14 Week Small Group Guide (Download)

We are either going to give in the darkness or we are going to give into the darkness.

Clarifying is what you do before you step on your mate’s air hose and deflate his or her spirit. For example, you are having a typical conversation, but you can tell there is a misunderstanding. One of you isn’t being clear or isn’t hearing correctly. Then and there you clarify the misunderstanding before your spouse’s spirit deflates. You lovingly or respectfully clarify matters so that your spouse will not feel unloved or disrespected. The reason you take pains to clarify a seemingly small matter is to prevent the situation from becoming a love and respect issue that needs decoding. Clarifying is what you do to stay off the Crazy Cycle and keep positive, energetic feelings flowing between the two of you, to keep yourselves on the Energizing Cycle.

We get on the Crazy Cycle because without love a wife reacts without respect, and without respect a husband reacts without love.

Each of you must focus on what God is calling you to do toward your spouse. Do not focus on what you think God is calling your spouse to do toward you.

When a husband feels disrespected, he has a natural tendency to react in ways that feel unloving to his wife. (Perhaps the command to love was given to him precisely for this reason!) When a wife feels unloved, she has a natural tendency to react in ways that feel disrespectful to her husband. (Perhaps the command to respect was given to her precisely for this reason!)

Every marriage includes trouble some of the time. Do not let the 20% leaven all the rest.

Will we decide how we see God based on our circumstances, or will we see our circumstances in light of how we view God?

Thank the Lord for the goodwill each of you has toward the other. Ask Him for strength to give each other the benefit of the doubt during moments when someone’s goodwill seems to be lacking. “He who seeks good finds goodwill, but evil comes to him who searches for it.” (Proverbs 11:27)

I had often asked God to compensate for my mistakes, but in return had I thought He would give me perfect children?

Your spouse has a need that you don’t have. Are you going to say there is something seriously wrong with them or will you say “Viva la Difference”?

Be a part of the solution, not part of the problem.

There is power and freedom that comes in understanding that no one can cause you to react in a certain way. It is your choice.

Knowing my spouse will not be able to love or respect me perfectly, I commit to having a forgiving spirit so that I may never speak hatefully or contemptuously.

A wife has one driving need--to feel loved. When that need is met she is happy. A husband has one driving need--to feel respected. When that need is met he is happy. When either of these needs isn’t met, things get crazy. Love and Respect reveals why spouses react negatively to each other, and how they can deal with such conflict quickly, easily and biblically.

Troubles over sex and money do not cause a marriage to go under. The lack of love and respect during conflict cause the marriage to go under.

The parent-child relationship is as easy, and as difficult, as love and respect.

It is hard to be negative while being thankful.

Since it is easy to focus on the negative, focus on your mate’s good qualities and express thanks with positive words of Love or Respect.

Mutual understanding, not communication, is the key to a healthy marriage relationship.

Accidental sparks (unwise remarks) ignite and fuel a fire, and vroom goes the Crazy Cycle.

When a wife feels unloved, it can be such a shock to her heart that she is oblivious to her disrespectful reactions toward her husband, though any man watching could see it plainly.

Marriage is a test of how you unconditionally love and respect your spouse as you obey, honor, and please the Lord.

How we react to a situation reveals more about us than about the other person.

A man has a natural, inborn desire to go out and “conquer” the challenges of his world – to work and achieve.

Fight like a loving man and a respectful woman. Fight fair.

Thank the Lord for all the trouble-free moments in which you and your spouse enjoy Him, each other, your family, your ministry and life as a whole. Ask Him for the strength to accept your measure of trouble, and the wisdom to deal with the annoyances and irritations by loving and respecting each other with new commitment. (You may also want to pray about troubles at work, at church, with the children…) “But those who marry will have trouble in this life” (1 Corinthians 7:28)

Optimism or pessimism? It is always a choice, no matter what your natural temperament.

Thank God for His forgiveness of your mistakes. In trying to be a loving man or a respectful woman, we blow it. Owning up to mistakes is never easy, but it is always the way to move forward. Take good care not to accuse your spouse of mistakes as you pray. Also, pray about any forgiving to be done in the family, any forgiveness that needs to be asked. Children may need forgiveness (and what about Mom and Dad?). “There is no one on earth who does what is right all the time and never makes a mistake.” (Ecclesiastes 7:20)

Focus on the positive in the midst of the negative, and the Energizing Cycle will keep right on humming.

Do you understand that God feels compassion for you, no matter what you have done or what your circumstances may be?

You must distinguish between “I can’t” and “I won’t.”

When we speak before we think, we widen the chances the other person(s) will be notably hurt, frustrated, confused, angry, fearful, or offended by something we’ve communicated.

Always see your mate as an ally. Feedback is of little use if you see your spouse as an enemy. Giving and receiving constructive feedback is based on feelings of goodwill in both partners. Both of you need to remember that, even if you don’t always agree and even if you become irritated or angry, you are friends, and neither of you means to hurt the other.

Pink and Blue perceptions not only affect seeing, they affect hearing as well. Women hear with pink hearing aids and men hear with blue hearing aids. Even more important to understand as you and your spouse seek to gain better communication, you can hear the very same words, but each of you will hear different messages.

God is not trying to trick you or mess with you. Trust that He wants to reveal Himself to you just as much as He wants to reveal Himself to the world.

Your spouse has a need only you can fill.

Responding to offensive words or actions with your own offensive words and actions is damaging and unproductive.

Truth will carry its own weight if delivered respectfully and lovingly.

A woman needs love like she needs air to breathe. A man needs respect like he needs air to breathe.

It’s hard to realize that we would never act around our business associates the way we act around our spouse.

A wife has one driving need: to feel loved. When that need is met, she is happy. A husband has one driving need: to feel respected. When that need is met, he is happy. When either of these needs isn’t met, things get crazy with conflict.

Good intentions do not always produce good words or outcomes.

When you look to God and His Word as your ultimate source of significance and security, you don’t demand that your spouse take that role in your life. And as you draw strength from the Lord individually, He draws you closer together as a couple.

Words of love from a husband are like good medicine that brings life to the marriage.

Your marriage is really a tool and a test to deepen and demonstrate your love and reverence for your Lord.

Negative actions rarely produce positive results.

His love blesses regardless of her respect; her respect blesses regardless of his love.

Husbands primarily want to hear ‘respect” talk during conflict. Wives primarily want to hear “love” talk during conflict.

As strong and powerful as marriage bonds can become, our deepest dependency must be on the Lord, not another human being.

She’s not wrong for not being male. He is not wrong for not being female. When you put pink and blue together, you get purple, the color of royalty; the color of God. Together, a husband and wife reflect God’s image.

Refuse to let evil turn you into a contemptuous and hateful person.

I have concluded that those of us in the church who believe we have the Truth are not using the whole truth. A crucial part of God’s Word has been completely ignored, or perhaps simply gone unnoticed, when it has been there right under our noses the whole time! Many Christian spouses know Ephesians 5:33 and can at least paraphrase it. The Apostle Paul tells husbands to love their wives as much as they love themselves, and wives are to respect their husbands. But is anyone really listening? Perhaps the first step to better communication between husband and wife is to hear what God’s Word clearly says. --Emerson

When sorting out how to slow down the Crazy Cycle, it helps to remember that men are commanded to love because they don’t love naturally, and on the other side, women are commanded to respect because they don’t respect naturally.

Don’t conclude that your spouse is wrong when he/she is seeking to do the right and righteous thing.

Your words reveal your heart.

Mistakes can’t be undone, but they can be forgiven.

God is not pink. God is not blue. God is purple. When two become one, they have the potential of displaying God’s attributes and character.

Clearly, in the marriage, in the family and in the household, when you speak words of blessing, you are speaking to the Lord, and for this you will be rewarded.

Assuming goodwill can be revolutionary in relationships.

If we subscribe to the belief that because we are equal we are the same, then we’re going to expect our spouse to respond the way we do.

Your spouse can have a need that you don’t have and that’s okay.

Do not live by the standards of Hollywood; trust what God says in His Holy Word.

The difference between successful couples and unsuccessful couples is that successful ones keep getting up and dealing with the issues.

Could you be facing a crisis in faith more than a crisis in your marriage?

As mature men, we need to take leadership and put this out on the table. We must acknowledge our feelings- we need to feel respected. However, as we do this we must acknowledge our wife’s feelings- she needs to feel loved!

Be quick to listen and understand and you have a much better chance of being understood.

When you play the blame game your marriage never wins.

The heart of my communication means the other person cannot get my heart to be unkind, unloving, or disrespectful. Instead, I have made a decision about who I will be independent of the other person. I won’t blame my unkindness on someone else.

The key to motivating another person is meeting their deepest need, especially during conflict.

Can you begin to trust that God feels love for you even when you don’t feel that love?

It’s true that women have intuition and that men should listen to them. It’s also true that women have blind spots and need the insight of their husbands.

A strong woman of dignity puts on respect out of her love and reverence for Jesus Christ. She trusts that His word not only protects and empowers her, but also rewards her with incomprehensible eternal blessings.

When the wife flatly says her husband will have to earn her respect before she gives him any, she leaves the husband in a lose-lose situation. Now he is responsible for both love and respect in the relationship. He must unconditionally love his wife and earn her respect.

Marriage is a tool and a test to allow God’s will to be revealed in our lives.

As a husband, if you can grasp that you don’t always have to solve your wife’s problems, you will take a giant step toward showing her empathy and understanding.

When you come home after you have been apart, the first few moments of reconnecting will set the tone for the rest of the evening.

Whose voice are you listening to: Hollywood or God’s Holy Word?

We must bring our identity in Christ to our parenting—we must not derive our identity from our children.

When you possess a forgiving spirit, words of Love and Respect will flow authentically from your lips- and realize that the Lord Himself is listening to you at moments like these. He knows you are not powerless, but actually full of power that He has granted you.

Life is too short to fuss and fret over trivial irritations.

To not forgive is to shoot yourself in the foot and put extra gas in the Crazy Cycle.

As you pray together, you will truly learn to love and respect together.

God rewards your obedience to love and respect, even if your spouse does not respond!

Self-interest should never come ahead of your spouse’s interests.

Your wife feels you are open with her when you discuss financial concerns, possible job changes or ideas for your future.

Trusting and obeying God’s Word because we love and reverence God never, ever makes us a hypocrite! When the alarm goes off in the morning, we get up, even when we don’t feel like it getting up. Because we do what we don’t feel like doing, does that make us hypocrites? No, it’s a sign we are responsible people. Showing respectful behavior when we don’t “feel respectful” is evidence of maturity.

Research and experience prove that men and women see and hear differently. Recognizing these differences and adjusting to them is absolutely necessary for reaching mutual understanding and better communication.

The Crazy Cycle is, indeed, “the evil of folly and the foolishness of madness” (Ecclesiastes 7:25).

When you love or respect unconditionally regardless of the outcome, you are following God and His will for you.

Here is the secret to marriage that every couple seeks and yet few find: Unconditional respect is as powerful for him as unconditional love is for her. It’s the secret that will help you achieve a brand new level of intimacy.

Stay the course regardless of the child’s respect and obedience. This is the Family Rewarded Cycle: a parents love unto Christ regardless of the child.

You can experience hurt, but it is your choice to hate.

Do you give yourself grace and your spouse judgment?

Share what God is saying to your heart, not what you think He needs to say to your mate.

You cannot use unholy means to achieve a worthy end.

Words of wisdom for all husbands and wives are these: We easily see what is done to us before we see what we are doing to our mate.

When there is confusion, I try to refrain from attacking another for not listening carefully (which may not be the case). Instead, I take a run at communicating again, but more clearly.

Just because you’re offended doesn’t mean the other person is offensive.

The Crazy Cycle is, indeed “the evil of folly and the foolishness of madness” (Ecclesiastes 7:25)

Often the apparent issue isn’t the real issue; the real issue is always a matter of love or respect.