14 Week Small Group Guide (Download)

The key to motivating another person is meeting their deepest need, especially during conflict.

Your spouse can have a need that you don’t have and that’s okay.

Your spouse has a need that you don’t have. Are you going to say there is something seriously wrong with them or will you say “Viva la Difference”?

When a wife insists that her husband earn her respect, she puts him in a lose-lose situation.

With a better understanding of God’s promises, you will be on your way to a renewed mind and a changed life.

Stay the course regardless of the child’s respect and obedience. This is the Family Rewarded Cycle: a parents love unto Christ regardless of the child.

Your wife feels you are open with her when you discuss financial concerns, possible job changes or ideas for your future.

Just because you may feel unloved or disrespected does not mean your spouse is sending that message.

The mature one in the marriage seldom moves second.

If husbands and wives are to understand the Love and Respect Connection, they must realize that they communicate in code. And the problem is, they don’t know how to decipher the messages they send to one another.

Avoid like the plague trying to punish each other as a means of “motivation.” Christ-followers instinctively know that this destroys any opportunity to act out of reverence for Christ. In all marital issues, love and reverence for Christ must be our primary motivation.

You must “ask God from the wealth of his glory to give you power through his Spirit to be strong in your inner selves.”

There is power and freedom that comes in understanding that no one can cause you to react in a certain way. It is your choice.

We have discovered that as women motivate their man God’s way, men are energized to love them better. It doesn’t matter if your marriage is good or seems like there is no hope. We have seen God move in powerful ways even when things looked hopeless.

The difference between successful couples and unsuccessful couples is that successful ones keep getting up and dealing with the issues.

To not forgive is to shoot yourself in the foot and put extra gas in the Crazy Cycle.

We can communicate the truth in the best of manners, but the person may be so insecure he or she can only react and attack like a wounded bear.

When your wife comes to talk to you, listen to her. Realize she is coming to you because you matter more to her than anyone else. She has certain emotional needs and only you can meet them. Sometimes she may say things that don’t make sense to you and she is apt to misspeak and exaggerate when she is upset, but don’t put her down. Instead, listen to her heart. Give her a chance to express her concerns and, as she does so, don’t try to fix her. Don’t give her your solutions unless she asks for them.

Your position in Christ is what counts, not your less-than-perfect performance.

How we react to a situation reveals more about us than about the other person.

Trust God when the “why’s” of life threaten to overwhelm you.

You speak lovingly or respectfully no matter how your spouse may speak to you in return. Your spouse is not the reason--good or bad--why you speak unconditional words of love or respect. God is the reason, and as you depend on Him, you will become increasingly able to speak lovingly and respectfully to your spouse.

Husbands primarily want to hear ‘respect” talk during conflict. Wives primarily want to hear “love” talk during conflict.

A wife has one driving need: to feel loved. When that need is met, she is happy. A husband has one driving need: to feel respected. When that need is met, he is happy. When either of these needs isn’t met, things get crazy with conflict.

There is a discrepancy between who we want to be and see ourselves to be and how we actually sound in voice and writing. But with self-reflection and honesty, we can turn the corner and improve our communication. We need only evaluate what we are about to communicate.

You can be right in the argument, but wrong in your approach.

In the ultimate sense, your marriage has nothing to do with your spouse. It has everything to do with your relationship to Jesus Christ.

God is not pink. God is not blue. God is purple. When two become one, they have the potential of displaying God’s attributes and character.

She’ll feel at peace with you when you let her vent your frustrations and hurts and don’t get angry and close her off.

Can you begin to trust that God feels love for you even when you don’t feel that love?

Whether visiting a prison, feeding the hungry, giving the thirsty a drink or speaking a word of love or respect, everything is to be done to and for Christ.

If a husband chooses to be a peacemaker--taking the needs and concerns of his wife totally into account during any kind of argument or conflict--his wife will be motivated in turn to respond to his authority during stalemates.

If a husband is commanded to agape- love his wife, then she truly needs love.

Don’t label each other as bad because you differ on how you solve your troubles.

It’s hard to realize that we would never act around our business associates the way we act around our spouse.

She’s not wrong for not being male. He is not wrong for not being female. When you put pink and blue together, you get purple, the color of royalty; the color of God. Together, a husband and wife reflect God’s image.

When you look to God and His Word as your ultimate source of significance and security, you don’t demand that your spouse take that role in your life. And as you draw strength from the Lord individually, He draws you closer together as a couple.

The moment we cry to Him for help, He is already pleased. He gives us strength to love our children.

Do you give yourself grace and your spouse judgment?

God rewards your obedience to love and respect, even if your spouse does not respond!

Good intentions do not always produce good words or outcomes.

Do you bow to the influence of Hollywood or God’s Holy Word?

A parent needs to feel respected, especially during conflicts...A child need to feel loved, especially during disputes.

No one can really practice Love and Respect unless he or she does it as unto Jesus Christ.

When we speak before we think, we widen the chances the other person(s) will be notably hurt, frustrated, confused, angry, fearful, or offended by something we’ve communicated.

Your wife will feel esteemed when you speak highly of her in front of others.

It’s so easy to dismiss our spouse as childish because we don’t have the same vulnerabilities they do.

Most marriages will succeed when obeying the command to Love and Respect.

Marriage is a tool and a test to deepen and demonstrate your love and your reverence for Jesus Christ.

Responding to offensive words or actions with your own offensive words and actions is damaging and unproductive.

Just because you’re offended doesn’t mean the other person is offensive.

A major step toward a happy marriage is accepting differences and working them out with love and respect.

God’s commands are not burdensome, but are given to us to spare us from more pain. Why would God command you to do something that doesn’t work?

He will feel appreciated when you disagree with him only in private and honor his authority in front of the kids.

If you want your husband to express appreciation for your attempts to be respectful, you must speak thankfully when he tries to be loving.

Share what God is saying to your heart, not what you think He needs to say to your mate.

I have concluded that those of us in the church who believe we have the Truth are not using the whole truth. A crucial part of God’s Word has been completely ignored, or perhaps simply gone unnoticed, when it has been there right under our noses the whole time! Many Christian spouses know Ephesians 5:33 and can at least paraphrase it. The Apostle Paul tells husbands to love their wives as much as they love themselves, and wives are to respect their husbands. But is anyone really listening? Perhaps the first step to better communication between husband and wife is to hear what God’s Word clearly says. --Emerson

Thank God for joining you together and for allowing you to trust Him to help you, whatever the issue. God is there for you and expects you to look to Him to keep you together as a team, so ask Him for His help in the smallest of concerns. “So they are no longer two, but one flesh. What therefore God has joined together, let no man separate.” (Matthew 19:6)

Words of wisdom for all husbands and wives are these: We easily see what is done to us before we see what we are doing to our mate.

You cannot use unholy means to achieve a worthy end.

A husband may deserve contempt, but that doesn’t win him any more than harshness and anger wins the heart of a woman.

A wife has one driving need--to feel loved. When that need is met she is happy. A husband has one driving need--to feel respected. When that need is met he is happy. When either of these needs isn’t met, things get crazy. Love and Respect reveals why spouses react negatively to each other, and how they can deal with such conflict quickly, easily and biblically.

In your marriage be the first to “seek peace and pursue it” (1 Peter 3:11)

His love blesses regardless of her respect; her respect blesses regardless of his love.

His love motivates her respect. Her respect motivates his love.

The heart of my communication means the other person cannot get my heart to be unkind, unloving, or disrespectful. Instead, I have made a decision about who I will be independent of the other person. I won’t blame my unkindness on someone else.

You may believe that the careless, unloving or disrespectful words you speak are because your spouse is causing you to speak this way, but Jesus says that it is coming out of your heart.

Negative actions rarely produce positive results.

We have to step back as Christ followers and ask, “Do I have false expectations that my relationship should be romantic 99% of the time?”

You must distinguish between “I can’t” and “I won’t.”

When a husband feels disrespected, it is especially hard to love his wife. When a wife feels unloved, it is especially hard to respect her husband.

Though the end can be worthy (to be loved and respected), when each uses unholy means (unloving and disrespectful words and actions), it will not achieve those ends. We must treat others as we expect them to treat us. To deny this makes us arrogant or fools, or both.

Thank the Lord for all the trouble-free moments in which you and your spouse enjoy Him, each other, your family, your ministry and life as a whole. Ask Him for the strength to accept your measure of trouble, and the wisdom to deal with the annoyances and irritations by loving and respecting each other with new commitment. (You may also want to pray about troubles at work, at church, with the children…) “But those who marry will have trouble in this life” (1 Corinthians 7:28)

We all need to wrestle with the spiritual truth that God is good. If you don’t believe God is good, you won’t trust His word. If you don’t trust His word, you will find excuses to ignore His commands.

Focus on the positive in the midst of the negative, and the Energizing Cycle will keep right on humming.

When a wife feels unloved, it can be such a shock to her heart that she is oblivious to her disrespectful reactions toward her husband, though any man watching could see it plainly.

[Women], your self-love cannot be derived from your husband’s love. It can affect it, but it does not determine it.

When you’re truly Christ-centered, instead of child-centered, you will be a more effective parent in the long run.

Be quick to listen and understand and you have a much better chance of being understood.

When a husband feels disrespected, he has a natural tendency to react in ways that feel unloving to his wife. (Perhaps the command to love was given to him precisely for this reason!) When a wife feels unloved, she has a natural tendency to react in ways that feel disrespectful to her husband. (Perhaps the command to respect was given to her precisely for this reason!)

Self-interest should never come ahead of your spouse’s interests.

We might say that every negative action in the family has an equal and opposite negative reaction.

Pink and Blue perceptions not only affect seeing, they affect hearing as well. Women hear with pink hearing aids and men hear with blue hearing aids. Even more important to understand as you and your spouse seek to gain better communication, you can hear the very same words, but each of you will hear different messages.

We all need love and respect equally. But, during conflict our felt needs are as different as pink is from blue.

God designed the woman to love. He’s not going to command her to agape her husband when He created her to do that in the first place. God is not into redundancy.

You have two ears and one mouth; use them proportionately.

We can all have moments of anger, but this does not mean we have to lose control and sin.

Be a part of the solution, not part of the problem.

Your words reveal your heart.

The more we are upset at something, the wiser it is to let twenty-four hours pass before responding.

Will we decide how we see God based on our circumstances, or will we see our circumstances in light of how we view God?

I had often asked God to compensate for my mistakes, but in return had I thought He would give me perfect children?

A man has a natural, inborn desire to go out and “conquer” the challenges of his world – to work and achieve.

We easily see what is done to us before we see what we are doing to our mate.

Money squabbles don’t undermine love and respect; they simply reveal unloving and disrespectful attitudes, which are the real reason why a marriage can start to wobble on the Crazy Cycle.

Your marriage is a tool and a test to deepen and demonstrate your love and reverence for Jesus Christ. God is using your spouse to bring you an eternal reward.

Unconditional respect is as powerful to him as unconditional love is to her.

When others do not respond to our communication, we need to look first at our communication style. Is the other person incapable of hearing what we have to say? Or are we abrupt, brusque, and curt?

Being friendly to her man is one of the most effective things a woman can do to strengthen her marriage.

The Lord made women (Pink) and men (Blue) with differences, and He expects us to recognize and deal with those differences in a loving and respectful way.