Respectfully Yours - Participant Study Guide

When your wife comes to talk to you, listen to her. Realize she is coming to you because you matter more to her than anyone else. She has certain emotional needs and only you can meet them. Sometimes she may say things that don’t make sense to you and she is apt to misspeak and exaggerate when she is upset, but don’t put her down. Instead, listen to her heart. Give her a chance to express her concerns and, as she does so, don’t try to fix her. Don’t give her your solutions unless she asks for them.

There is a discrepancy between who we want to be and see ourselves to be and how we actually sound in voice and writing. But with self-reflection and honesty, we can turn the corner and improve our communication. We need only evaluate what we are about to communicate.

The Crazy Cycle is, indeed, “the evil of folly and the foolishness of madness” (Ecclesiastes 7:25).

A wife has one driving need: to feel loved. When that need is met, she is happy. A husband has one driving need: to feel respected. When that need is met, he is happy. When either of these needs isn’t met, things get crazy with conflict.

The Lord made women (Pink) and men (Blue) with differences, and He expects us to recognize and deal with those differences in a loving and respectful way.

Your husband knows you value his friendship when you tell him you like him and you show it (he knows you love him, but he often wonders if you really like him).

God is good and wants what is best for us.

You have two ears and one mouth; use them proportionately.

When you’re truly Christ-centered, instead of child-centered, you will be a more effective parent in the long run.

Mutual submission is the only way to live fairly together with mutual authority.

A major step toward a happy marriage is accepting differences and working them out with love and respect.

Troubles over sex and money do not cause a marriage to go under. The lack of love and respect during conflict cause the marriage to go under.

Optimism or pessimism? It is always a choice, no matter what your natural temperament.

Just because you’re offended doesn’t mean the other person is offensive.

Just because you may feel unloved or disrespected does not mean your spouse is sending that message.

Whether visiting a prison, feeding the hungry, giving the thirsty a drink or speaking a word of love or respect, everything is to be done to and for Christ.

Wives, to energize your husband do an activity with him, shoulder-to-shoulder, without talking.

No matter how difficult your spouse may be at the moment, your spouse does not have control over your reaction; you do. You may be experiencing disappointment, frustration or anger, but you always have a choice. A wife can choose to be disrespectful or respectful. A husband can choose to be unloving or loving.

The woman absolutely needs love, and the man absolutely needs respect. It’s as simple- and as difficult- as that.

Your spouse can have a need that you don’t have and that’s okay.

She’s not wrong for not being male. He is not wrong for not being female. When you put pink and blue together, you get purple, the color of royalty; the color of God. Together, a husband and wife reflect God’s image.

It’s true that women have intuition and that men should listen to them. It’s also true that women have blind spots and need the insight of their husbands.

You must “ask God from the wealth of his glory to give you power through his Spirit to be strong in your inner selves.”

A husband may deserve contempt, but that doesn’t win him any more than harshness and anger wins the heart of a woman.

Unconditional love or respect is never wasted. Hang onto this promise: “Let us not lose heart in doing good, for in due time we will reap if we do not grow weary” (Galatians 6:9).

Above all trust God when the “whys” of life threaten to overwhelm you.

A woman needs love like she needs air to breathe. A man needs respect like he needs air to breathe.

Could you be facing a crisis in faith more than a crisis in your marriage?

Can you begin to trust that God feels love for you even when you don’t feel that love?

Do you give yourself grace and your spouse judgment?

When one of you makes a mistake, control any anger you may feel and trust God completely, no matter what happens.

Getting married reveals, usually sooner than later, an incontestable fact: your spouse cannot possibly meet all your needs and desires

God is not trying to trick you or mess with you. Trust that He wants to reveal Himself to you just as much as He wants to reveal Himself to the world.

Assume goodwill about the person you are in conflict with.

A most significant point of this book is this: If what we think is true, kind, necessary, and clear, we need to have the courage to hit send. This isn’t about refraining from speaking; this is about speaking.

Holding back your love or respect will just keep the Crazy Cycle spinning away, but being mature and making the first move could slow it down.

In the ultimate sense you marriage has nothing to do with your spouse. It has everything to do with your relationship with Jesus Christ.

Whose voice are you listening to: Hollywood or God’s Holy Word?

Your spouse has a need that you don’t have. Are you going to say there is something seriously wrong with them or will you say “Viva la Difference”?

Do not live by the standards of Hollywood; trust what God says in His Holy Word.

Your spouse deserves the truth from you. Do your best to tell it with love and respect.

If a husband is commanded to agape- love his wife, then she truly needs love.

Accidental sparks (unwise remarks) ignite and fuel a fire, and vroom goes the Crazy Cycle.

The heart of my communication means the other person cannot get my heart to be unkind, unloving, or disrespectful. Instead, I have made a decision about who I will be independent of the other person. I won’t blame my unkindness on someone else.

I had often asked God to compensate for my mistakes, but in return had I thought He would give me perfect children?

You can experience hurt, but it is your choice to hate.

I often stress that one of the greatest rewards any persevering spouse can have is being a good example and influence on the children in the family.

Mutual understanding, not communication, is the key to a healthy marriage relationship.

She’ll feel at peace with you when you let her vent your frustrations and hurts and don’t get angry and close her off.

Your spouse may meet many of your needs, but your deepest dependency should be on your Lord.

Words of Love and Respect must include thankfulness spoken to or about your spouse; don’t fixate on weaknesses and faults.

Wives, you never know: The way you handle this [conflict] might bring your husband not only back to you, but to God. Husbands, you never know: The way you handle this [conflict] might bring your wife not only back to you, but to God. (1 Corinthians 7:16)

When Jesus said “turn the other cheek,” He wasn’t saying to be passive wimps. He was teaching that physically people can control you but if you turn and give the other cheek, suddenly you’re in control and you’re making the choices.

Thank God for joining you together and for allowing you to trust Him to help you, whatever the issue. God is there for you and expects you to look to Him to keep you together as a team, so ask Him for His help in the smallest of concerns. “So they are no longer two, but one flesh. What therefore God has joined together, let no man separate.” (Matthew 19:6)

Words of love from a husband are like good medicine that brings life to the marriage.

Unconditional respect means we confront their wrongdoings respectfully. We do not become uncivil because they are. Who they fail to be does not determine who we will be.

So I encourage every husband and wife to commit to the Jesus Way of Talking. Instead of allowing the stress of the situation to control you, you can say to yourself, “Because I love the Lord and I know that He rewards every good word, I am going to be truthful even if my spouse is not. I will also be uplifting, forgiving, thankful and scriptural in my speech because my ultimate goal is to please the Lord. Whatever my spouse’s weaknesses or bad habits might be, I will not let them cause me to sin with my lips.”

Assuming goodwill can be revolutionary in relationships.

When a husband feels disrespected, it is especially hard to love his wife. When a wife feels unloved, it is especially hard to respect her husband.

Recognize your different gifts--how each of you (Pink and Blue) functions according to God’s perfect design.

Your husband knows you appreciate his desire to protect and provide when you praise his commitment to provide for you. You empathize when he reveals his male mindset about position, status, or rank at work.

When you look to God and His Word as your ultimate source of significance and security, you don’t demand that your spouse take that role in your life. And as you draw strength from the Lord individually, He draws you closer together as a couple.

You must distinguish between “I can’t” and “I won’t.”

The Crazy Cycle is, indeed “the evil of folly and the foolishness of madness” (Ecclesiastes 7:25)

Through Jesus and Peter, God set forth His standard for living in the unconditional dimension: choose to be loving even when the other person is not; do what is right regardless of the treatment you receive. I believe this standard applies directly to marriage. A husband who speaks lovingly to his disrespectful wife will be rewarded; and a wife who speaks respectfully to her unloving, not-worthy-of-respect husband will be rewarded. Whether you are husband or wife, the reward is what can keep you going in the midst of the craziness: knowing that God commends you, knowing that you have found his favor for your words and actions.

Our trustworthiness rests on our truthfulness.

Mistakes can’t be undone, but they can be forgiven.

Women give a report to build rapport. Men bond through shoulder-to-shoulder activities without talking.

He will feel appreciated when you recognize his problem-solving approach as his male brand of empathy.

A parent needs to feel respected, especially during conflicts...A child need to feel loved, especially during disputes.

Don’t conclude that your spouse is wrong when he/she is seeking to do the right and righteous thing.

Husbands primarily want to hear ‘respect” talk during conflict. Wives primarily want to hear “love” talk during conflict.

Accentuate the positive and eliminate the negative with lots of love and respect in between.

We can communicate the truth in the best of manners, but the person may be so insecure he or she can only react and attack like a wounded bear.

Do you believe that there is a God who really loves you and wants to help you?

I have concluded that those of us in the church who believe we have the Truth are not using the whole truth. A crucial part of God’s Word has been completely ignored, or perhaps simply gone unnoticed, when it has been there right under our noses the whole time! Many Christian spouses know Ephesians 5:33 and can at least paraphrase it. The Apostle Paul tells husbands to love their wives as much as they love themselves, and wives are to respect their husbands. But is anyone really listening? Perhaps the first step to better communication between husband and wife is to hear what God’s Word clearly says. --Emerson

Clarifying is what you do before you step on your mate’s air hose and deflate his or her spirit. For example, you are having a typical conversation, but you can tell there is a misunderstanding. One of you isn’t being clear or isn’t hearing correctly. Then and there you clarify the misunderstanding before your spouse’s spirit deflates. You lovingly or respectfully clarify matters so that your spouse will not feel unloved or disrespected. The reason you take pains to clarify a seemingly small matter is to prevent the situation from becoming a love and respect issue that needs decoding. Clarifying is what you do to stay off the Crazy Cycle and keep positive, energetic feelings flowing between the two of you, to keep yourselves on the Energizing Cycle.

The difference between successful couples and unsuccessful couples is that successful ones keep getting up and dealing with the issues.

When a wife insists that her husband earn her respect, she puts him in a lose-lose situation.

Your marriage is really a tool and a test to deepen and demonstrate your love and reverence for your Lord.

This is the Rewarded Cycle: His love blesses regardless of her respect and her respect blesses regardless of his love.

When you come home after you have been apart, the first few moments of reconnecting will set the tone for the rest of the evening.

Research and experience prove that men and women see and hear differently. Recognizing these differences and adjusting to them is absolutely necessary for reaching mutual understanding and better communication.

Self-interest should never come ahead of your spouse’s interests.

It’s crucial to communicate with the right tone of voice and the right expression on your face.

Clearly, in the marriage, in the family and in the household, when you speak words of blessing, you are speaking to the Lord, and for this you will be rewarded.

One thing to remember in this culture is if we say something complimentary towards one gender, we aren’t saying something against the other.

Don’t label each other as bad because you differ on how you solve your troubles.

Your position in Christ is what counts, not your less-than-perfect performance.

Stay the course regardless of the child’s respect and obedience. This is the Family Rewarded Cycle: a parents love unto Christ regardless of the child.

The parent-child relationship is as easy, and as difficult, as love and respect.

There is a plan to parent God’s way, even when our children may seek to go their own way at time. The secret is to follow this plan regardless. When you do, I believe you succeed in His eyes.

When the wife flatly says her husband will have to earn her respect before she gives him any, she leaves the husband in a lose-lose situation. Now he is responsible for both love and respect in the relationship. He must unconditionally love his wife and earn her respect.

When parents genuinely trust and follow the Lord and His ways, their faith spills over onto the children.

Before hitting send, ask yourself, "Have I listened carefully and understand the exact issue on the table?"

“You can be right, but wrong at the top of your voice.”

As strong and powerful as marriage bonds can become, our deepest dependency must be on the Lord, not another human being.

Being a person who communicates what is true frequently demands tact, and at times it can feel like sidestepping land mines. It takes work to be both truthful and tactful.

A marriage relationship will be energized when couples learn how to motivate each other God’s way.

Marriage is a tool and a test to deepen and demonstrate your love and your reverence for Jesus Christ.