14 Week Small Group Guide (Download)

As a wife, if you can start to understand how important your husband’s work is to him, you will take a giant step toward communicating respect and honor, two things that he values even more than your love.

Stay the course regardless of the child’s respect and obedience. This is the Family Rewarded Cycle: a parents love unto Christ regardless of the child.

A strong woman of dignity puts on respect out of her love and reverence for Jesus Christ. She trusts that His word not only protects and empowers her, but also rewards her with incomprehensible eternal blessings.

Life is too short to fuss and fret over trivial irritations.

Research and experience prove that men and women see and hear differently. Recognizing these differences and adjusting to them is absolutely necessary for reaching mutual understanding and better communication.

Self-interest should never come ahead of your spouse’s interests.

[Women], your self-love cannot be derived from your husband’s love. It can affect it, but it does not determine it.

Trust God when the “why’s” of life threaten to overwhelm you.

When you look to God and His Word as your ultimate source of significance and security, you don’t demand that your spouse take that role in your life. And as you draw strength from the Lord individually, He draws you closer together as a couple.

When you’re truly Christ-centered, instead of child-centered, you will be a more effective parent in the long run.

Focus on the positive in the midst of the negative, and the Energizing Cycle will keep right on humming.

A wife has one driving need: to feel loved. When that need is met, she is happy. A husband has one driving need: to feel respected. When that need is met, he is happy. When either of these needs isn’t met, things get crazy with conflict.

Thank God for His forgiveness of your mistakes. In trying to be a loving man or a respectful woman, we blow it. Owning up to mistakes is never easy, but it is always the way to move forward. Take good care not to accuse your spouse of mistakes as you pray. Also, pray about any forgiving to be done in the family, any forgiveness that needs to be asked. Children may need forgiveness (and what about Mom and Dad?). “There is no one on earth who does what is right all the time and never makes a mistake.” (Ecclesiastes 7:20)

In your marriage be the first to “seek peace and pursue it” (1 Peter 3:11)

We are either going to give in the darkness or we are going to give into the darkness.

The difference between successful couples and unsuccessful couples is that successful ones keep getting up and dealing with the issues.

Can you begin to trust that God feels love for you even when you don’t feel that love?

Your spouse deserves the truth from you. Do your best to tell it with love and respect.

Since it is easy to focus on the negative, focus on your mate’s good qualities and express thanks with positive words of Love or Respect.

In the ultimate sense you marriage has nothing to do with your spouse. It has everything to do with your relationship with Jesus Christ.

Unconditional respect, like unconditional love, is all about how one sounds (tone of voice and word choice) and appears (facial expressions and physical actions).

To build a lasting legacy, use proven wisdom that you glean from the Lord.

There is a discrepancy between who we want to be and see ourselves to be and how we actually sound in voice and writing. But with self-reflection and honesty, we can turn the corner and improve our communication. We need only evaluate what we are about to communicate.

When you possess a forgiving spirit, words of Love and Respect will flow authentically from your lips- and realize that the Lord Himself is listening to you at moments like these. He knows you are not powerless, but actually full of power that He has granted you.

As a husband, if you can grasp that you don’t always have to solve your wife’s problems, you will take a giant step toward showing her empathy and understanding.

So I encourage every husband and wife to commit to the Jesus Way of Talking. Instead of allowing the stress of the situation to control you, you can say to yourself, “Because I love the Lord and I know that He rewards every good word, I am going to be truthful even if my spouse is not. I will also be uplifting, forgiving, thankful and scriptural in my speech because my ultimate goal is to please the Lord. Whatever my spouse’s weaknesses or bad habits might be, I will not let them cause me to sin with my lips.”

Never give up. If you want to have a strong marriage, you need to accept temporary setbacks as part of the game.

The Love and Respect message is not about a husband earning his wife’s respect by being more loving any more than it is about a wife earning her husband’s love by being more respectful. Always love or respect is given unconditionally according to God’s commands.

Husbands, even Jesus Himself was asked by a woman, “Do you not care?” (Luke 10:40) When your wife accuses you of not caring, decode her deeper meaning.

Every marriage includes trouble some of the time. Do not let the 20% leaven all the rest.

It’s crucial to communicate with the right tone of voice and the right expression on your face.

If you want your husband to express appreciation for your attempts to be respectful, you must speak thankfully when he tries to be loving.

The moment we cry to Him for help, He is already pleased. He gives us strength to love our children.

Although the Crazy Cycle is not what God intends for any marriage, all couples get on it at times from one degree to another.

When you relinquish an offense, you need to send that offense somewhere. So follow Jesus’ example and release it to your heavenly Father.

We can all have moments of anger, but this does not mean we have to lose control and sin.

A most significant point of this book is this: If what we think is true, kind, necessary, and clear, we need to have the courage to hit send. This isn’t about refraining from speaking; this is about speaking.

The woman absolutely needs love, and the man absolutely needs respect. It’s as simple- and as difficult- as that.

You speak lovingly or respectfully no matter how your spouse may speak to you in return. Your spouse is not the reason--good or bad--why you speak unconditional words of love or respect. God is the reason, and as you depend on Him, you will become increasingly able to speak lovingly and respectfully to your spouse.

God is good and wants what is best for us.

Whose voice are you listening to: Hollywood or God’s Holy Word?

Though the end can be worthy (to be loved and respected), when each uses unholy means (unloving and disrespectful words and actions), it will not achieve those ends. We must treat others as we expect them to treat us. To deny this makes us arrogant or fools, or both.

You must distinguish between “I can’t” and “I won’t.”

Our research shows that couples who pray together are more apt to reap all kinds of benefits, including better and more frequent communication, going on “dates” more frequently and having sex more frequently.

When there is confusion, I try to refrain from attacking another for not listening carefully (which may not be the case). Instead, I take a run at communicating again, but more clearly.

[Husbands] do you realize the power of just holding your wife’s hand?

With a better understanding of God’s promises, you will be on your way to a renewed mind and a changed life.

There is a plan to parent God’s way, even when our children may seek to go their own way at time. The secret is to follow this plan regardless. When you do, I believe you succeed in His eyes.

Husbands, to energize your wife give her face-to-face time, allowing her to talk and share her feelings.

When sorting out how to slow down the Crazy Cycle, it helps to remember that men are commanded to love because they don’t love naturally, and on the other side, women are commanded to respect because they don’t respect naturally.

A wife has one driving need--to feel loved. When that need is met she is happy. A husband has one driving need--to feel respected. When that need is met he is happy. When either of these needs isn’t met, things get crazy. Love and Respect reveals why spouses react negatively to each other, and how they can deal with such conflict quickly, easily and biblically.

Your words reveal your heart.

Our trustworthiness rests on our truthfulness.

When a husband chooses to come across lovingly even though he feels disrespected, he can prevent the Crazy Cycle from spinning and possibly getting out of control.

The mature one in the marriage seldom moves second.

We all need to wrestle with the spiritual truth that God is good. If you don’t believe God is good, you won’t trust His word. If you don’t trust His word, you will find excuses to ignore His commands.

It’s hard to realize that we would never act around our business associates the way we act around our spouse.

Husbands primarily want to hear ‘respect” talk during conflict. Wives primarily want to hear “love” talk during conflict.

Do you understand that God feels compassion for you, no matter what you have done or what your circumstances may be?

[Husbands] the most powerful weapons you have are your ears. Just listen to your wife, and she is much more likely to feel understood.

Wives, you never know: The way you handle this [conflict] might bring your husband not only back to you, but to God. Husbands, you never know: The way you handle this [conflict] might bring your wife not only back to you, but to God. (1 Corinthians 7:16)

Women give a report to build rapport. Men bond through shoulder-to-shoulder activities without talking.

A marriage relationship will be energized when couples learn how to motivate each other God’s way.

When we feel crippling discouragement by the sinful choices and outcomes of our kids, we must not let this permanently deter us from parenting God’s way.

Wives, to energize your husband do an activity with him, shoulder-to-shoulder, without talking.

Thank God for joining you together and for allowing you to trust Him to help you, whatever the issue. God is there for you and expects you to look to Him to keep you together as a team, so ask Him for His help in the smallest of concerns. “So they are no longer two, but one flesh. What therefore God has joined together, let no man separate.” (Matthew 19:6)

It’s so easy to dismiss our spouse as childish because we don’t have the same vulnerabilities they do.

The key to motivating another person is meeting their deepest need, especially during conflict.

Words of love from a husband are like good medicine that brings life to the marriage.

No matter what your struggle- criticism, constant conflict, sex, money, parenting, harsh words- learning to communicate the Love and Respect way can help you make crucial changes and build the kind of relationship that God blesses.

You have to become proactive, rather than just trying to stop the reactive.

Be quick to listen and understand and you have a much better chance of being understood.

Men are solution oriented, they love to solve problems. They want to be helpful.

Accentuate the positive and eliminate the negative with lots of love and respect in between.

Fight like a loving man and a respectful woman. Fight fair.

I often stress that one of the greatest rewards any persevering spouse can have is being a good example and influence on the children in the family.

Don’t pressure yourself with perfection. We are going to fail. A righteous man falls 7 times but gets back up.

Money squabbles don’t undermine love and respect; they simply reveal unloving and disrespectful attitudes, which are the real reason why a marriage can start to wobble on the Crazy Cycle.

You can be right but wrong at the top of your voice.

When you look to God and His Word as your ultimate source of significance and security, you don’t demand that your spouse take that role in your life. And as you draw strength from the Lord individually, He draws you closer together as a couple.

Whether visiting a prison, feeding the hungry, giving the thirsty a drink or speaking a word of love or respect, everything is to be done to and for Christ.

Above all trust God when the “whys” of life threaten to overwhelm you.

Words of Love and Respect must include thankfulness spoken to or about your spouse; don’t fixate on weaknesses and faults.

Always try to look at your spouse the way Jesus does.

Your husband knows you appreciate his desire to protect and provide when you praise his commitment to provide for you. You empathize when he reveals his male mindset about position, status, or rank at work.

Avoid like the plague trying to punish each other as a means of “motivation.” Christ-followers instinctively know that this destroys any opportunity to act out of reverence for Christ. In all marital issues, love and reverence for Christ must be our primary motivation.

Words of wisdom for all husbands and wives are these: We easily see what is done to us before we see what we are doing to our mate.

When one of you makes a mistake, control any anger you may feel and trust God completely, no matter what happens.

Feeling unloved, a wife gets defensive and acts offensively without respect. Feeling disrespected, a husband gets defensive and acts offensively without love.

You cannot use unholy means to achieve a worthy end.

When others do not respond to our communication, we need to look first at our communication style. Is the other person incapable of hearing what we have to say? Or are we abrupt, brusque, and curt?

This is the Rewarded Cycle: His love blesses regardless of her respect and her respect blesses regardless of his love.

Respect for the husband is just as important as love for the wife.

Both Judas and Peter denied Jesus Christ, but there is a huge difference between a Judas and a Peter.

Thank the Lord that in the very beginning He created them male and female – Blue and Pink. Ask Him for patience and ever-growing understanding of how men and women see and hear differently. “He created them male and female, and He blessed them.” (Genesis 5:2)

The parent-child relationship is as easy, and as difficult, as love and respect.

Assume goodwill about the person you are in conflict with.

Thank the Lord for the goodwill each of you has toward the other. Ask Him for strength to give each other the benefit of the doubt during moments when someone’s goodwill seems to be lacking. “He who seeks good finds goodwill, but evil comes to him who searches for it.” (Proverbs 11:27)

We fool ourselves into thinking the other person causes us to be the way we are. They really don’t! But if we lock into that idea, we become helpless, hopeless victims.

God is not trying to trick you or mess with you. Trust that He wants to reveal Himself to you just as much as He wants to reveal Himself to the world.