14 Week Small Group Guide (Download)

Feeling unloved, a wife gets defensive and acts offensively without respect. Feeling disrespected, a husband gets defensive and acts offensively without love.

When a husband chooses to do or say something loving, and that includes saying, ‘I’m sorry for coming across in an unloving way,’ he energizes his wife. When a wife decides to express herself respectfully, and that includes apologizing for her disrespectful attitude, she energizes her husband.

A strong woman of dignity puts on respect out of her love and reverence for Jesus Christ. She trusts that His word not only protects and empowers her, but also rewards her with incomprehensible eternal blessings.

When we speak before we think, we widen the chances the other person(s) will be notably hurt, frustrated, confused, angry, fearful, or offended by something we’ve communicated.

When you come home after you have been apart, the first few moments of reconnecting will set the tone for the rest of the evening.

We are equal but we are not the same.

The difference between successful couples and unsuccessful couples is that successful ones keep getting up and dealing with the issues.

Your hunger for God can create an appetite in your children.

So I encourage every husband and wife to commit to the Jesus Way of Talking. Instead of allowing the stress of the situation to control you, you can say to yourself, “Because I love the Lord and I know that He rewards every good word, I am going to be truthful even if my spouse is not. I will also be uplifting, forgiving, thankful and scriptural in my speech because my ultimate goal is to please the Lord. Whatever my spouse’s weaknesses or bad habits might be, I will not let them cause me to sin with my lips.”

A marriage relationship will be energized when couples learn how to motivate each other God’s way.

We might say that every negative action in the family has an equal and opposite negative reaction.

Since it is easy to focus on the negative, focus on your mate’s good qualities and express thanks with positive words of Love or Respect.

It is so easy to draw wrong conclusions about a spouse’s character and motives due to an occasional flare-up or silly comment.

When a husband feels disrespected, he has a natural tendency to react in ways that feel unloving to his wife. (Perhaps the command to love was given to him precisely for this reason!) When a wife feels unloved, she has a natural tendency to react in ways that feel disrespectful to her husband. (Perhaps the command to respect was given to her precisely for this reason!)

Clearly, in the marriage, in the family and in the household, when you speak words of blessing, you are speaking to the Lord, and for this you will be rewarded.

Women give a report to build rapport. Men bond through shoulder-to-shoulder activities without talking.

Do you bow to the influence of Hollywood or God’s Holy Word?

Through Jesus and Peter, God set forth His standard for living in the unconditional dimension: choose to be loving even when the other person is not; do what is right regardless of the treatment you receive. I believe this standard applies directly to marriage. A husband who speaks lovingly to his disrespectful wife will be rewarded; and a wife who speaks respectfully to her unloving, not-worthy-of-respect husband will be rewarded. Whether you are husband or wife, the reward is what can keep you going in the midst of the craziness: knowing that God commends you, knowing that you have found his favor for your words and actions.

This is the Rewarded Cycle: His love blesses regardless of her respect and her respect blesses regardless of his love.

Unconditional respect is as powerful to him as unconditional love is to her.

Just because you may feel unloved or disrespected does not mean your spouse is sending that message.

Often the apparent issue isn’t the real issue; the real issue is always a matter of love or respect.

Marriage is a tool and a test to allow God’s will to be revealed in our lives.

Always try to look at your spouse the way Jesus does.

Fight like a loving man and a respectful woman. Fight fair.

In the ultimate sense, your marriage has nothing to do with your spouse. It has everything to do with your relationship to Jesus Christ.

To build a lasting legacy, use proven wisdom that you glean from the Lord.

Truth will carry its own weight if delivered respectfully and lovingly.

Mutual submission is the only way to live fairly together with mutual authority.

Your marriage is a test of your devotion to Christ.

Marital researchers agree that a huge percentage of communication problems between husband and wife are due not to what is said but to how it is said – the attitude and tone of voice.

Our trustworthiness rests on our truthfulness.

Suppressing negative feelings is not loving, respectful or very wise. Speak up tactfully.

Your spouse may meet many of your needs, but your deepest dependency should be on your Lord.

Do you understand that God feels compassion for you, no matter what you have done or what your circumstances may be?

She’ll feel at peace with you when you let her vent your frustrations and hurts and don’t get angry and close her off.

Although the Crazy Cycle is not what God intends for any marriage, all couples get on it at times from one degree to another.

Unconditional respect, like unconditional love, is all about how one sounds (tone of voice and word choice) and appears (facial expressions and physical actions).

Your husband knows you appreciate his desire to protect and provide when you praise his commitment to provide for you. You empathize when he reveals his male mindset about position, status, or rank at work.

As a wife, if you can start to understand how important your husband’s work is to him, you will take a giant step toward communicating respect and honor, two things that he values even more than your love.

You must distinguish between “I can’t” and “I won’t.”

Every marriage includes trouble some of the time. Do not let the 20% leaven all the rest.

Both Judas and Peter denied Jesus Christ, but there is a huge difference between a Judas and a Peter.

When Jesus said “turn the other cheek,” He wasn’t saying to be passive wimps. He was teaching that physically people can control you but if you turn and give the other cheek, suddenly you’re in control and you’re making the choices.

To stay the course in speaking words of Love and Respect, keep your heart in Scripture, trusting in and talking about His promises to help you.

Your spouse can affect you, but your spouse does not control you.

Do you give yourself grace and your spouse judgment?

Each of you must focus on what God is calling you to do toward your spouse. Do not focus on what you think God is calling your spouse to do toward you.

Parenting is a faith venture. As we parent “unto Christ” we reap God’s reward, “knowing that whatever good anyone does, he will receive the same from the Lord” (Eph. 6:8 NKJV)

It’s true that women have intuition and that men should listen to them. It’s also true that women have blind spots and need the insight of their husbands.

God’s commands are not burdensome, but are given to us to spare us from more pain. Why would God command you to do something that doesn’t work?

It’s hard to realize that we would never act around our business associates the way we act around our spouse.

You can experience hurt, but it is your choice to hate.

To not forgive is to shoot yourself in the foot and put extra gas in the Crazy Cycle.

God is not trying to trick you or mess with you. Trust that He wants to reveal Himself to you just as much as He wants to reveal Himself to the world.

When a husband chooses to come across lovingly even though he feels disrespected, he can prevent the Crazy Cycle from spinning and possibly getting out of control.

Negative actions rarely produce positive results.

His love blesses regardless of her respect; her respect blesses regardless of his love.

Your marriage is really a tool and a test to deepen and demonstrate your love and reverence for your Lord.

When we feel crippling discouragement by the sinful choices and outcomes of our kids, we must not let this permanently deter us from parenting God’s way.

Holding back your love or respect will just keep the Crazy Cycle spinning away, but being mature and making the first move could slow it down.

It is hard to be negative while being thankful.

We get on the Crazy Cycle because without love a wife reacts without respect, and without respect a husband reacts without love.

It’s so easy to dismiss our spouse as childish because we don’t have the same vulnerabilities they do.

Words of Love or Respect must uplift your spouse, edifying- never manipulating him or her.

Accentuate the positive and eliminate the negative with lots of love and respect in between.

If you want your husband to express appreciation for your attempts to be respectful, you must speak thankfully when he tries to be loving.

We fool ourselves into thinking the other person causes us to be the way we are. They really don’t! But if we lock into that idea, we become helpless, hopeless victims.

The Love and Respect message is not about a husband earning his wife’s respect by being more loving any more than it is about a wife earning her husband’s love by being more respectful. Always love or respect is given unconditionally according to God’s commands.

A man has a natural, inborn desire to go out and “conquer” the challenges of his world – to work and achieve.

[Women], your self-love cannot be derived from your husband’s love. It can affect it, but it does not determine it.

Be quick to listen and understand and you have a much better chance of being understood.

Knowing my spouse will not be able to love or respect me perfectly, I commit to having a forgiving spirit so that I may never speak hatefully or contemptuously.

Research and experience prove that men and women see and hear differently. Recognizing these differences and adjusting to them is absolutely necessary for reaching mutual understanding and better communication.

Love and Respect is a faith venture, not a formula.

Being friendly to her man is one of the most effective things a woman can do to strengthen her marriage.

Words of wisdom for all husbands and wives are these: We easily see what is done to us before we see what we are doing to our mate.

Thank God for His forgiveness of your mistakes. In trying to be a loving man or a respectful woman, we blow it. Owning up to mistakes is never easy, but it is always the way to move forward. Take good care not to accuse your spouse of mistakes as you pray. Also, pray about any forgiving to be done in the family, any forgiveness that needs to be asked. Children may need forgiveness (and what about Mom and Dad?). “There is no one on earth who does what is right all the time and never makes a mistake.” (Ecclesiastes 7:20)

When there is confusion, I try to refrain from attacking another for not listening carefully (which may not be the case). Instead, I take a run at communicating again, but more clearly.

Always remember that Pink and Blue have different wiring, different preferences. Assume your spouse has goodwill toward you, no matter what. Both of you can be right, while being different.

If a husband chooses to be a peacemaker--taking the needs and concerns of his wife totally into account during any kind of argument or conflict--his wife will be motivated in turn to respond to his authority during stalemates.

Recognize your different gifts--how each of you (Pink and Blue) functions according to God’s perfect design.

In the ultimate sense you marriage has nothing to do with your spouse. It has everything to do with your relationship with Jesus Christ.

Before hitting send, ask yourself, "Have I listened carefully and understand the exact issue on the table?"

You have two ears and one mouth; use them proportionately.

Your spouse can have a need that you don’t have and that’s okay.

Can you begin to trust that God feels love for you even when you don’t feel that love?

Could you be facing a crisis in faith more than a crisis in your marriage?

We easily see what is done to us before we see what we are doing to our mate.

If a husband loves his wife as he should, she will feel honored and respected. If a wife respects her husband as she should, he will feel loved and appreciated. It’s a win-win.

A parent needs to feel respected, especially during conflicts...A child need to feel loved, especially during disputes.

The moment we cry to Him for help, He is already pleased. He gives us strength to love our children.

Husbands, even Jesus Himself was asked by a woman, “Do you not care?” (Luke 10:40) When your wife accuses you of not caring, decode her deeper meaning.

Marriage is a tool and a test to deepen and demonstrate your love and your reverence for Jesus Christ.

Share what God is saying to your heart, not what you think He needs to say to your mate.

She’s not wrong for not being male. He is not wrong for not being female. When you put pink and blue together, you get purple, the color of royalty; the color of God. Together, a husband and wife reflect God’s image.

Marriage is a test of how you unconditionally love and respect your spouse as you obey, honor, and please the Lord.

Thank the Lord for all the trouble-free moments in which you and your spouse enjoy Him, each other, your family, your ministry and life as a whole. Ask Him for the strength to accept your measure of trouble, and the wisdom to deal with the annoyances and irritations by loving and respecting each other with new commitment. (You may also want to pray about troubles at work, at church, with the children…) “But those who marry will have trouble in this life” (1 Corinthians 7:28)

A major step toward a happy marriage is accepting differences and working them out with love and respect.

When one of you makes a mistake, control any anger you may feel and trust God completely, no matter what happens.