Women give a report to build rapport. Men bond through shoulder-to-shoulder activities without talking.

Always remember that Pink and Blue have different wiring, different preferences. Assume your spouse has goodwill toward you, no matter what. Both of you can be right, while being different.

When evil comes at you, you’re the one who makes the choice of whether or not it is going to go into you.

We send each other messages in “code” based on gender, even though we don’t intend to. What I say is not what you hear, and what you think you heard is not what I meant at all.

God designed the woman to love. He’s not going to command her to agape her husband when He created her to do that in the first place. God is not into redundancy.

You have to become proactive, rather than just trying to stop the reactive.

Each of you must focus on what God is calling you to do toward your spouse. Do not focus on what you think God is calling your spouse to do toward you.

Do you give yourself grace and your spouse judgment?

You must distinguish between “I can’t” and “I won’t.”

There is a plan to parent God’s way, even when our children may seek to go their own way at time. The secret is to follow this plan regardless. When you do, I believe you succeed in His eyes.

His love blesses regardless of her respect; her respect blesses regardless of his love.

Men are solution oriented, they love to solve problems. They want to be helpful.

It is so easy to draw wrong conclusions about a spouse’s character and motives due to an occasional flare-up or silly comment.

God is not trying to trick you or mess with you. Trust that He wants to reveal Himself to you just as much as He wants to reveal Himself to the world.

When you love or respect unconditionally regardless of the outcome, you are following God and His will for you.

When sorting out how to slow down the Crazy Cycle, it helps to remember that men are commanded to love because they don’t love naturally, and on the other side, women are commanded to respect because they don’t respect naturally.

God rewards your obedience to love and respect, even if your spouse does not respond!

Life is too short to fuss and fret over trivial irritations.

If you want your husband to express appreciation for your attempts to be respectful, you must speak thankfully when he tries to be loving.

Unconditional respect, like unconditional love, is all about how one sounds (tone of voice and word choice) and appears (facial expressions and physical actions).

A major step toward a happy marriage is accepting differences and working them out with love and respect.

When you relinquish an offense, you need to send that offense somewhere. So follow Jesus’ example and release it to your heavenly Father.

Could you be facing a crisis in faith more than a crisis in your marriage?

His love motivates her respect. Her respect motivates his love.

He will feel appreciated when you disagree with him only in private and honor his authority in front of the kids.

When you look to God and His Word as your ultimate source of significance and security, you don’t demand that your spouse take that role in your life. And as you draw strength from the Lord individually, He draws you closer together as a couple.

The woman absolutely needs love, and the man absolutely needs respect. It’s as simple- and as difficult- as that.

At the very bottom of things, in every case and in every conversation, you can do your marriage a huge favor by assuming she is seeking to feel loved or he is seeking to feel respected and give your spouse some grace!

Truth will carry its own weight if delivered respectfully and lovingly.

Unconditional respect means we confront their wrongdoings respectfully. We do not become uncivil because they are. Who they fail to be does not determine who we will be.

I have concluded that those of us in the church who believe we have the Truth are not using the whole truth. A crucial part of God’s Word has been completely ignored, or perhaps simply gone unnoticed, when it has been there right under our noses the whole time! Many Christian spouses know Ephesians 5:33 and can at least paraphrase it. The Apostle Paul tells husbands to love their wives as much as they love themselves, and wives are to respect their husbands. But is anyone really listening? Perhaps the first step to better communication between husband and wife is to hear what God’s Word clearly says. --Emerson

It’s crucial to communicate with the right tone of voice and the right expression on your face.

It’s hard to realize that we would never act around our business associates the way we act around our spouse.

You speak lovingly or respectfully no matter how your spouse may speak to you in return. Your spouse is not the reason--good or bad--why you speak unconditional words of love or respect. God is the reason, and as you depend on Him, you will become increasingly able to speak lovingly and respectfully to your spouse.

Being friendly to her man is one of the most effective things a woman can do to strengthen her marriage.

It’s so easy to dismiss our spouse as childish because we don’t have the same vulnerabilities they do.

Pink and Blue perceptions not only affect seeing, they affect hearing as well. Women hear with pink hearing aids and men hear with blue hearing aids. Even more important to understand as you and your spouse seek to gain better communication, you can hear the very same words, but each of you will hear different messages.

When a wife insists that her husband earn her respect, she puts him in a lose-lose situation.

No matter how difficult your spouse may be at the moment, your spouse does not have control over your reaction; you do. You may be experiencing disappointment, frustration or anger, but you always have a choice. A wife can choose to be disrespectful or respectful. A husband can choose to be unloving or loving.

Just because you may feel unloved or disrespected does not mean your spouse is sending that message.

You can experience hurt, but it is your choice to hate.

A woman needs love like she needs air to breathe. A man needs respect like he needs air to breathe.

Thank God for joining you together and for allowing you to trust Him to help you, whatever the issue. God is there for you and expects you to look to Him to keep you together as a team, so ask Him for His help in the smallest of concerns. “So they are no longer two, but one flesh. What therefore God has joined together, let no man separate.” (Matthew 19:6)

A marriage relationship will be energized when couples learn how to motivate each other God’s way.

Just because you’re offended doesn’t mean the other person is offensive.

The Lord made women (Pink) and men (Blue) with differences, and He expects us to recognize and deal with those differences in a loving and respectful way.

Wives, to energize your husband do an activity with him, shoulder-to-shoulder, without talking.

A husband may deserve contempt, but that doesn’t win him any more than harshness and anger wins the heart of a woman.

Words of wisdom for all husbands and wives are these: We easily see what is done to us before we see what we are doing to our mate.

Marriage is a tool and a test to deepen and demonstrate your love and your reverence for Jesus Christ.

When confronting your spouse, attack the behavior, not the person.

You must “ask God from the wealth of his glory to give you power through his Spirit to be strong in your inner selves.”

Being a person who communicates what is true frequently demands tact, and at times it can feel like sidestepping land mines. It takes work to be both truthful and tactful.

Getting married reveals, usually sooner than later, an incontestable fact: your spouse cannot possibly meet all your needs and desires

Recognize your different gifts--how each of you (Pink and Blue) functions according to God’s perfect design.

Let the Lord change you, but don’t try to change each other.