14 Week Small Group Guide (Download)

It is crucial for a husband and wife to see that neither one is wrong, but both of them are very different--in body function, outlook and perspective.

Your marriage is really a tool and a test to deepen and demonstrate your love and reverence for your Lord.

Husbands, even Jesus Himself was asked by a woman, “Do you not care?” (Luke 10:40) When your wife accuses you of not caring, decode her deeper meaning.

We might say that every negative action in the family has an equal and opposite negative reaction.

Clarifying is what you do before you step on your mate’s air hose and deflate his or her spirit. For example, you are having a typical conversation, but you can tell there is a misunderstanding. One of you isn’t being clear or isn’t hearing correctly. Then and there you clarify the misunderstanding before your spouse’s spirit deflates. You lovingly or respectfully clarify matters so that your spouse will not feel unloved or disrespected. The reason you take pains to clarify a seemingly small matter is to prevent the situation from becoming a love and respect issue that needs decoding. Clarifying is what you do to stay off the Crazy Cycle and keep positive, energetic feelings flowing between the two of you, to keep yourselves on the Energizing Cycle.

Since it is easy to focus on the negative, focus on your mate’s good qualities and express thanks with positive words of Love or Respect.

Do not live by the standards of Hollywood; trust what God says in His Holy Word.

Optimism or pessimism? It is always a choice, no matter what your natural temperament.

She’s not wrong for not being male. He is not wrong for not being female. When you put pink and blue together, you get purple, the color of royalty; the color of God. Together, a husband and wife reflect God’s image.

Your marriage is a tool and a test to deepen and demonstrate your love and reverence for Jesus Christ. God is using your spouse to bring you an eternal reward.

Always remember that Pink and Blue have different wiring, different preferences. Assume your spouse has goodwill toward you, no matter what. Both of you can be right, while being different.

Each of you must focus on what God is calling you to do toward your spouse. Do not focus on what you think God is calling your spouse to do toward you.

You have to become proactive, rather than just trying to stop the reactive.

She’ll feel at peace with you when you let her vent your frustrations and hurts and don’t get angry and close her off.

Words of wisdom for all husbands and wives are these: We easily see what is done to us before we see what we are doing to our mate.

God’s commands are not burdensome, but are given to us to spare us from more pain. Why would God command you to do something that doesn’t work?

If you are seeking positive change in your marriage, you will need to make a positive change in your attitude and actions.

With a better understanding of God’s promises, you will be on your way to a renewed mind and a changed life.

The Love and Respect message is not about a husband earning his wife’s respect by being more loving any more than it is about a wife earning her husband’s love by being more respectful. Always love or respect is given unconditionally according to God’s commands.

So I encourage every husband and wife to commit to the Jesus Way of Talking. Instead of allowing the stress of the situation to control you, you can say to yourself, “Because I love the Lord and I know that He rewards every good word, I am going to be truthful even if my spouse is not. I will also be uplifting, forgiving, thankful and scriptural in my speech because my ultimate goal is to please the Lord. Whatever my spouse’s weaknesses or bad habits might be, I will not let them cause me to sin with my lips.”

Being friendly to her man is one of the most effective things a woman can do to strengthen her marriage.

Can you begin to trust that God feels love for you even when you don’t feel that love?

There is power and freedom that comes in understanding that no one can cause you to react in a certain way. It is your choice.

You both forgive for one simple but profound reason: because you know Christ has forgiven you!

We fool ourselves into thinking the other person causes us to be the way we are. They really don’t! But if we lock into that idea, we become helpless, hopeless victims.

Good intentions do not always produce good words or outcomes.

We easily see what is done to us before we see what we are doing to our mate.

Just because you’re offended doesn’t mean the other person is offensive.

If a husband loves his wife as he should, she will feel honored and respected. If a wife respects her husband as she should, he will feel loved and appreciated. It’s a win-win.

It’s so easy to dismiss our spouse as childish because we don’t have the same vulnerabilities they do.

Mutual submission is the only way to live fairly together with mutual authority.

When we feel crippling discouragement by the sinful choices and outcomes of our kids, we must not let this permanently deter us from parenting God’s way.

I had often asked God to compensate for my mistakes, but in return had I thought He would give me perfect children?

Focus on the positive in the midst of the negative, and the Energizing Cycle will keep right on humming.

Thank the Lord that in the very beginning He created them male and female – Blue and Pink. Ask Him for patience and ever-growing understanding of how men and women see and hear differently. “He created them male and female, and He blessed them.” (Genesis 5:2)

It is hard to be negative while being thankful.

If you want your husband to express appreciation for your attempts to be respectful, you must speak thankfully when he tries to be loving.

We blame people for the bad things we do, but take credit for the good things we do.

The Crazy Cycle is, indeed “the evil of folly and the foolishness of madness” (Ecclesiastes 7:25)

When one of you makes a mistake, control any anger you may feel and trust God completely, no matter what happens.

Words of Love and Respect must include thankfulness spoken to or about your spouse; don’t fixate on weaknesses and faults.

One thing to remember in this culture is if we say something complimentary towards one gender, we aren’t saying something against the other.

When a husband feels disrespected, he has a natural tendency to react in ways that feel unloving to his wife. (Perhaps the command to love was given to him precisely for this reason!) When a wife feels unloved, she has a natural tendency to react in ways that feel disrespectful to her husband. (Perhaps the command to respect was given to her precisely for this reason!)

Stay the course regardless of the child’s respect and obedience. This is the Family Rewarded Cycle: a parents love unto Christ regardless of the child.

Your wife will feel esteemed when you speak highly of her in front of others.

Your position in Christ is what counts, not your less-than-perfect performance.

“With eyes of faith, envision Jesus standing just beyond the shoulder of your spouse and listening to every word you speak in every conversation, pleasant or tense. When you speak lovingly or respectfully to your spouse, you are speaking to Christ. Your spouse just happens to be there too.” This truth has sanctified the lips of many. Instead of giving their spouse a verbal whipping or choking on the idea of saying anything positive, now some spouses are motivated to speak words of unconditional love or respect.

Getting married reveals, usually sooner than later, an incontestable fact: your spouse cannot possibly meet all your needs and desires

Words of love from a husband are like good medicine that brings life to the marriage.

A woman needs love like she needs air to breathe. A man needs respect like he needs air to breathe.

When you love or respect unconditionally regardless of the outcome, you are following God and His will for you.

“Living happily ever after” means knowing how to deal with the imperfect parts of life.

Assume goodwill about the person you are in conflict with.

Accentuate the positive and eliminate the negative with lots of love and respect in between.

When evil comes at you, you’re the one who makes the choice of whether or not it is going to go into you.

Just because you may feel unloved or disrespected does not mean your spouse is sending that message.

A parent needs to feel respected, especially during conflicts...A child need to feel loved, especially during disputes.

I have concluded that those of us in the church who believe we have the Truth are not using the whole truth. A crucial part of God’s Word has been completely ignored, or perhaps simply gone unnoticed, when it has been there right under our noses the whole time! Many Christian spouses know Ephesians 5:33 and can at least paraphrase it. The Apostle Paul tells husbands to love their wives as much as they love themselves, and wives are to respect their husbands. But is anyone really listening? Perhaps the first step to better communication between husband and wife is to hear what God’s Word clearly says. --Emerson

God’s commands are there to help us, not to hinder us or hold us back as male and female.

Often both spouses have goodwill but are not deciphering each other’s code. She criticizes out of love, but he “hears” only disrespect. He distances himself to prevent feelings from escalating, which is the honorable thing to do, but she “sees” only his failure to be loving!

When confronting your spouse, attack the behavior, not the person.

Responding to offensive words or actions with your own offensive words and actions is damaging and unproductive.

When you look to God and His Word as your ultimate source of significance and security, you don’t demand that your spouse take that role in your life. And as you draw strength from the Lord individually, He draws you closer together as a couple.

Love and Respect is a faith venture, not a formula.

Whether visiting a prison, feeding the hungry, giving the thirsty a drink or speaking a word of love or respect, everything is to be done to and for Christ.

We get on the Crazy Cycle because without love a wife reacts without respect, and without respect a husband reacts without love.

Here is the secret to marriage that every couple seeks and yet few find: Unconditional respect is as powerful for him as unconditional love is for her. It’s the secret that will help you achieve a brand new level of intimacy.

Fight like a loving man and a respectful woman. Fight fair.

Do you seek to understand or only to be understood?

We have to step back as Christ followers and ask, “Do I have false expectations that my relationship should be romantic 99% of the time?”

Both Judas and Peter denied Jesus Christ, but there is a huge difference between a Judas and a Peter.

As you pray together, you will truly learn to love and respect together.

He will feel appreciated when you disagree with him only in private and honor his authority in front of the kids.

Do you give yourself grace and your spouse judgment?

At the very bottom of things, in every case and in every conversation, you can do your marriage a huge favor by assuming she is seeking to feel loved or he is seeking to feel respected and give your spouse some grace!

Above all trust God when the “whys” of life threaten to overwhelm you.

Don’t pressure yourself with perfection. We are going to fail. A righteous man falls 7 times but gets back up.

When there is confusion, I try to refrain from attacking another for not listening carefully (which may not be the case). Instead, I take a run at communicating again, but more clearly.

When a wife insists that her husband earn her respect, she puts him in a lose-lose situation.

When you come home after you have been apart, the first few moments of reconnecting will set the tone for the rest of the evening.

If a husband chooses to be a peacemaker--taking the needs and concerns of his wife totally into account during any kind of argument or conflict--his wife will be motivated in turn to respond to his authority during stalemates.

When a husband chooses to do or say something loving, and that includes saying, ‘I’m sorry for coming across in an unloving way,’ he energizes his wife. When a wife decides to express herself respectfully, and that includes apologizing for her disrespectful attitude, she energizes her husband.

Do you believe that there is a God who really loves you and wants to help you?

Wives, you never know: The way you handle this [conflict] might bring your husband not only back to you, but to God. Husbands, you never know: The way you handle this [conflict] might bring your wife not only back to you, but to God. (1 Corinthians 7:16)

Whose voice are you listening to: Hollywood or God’s Holy Word?

Don’t label each other as bad because you differ on how you solve your troubles.

Before hitting send, ask yourself, "Have I listened carefully and understand the exact issue on the table?"

I often stress that one of the greatest rewards any persevering spouse can have is being a good example and influence on the children in the family.

Wives, to energize your husband do an activity with him, shoulder-to-shoulder, without talking.

We can all have moments of anger, but this does not mean we have to lose control and sin.

Respect for the husband is just as important as love for the wife.

A most significant point of this book is this: If what we think is true, kind, necessary, and clear, we need to have the courage to hit send. This isn’t about refraining from speaking; this is about speaking.

God is good and wants what is best for us.

You can be right but wrong at the top of your voice.

[Husbands] as the church places her burdens on Christ, so a woman needs to place her burdens on her husband. When she shares with you, don’t assume she is asking you to solve the problem. Ask your wife, “Do you want a solution or a listening ear?”

In your marriage be the first to “seek peace and pursue it” (1 Peter 3:11)

There is a plan to parent God’s way, even when our children may seek to go their own way at time. The secret is to follow this plan regardless. When you do, I believe you succeed in His eyes.

[Women], your self-love cannot be derived from your husband’s love. It can affect it, but it does not determine it.

Your husband knows you appreciate his desire to protect and provide when you praise his commitment to provide for you. You empathize when he reveals his male mindset about position, status, or rank at work.

God rewards your obedience to love and respect, even if your spouse does not respond!