14 Week Small Group Guide (Download)

We easily see what is done to us before we see what we are doing to our mate.

If a husband loves his wife as he should, she will feel honored and respected. If a wife respects her husband as she should, he will feel loved and appreciated. It’s a win-win.

Trust God when the “why’s” of life threaten to overwhelm you.

The Crazy Cycle is, indeed “the evil of folly and the foolishness of madness” (Ecclesiastes 7:25)

Ladies, be careful. “A nagging wife goes on and on like the drip, drip, drip of the rain” (Proverbs 19:13).

As mature men, we need to take leadership and put this out on the table. We must acknowledge our feelings- we need to feel respected. However, as we do this we must acknowledge our wife’s feelings- she needs to feel loved!

Whose voice are you listening to: Hollywood or God’s Holy Word?

Unconditional love or respect is never wasted. Hang onto this promise: “Let us not lose heart in doing good, for in due time we will reap if we do not grow weary” (Galatians 6:9).

Can you begin to trust that God feels love for you even when you don’t feel that love?

Through Jesus and Peter, God set forth His standard for living in the unconditional dimension: choose to be loving even when the other person is not; do what is right regardless of the treatment you receive. I believe this standard applies directly to marriage. A husband who speaks lovingly to his disrespectful wife will be rewarded; and a wife who speaks respectfully to her unloving, not-worthy-of-respect husband will be rewarded. Whether you are husband or wife, the reward is what can keep you going in the midst of the craziness: knowing that God commends you, knowing that you have found his favor for your words and actions.

Husbands, even Jesus Himself was asked by a woman, “Do you not care?” (Luke 10:40) When your wife accuses you of not caring, decode her deeper meaning.

Self-interest should never come ahead of your spouse’s interests.

Accidental sparks (unwise remarks) ignite and fuel a fire, and vroom goes the Crazy Cycle.

As you pray together, you will truly learn to love and respect together.

We must bring our identity in Christ to our parenting—we must not derive our identity from our children.

[Husbands] do you realize the power of just holding your wife’s hand?

Your husband knows you value his friendship when you tell him you like him and you show it (he knows you love him, but he often wonders if you really like him).

Both Judas and Peter denied Jesus Christ, but there is a huge difference between a Judas and a Peter.

In the ultimate sense, your marriage has nothing to do with your spouse. It has everything to do with your relationship to Jesus Christ.

Feeling unloved, a wife gets defensive and acts offensively without respect. Feeling disrespected, a husband gets defensive and acts offensively without love.

Stay the course regardless of the child’s respect and obedience. This is the Family Rewarded Cycle: a parents love unto Christ regardless of the child.

Women give a report to build rapport. Men bond through shoulder-to-shoulder activities without talking.

Be a part of the solution, not part of the problem.

Optimism or pessimism? It is always a choice, no matter what your natural temperament.

The mature one in the marriage seldom moves second.

Research shows that 70% of the couples who were extremely unhappy in their marriage, but hung in there and worked through the tough time, identified themselves as being very happy five years later.

We have discovered that as women motivate their man God’s way, men are energized to love them better. It doesn’t matter if your marriage is good or seems like there is no hope. We have seen God move in powerful ways even when things looked hopeless.

“You can be right, but wrong at the top of your voice.”

You speak lovingly or respectfully no matter how your spouse may speak to you in return. Your spouse is not the reason--good or bad--why you speak unconditional words of love or respect. God is the reason, and as you depend on Him, you will become increasingly able to speak lovingly and respectfully to your spouse.

There is a discrepancy between who we want to be and see ourselves to be and how we actually sound in voice and writing. But with self-reflection and honesty, we can turn the corner and improve our communication. We need only evaluate what we are about to communicate.

We have different vulnerabilities. We can pass judgment on one another all day long or we can say God made us different and that’s ok.

To get offended is easy, but to forgive is within your power as you walk in His steps.

Focus on the positive in the midst of the negative, and the Energizing Cycle will keep right on humming.

Fight like a loving man and a respectful woman. Fight fair.

Your marriage is a test of your devotion to Christ.

Do you bow to the influence of Hollywood or God’s Holy Word?

A husband may deserve contempt, but that doesn’t win him any more than harshness and anger wins the heart of a woman.

[Women], your self-love cannot be derived from your husband’s love. It can affect it, but it does not determine it.

With a better understanding of God’s promises, you will be on your way to a renewed mind and a changed life.

Do you understand that God feels compassion for you, no matter what you have done or what your circumstances may be?

The key to motivating another person is meeting their deepest need, especially during conflict.

To stay the course in speaking words of Love and Respect, keep your heart in Scripture, trusting in and talking about His promises to help you.

A wife has one driving need: to feel loved. When that need is met, she is happy. A husband has one driving need: to feel respected. When that need is met, he is happy. When either of these needs isn’t met, things get crazy with conflict.

When there is confusion, I try to refrain from attacking another for not listening carefully (which may not be the case). Instead, I take a run at communicating again, but more clearly.

Words of Love and Respect must include thankfulness spoken to or about your spouse; don’t fixate on weaknesses and faults.

There is a plan to parent God’s way, even when our children may seek to go their own way at time. The secret is to follow this plan regardless. When you do, I believe you succeed in His eyes.

Always see your mate as an ally. Feedback is of little use if you see your spouse as an enemy. Giving and receiving constructive feedback is based on feelings of goodwill in both partners. Both of you need to remember that, even if you don’t always agree and even if you become irritated or angry, you are friends, and neither of you means to hurt the other.

Our trustworthiness rests on our truthfulness.

Be friendly. Be friendly. Be friendly. Watch what happens.

So I encourage every husband and wife to commit to the Jesus Way of Talking. Instead of allowing the stress of the situation to control you, you can say to yourself, “Because I love the Lord and I know that He rewards every good word, I am going to be truthful even if my spouse is not. I will also be uplifting, forgiving, thankful and scriptural in my speech because my ultimate goal is to please the Lord. Whatever my spouse’s weaknesses or bad habits might be, I will not let them cause me to sin with my lips.”

When the wife flatly says her husband will have to earn her respect before she gives him any, she leaves the husband in a lose-lose situation. Now he is responsible for both love and respect in the relationship. He must unconditionally love his wife and earn her respect.

Marriage is a tool and a test to allow God’s will to be revealed in our lives.

In the ultimate sense you marriage has nothing to do with your spouse. It has everything to do with your relationship with Jesus Christ.

Trusting and obeying God’s Word because we love and reverence God never, ever makes us a hypocrite! When the alarm goes off in the morning, we get up, even when we don’t feel like it getting up. Because we do what we don’t feel like doing, does that make us hypocrites? No, it’s a sign we are responsible people. Showing respectful behavior when we don’t “feel respectful” is evidence of maturity.

No matter how difficult your spouse may be at the moment, your spouse does not have control over your reaction; you do. You may be experiencing disappointment, frustration, or anger, but you always have a choice.

At the very bottom of things, in every case and in every conversation, you can do your marriage a huge favor by assuming she is seeking to feel loved or he is seeking to feel respected and give your spouse some grace!

Unconditional respect is as powerful to him as unconditional love is to her.

When you love or respect unconditionally regardless of the outcome, you are following God and His will for you.

We all need to wrestle with the spiritual truth that God is good. If you don’t believe God is good, you won’t trust His word. If you don’t trust His word, you will find excuses to ignore His commands.

The parent-child relationship is as easy, and as difficult, as love and respect.

We get on the Crazy Cycle because without love a wife reacts without respect, and without respect a husband reacts without love.

Your spouse can have a need that you don’t have and that’s okay.

Your spouse can affect you, but your spouse does not control you.

You have to become proactive, rather than just trying to stop the reactive.

God rewards your obedience to love and respect, even if your spouse does not respond!

Often both spouses have goodwill but are not deciphering each other’s code. She criticizes out of love, but he “hears” only disrespect. He distances himself to prevent feelings from escalating, which is the honorable thing to do, but she “sees” only his failure to be loving!

Words of love from a husband are like good medicine that brings life to the marriage.

Assuming goodwill can be revolutionary in relationships.

You cannot use unholy means to achieve a worthy end.

Your wife will feel esteemed when you speak highly of her in front of others.

Your marriage is a tool and a test to deepen and demonstrate your love and reverence for Jesus Christ. God is using your spouse to bring you an eternal reward.

Every marriage includes trouble some of the time. Do not let the 20% leaven all the rest.

Do you believe that there is a God who really loves you and wants to help you?

When a husband chooses to come across lovingly even though he feels disrespected, he can prevent the Crazy Cycle from spinning and possibly getting out of control.

Holding back your love or respect will just keep the Crazy Cycle spinning away, but being mature and making the first move could slow it down.

A major step toward a happy marriage is accepting differences and working them out with love and respect.

If a husband is commanded to agape- love his wife, then she truly needs love.

When you play the blame game your marriage never wins.

When Jesus said “turn the other cheek,” He wasn’t saying to be passive wimps. He was teaching that physically people can control you but if you turn and give the other cheek, suddenly you’re in control and you’re making the choices.

When parents genuinely trust and follow the Lord and His ways, their faith spills over onto the children.

Wives, to energize your husband do an activity with him, shoulder-to-shoulder, without talking.

It is so easy to draw wrong conclusions about a spouse’s character and motives due to an occasional flare-up or silly comment.

Your spouse deserves the truth from you. Do your best to tell it with love and respect.

Do you seek to understand or only to be understood?

Do you give yourself grace and your spouse judgment?

We are worth Jesus to the Father.

“With eyes of faith, envision Jesus standing just beyond the shoulder of your spouse and listening to every word you speak in every conversation, pleasant or tense. When you speak lovingly or respectfully to your spouse, you are speaking to Christ. Your spouse just happens to be there too.” This truth has sanctified the lips of many. Instead of giving their spouse a verbal whipping or choking on the idea of saying anything positive, now some spouses are motivated to speak words of unconditional love or respect.

A marriage relationship will be energized when couples learn how to motivate each other God’s way.

Let the Lord change you, but don’t try to change each other.

Mistakes can’t be undone, but they can be forgiven.

A man has a natural, inborn desire to go out and “conquer” the challenges of his world – to work and achieve.

Negative actions rarely produce positive results.

Mutual submission is the only way to live fairly together with mutual authority.

If husbands and wives are to understand the Love and Respect Connection, they must realize that they communicate in code. And the problem is, they don’t know how to decipher the messages they send to one another.

The moment we cry to Him for help, He is already pleased. He gives us strength to love our children.

We send each other messages in “code” based on gender, even though we don’t intend to. What I say is not what you hear, and what you think you heard is not what I meant at all.

When a wife feels unloved, it can be such a shock to her heart that she is oblivious to her disrespectful reactions toward her husband, though any man watching could see it plainly.

Being a person who communicates what is true frequently demands tact, and at times it can feel like sidestepping land mines. It takes work to be both truthful and tactful.

I have concluded that those of us in the church who believe we have the Truth are not using the whole truth. A crucial part of God’s Word has been completely ignored, or perhaps simply gone unnoticed, when it has been there right under our noses the whole time! Many Christian spouses know Ephesians 5:33 and can at least paraphrase it. The Apostle Paul tells husbands to love their wives as much as they love themselves, and wives are to respect their husbands. But is anyone really listening? Perhaps the first step to better communication between husband and wife is to hear what God’s Word clearly says. --Emerson

Your wife feels you are open with her when you discuss financial concerns, possible job changes or ideas for your future.