14 Week Small Group Guide (Download)

Refuse to let evil turn you into a contemptuous and hateful person.

Men are solution oriented, they love to solve problems. They want to be helpful.

Be a part of the solution, not part of the problem.

Marriage is a test of how you unconditionally love and respect your spouse as you obey, honor, and please the Lord.

So I encourage every husband and wife to commit to the Jesus Way of Talking. Instead of allowing the stress of the situation to control you, you can say to yourself, “Because I love the Lord and I know that He rewards every good word, I am going to be truthful even if my spouse is not. I will also be uplifting, forgiving, thankful and scriptural in my speech because my ultimate goal is to please the Lord. Whatever my spouse’s weaknesses or bad habits might be, I will not let them cause me to sin with my lips.”

When parents genuinely trust and follow the Lord and His ways, their faith spills over onto the children.

Share what God is saying to your heart, not what you think He needs to say to your mate.

God is good and wants what is best for us.

A wife has one driving need--to feel loved. When that need is met she is happy. A husband has one driving need--to feel respected. When that need is met he is happy. When either of these needs isn’t met, things get crazy. Love and Respect reveals why spouses react negatively to each other, and how they can deal with such conflict quickly, easily and biblically.

Your marriage is a tool and a test to deepen and demonstrate your love and reverence for Jesus Christ. God is using your spouse to bring you an eternal reward.

The mature one in the marriage seldom moves second.

Thank the Lord for all the trouble-free moments in which you and your spouse enjoy Him, each other, your family, your ministry and life as a whole. Ask Him for the strength to accept your measure of trouble, and the wisdom to deal with the annoyances and irritations by loving and respecting each other with new commitment. (You may also want to pray about troubles at work, at church, with the children…) “But those who marry will have trouble in this life” (1 Corinthians 7:28)

Don’t conclude that your spouse is wrong when he/she is seeking to do the right and righteous thing.

Wives, to energize your husband do an activity with him, shoulder-to-shoulder, without talking.

You have two ears and one mouth; use them proportionately.

It’s crucial to communicate with the right tone of voice and the right expression on your face.

God’s commands are not burdensome, but are given to us to spare us from more pain. Why would God command you to do something that doesn’t work?

Marriage is a tool and a test to deepen and demonstrate your love and your reverence for Jesus Christ.

Negative actions rarely produce positive results.

Whose voice are you listening to: Hollywood or God’s Holy Word?

Your spouse can affect you, but your spouse does not control you.

Don’t pressure yourself with perfection. We are going to fail. A righteous man falls 7 times but gets back up.

It is so easy to draw wrong conclusions about a spouse’s character and motives due to an occasional flare-up or silly comment.

Thank God for joining you together and for allowing you to trust Him to help you, whatever the issue. God is there for you and expects you to look to Him to keep you together as a team, so ask Him for His help in the smallest of concerns. “So they are no longer two, but one flesh. What therefore God has joined together, let no man separate.” (Matthew 19:6)

Christian maturity involves a lot of things, but surely it includes knowing how to process your anger.

The parent-child relationship is as easy, and as difficult, as love and respect.

When confronting your spouse, attack the behavior, not the person.

Do you believe that there is a God who really loves you and wants to help you?

Optimism or pessimism? It is always a choice, no matter what your natural temperament.

If we subscribe to the belief that because we are equal we are the same, then we’re going to expect our spouse to respond the way we do.

His love blesses regardless of her respect; her respect blesses regardless of his love.

Each of you must focus on what God is calling you to do toward your spouse. Do not focus on what you think God is calling your spouse to do toward you.

Trust God when the “why’s” of life threaten to overwhelm you.

Although the Crazy Cycle is not what God intends for any marriage, all couples get on it at times from one degree to another.

It’s hard to realize that we would never act around our business associates the way we act around our spouse.

If a husband chooses to be a peacemaker--taking the needs and concerns of his wife totally into account during any kind of argument or conflict--his wife will be motivated in turn to respond to his authority during stalemates.

Avoid like the plague trying to punish each other as a means of “motivation.” Christ-followers instinctively know that this destroys any opportunity to act out of reverence for Christ. In all marital issues, love and reverence for Christ must be our primary motivation.

Marriage is a tool and a test to allow God’s will to be revealed in our lives.

When you look to God and His Word as your ultimate source of significance and security, you don’t demand that your spouse take that role in your life. And as you draw strength from the Lord individually, He draws you closer together as a couple.

Husbands, even Jesus Himself was asked by a woman, “Do you not care?” (Luke 10:40) When your wife accuses you of not caring, decode her deeper meaning.

Positive changes flood a relationship immediately when both husband and wife cancel the blame game!

Never give up. If you want to have a strong marriage, you need to accept temporary setbacks as part of the game.

Research and experience prove that men and women see and hear differently. Recognizing these differences and adjusting to them is absolutely necessary for reaching mutual understanding and better communication.

In your marriage be the first to “seek peace and pursue it” (1 Peter 3:11)

[Women], as you enter quiet dignity, not preaching at your husband or scolding him as though you were his mother, something happens in his soul as a male.

Do you understand that God feels compassion for you, no matter what you have done or what your circumstances may be?

When a wife feels unloved, it can be such a shock to her heart that she is oblivious to her disrespectful reactions toward her husband, though any man watching could see it plainly.

Words of wisdom for all husbands and wives are these: We easily see what is done to us before we see what we are doing to our mate.

The more we are upset at something, the wiser it is to let twenty-four hours pass before responding.

To get offended is easy, but to forgive is within your power as you walk in His steps.

Above all trust God when the “whys” of life threaten to overwhelm you.

Your spouse may meet many of your needs, but your deepest dependency should be on your Lord.

Don’t label each other as bad because you differ on how you solve your troubles.

In the ultimate sense you marriage has nothing to do with your spouse. It has everything to do with your relationship with Jesus Christ.

Often the apparent issue isn’t the real issue; the real issue is always a matter of love or respect.

When a husband chooses to come across lovingly even though he feels disrespected, he can prevent the Crazy Cycle from spinning and possibly getting out of control.

The Love and Respect message is not about a husband earning his wife’s respect by being more loving any more than it is about a wife earning her husband’s love by being more respectful. Always love or respect is given unconditionally according to God’s commands.

Women give a report to build rapport. Men bond through shoulder-to-shoulder activities without talking.

When the wife flatly says her husband will have to earn her respect before she gives him any, she leaves the husband in a lose-lose situation. Now he is responsible for both love and respect in the relationship. He must unconditionally love his wife and earn her respect.

There is a plan to parent God’s way, even when our children may seek to go their own way at time. The secret is to follow this plan regardless. When you do, I believe you succeed in His eyes.

Holding back your love or respect will just keep the Crazy Cycle spinning away, but being mature and making the first move could slow it down.

Your marriage is really a tool and a test to deepen and demonstrate your love and reverence for your Lord.

It is crucial for a husband and wife to see that neither one is wrong, but both of them are very different--in body function, outlook and perspective.

Often both spouses have goodwill but are not deciphering each other’s code. She criticizes out of love, but he “hears” only disrespect. He distances himself to prevent feelings from escalating, which is the honorable thing to do, but she “sees” only his failure to be loving!

Truth will carry its own weight if delivered respectfully and lovingly.

Always try to look at your spouse the way Jesus does.

Money squabbles don’t undermine love and respect; they simply reveal unloving and disrespectful attitudes, which are the real reason why a marriage can start to wobble on the Crazy Cycle.

You must “ask God from the wealth of his glory to give you power through his Spirit to be strong in your inner selves.”

“You can be right, but wrong at the top of your voice.”

The Crazy Cycle is, indeed, “the evil of folly and the foolishness of madness” (Ecclesiastes 7:25).

A major step toward a happy marriage is accepting differences and working them out with love and respect.

Pink and Blue perceptions not only affect seeing, they affect hearing as well. Women hear with pink hearing aids and men hear with blue hearing aids. Even more important to understand as you and your spouse seek to gain better communication, you can hear the very same words, but each of you will hear different messages.

Husbands, to energize your wife give her face-to-face time, allowing her to talk and share her feelings.

You can be right in the argument, but wrong in your approach.

Words of love from a husband are like good medicine that brings life to the marriage.

Your marriage is a test of your devotion to Christ.

When evil comes at you, you’re the one who makes the choice of whether or not it is going to go into you.

The woman absolutely needs love, and the man absolutely needs respect. It’s as simple- and as difficult- as that.

Most marriages will succeed when obeying the command to Love and Respect.

If a husband is commanded to agape- love his wife, then she truly needs love.

We have to step back as Christ followers and ask, “Do I have false expectations that my relationship should be romantic 99% of the time?”

This is the Rewarded Cycle: His love blesses regardless of her respect and her respect blesses regardless of his love.

Husbands primarily want to hear ‘respect” talk during conflict. Wives primarily want to hear “love” talk during conflict.

Your position in Christ is what counts, not your less-than-perfect performance.

There is a discrepancy between who we want to be and see ourselves to be and how we actually sound in voice and writing. But with self-reflection and honesty, we can turn the corner and improve our communication. We need only evaluate what we are about to communicate.

Unconditional respect, like unconditional love, is all about how one sounds (tone of voice and word choice) and appears (facial expressions and physical actions).

God rewards your obedience to love and respect, even if your spouse does not respond!

A marriage relationship will be energized when couples learn how to motivate each other God’s way.

Suppressing negative feelings is not loving, respectful or very wise. Speak up tactfully.

Recognize your different gifts--how each of you (Pink and Blue) functions according to God’s perfect design.

A husband may deserve contempt, but that doesn’t win him any more than harshness and anger wins the heart of a woman.

If a husband loves his wife as he should, she will feel honored and respected. If a wife respects her husband as she should, he will feel loved and appreciated. It’s a win-win.

Words of Love or Respect must uplift your spouse, edifying- never manipulating him or her.

God designed the woman to love. He’s not going to command her to agape her husband when He created her to do that in the first place. God is not into redundancy.

Always see your mate as an ally. Feedback is of little use if you see your spouse as an enemy. Giving and receiving constructive feedback is based on feelings of goodwill in both partners. Both of you need to remember that, even if you don’t always agree and even if you become irritated or angry, you are friends, and neither of you means to hurt the other.

I had often asked God to compensate for my mistakes, but in return had I thought He would give me perfect children?

You cannot use unholy means to achieve a worthy end.

How we react to a situation reveals more about us than about the other person.

[Husbands] do you realize the power of just holding your wife’s hand?

Wives, you never know: The way you handle this [conflict] might bring your husband not only back to you, but to God. Husbands, you never know: The way you handle this [conflict] might bring your wife not only back to you, but to God. (1 Corinthians 7:16)