Respectfully Yours - Leader's Guide (Download)

Words of love from a husband are like good medicine that brings life to the marriage.

Your spouse can have a need that you don’t have and that’s okay.

It is crucial for a husband and wife to see that neither one is wrong, but both of them are very different--in body function, outlook and perspective.

Your spouse may meet many of your needs, but your deepest dependency should be on your Lord.

We are either going to give in the darkness or we are going to give into the darkness.

No matter how difficult your spouse may be at the moment, your spouse does not have control over your reaction; you do. You may be experiencing disappointment, frustration or anger, but you always have a choice. A wife can choose to be disrespectful or respectful. A husband can choose to be unloving or loving.

As a wife, if you can start to understand how important your husband’s work is to him, you will take a giant step toward communicating respect and honor, two things that he values even more than your love.

As a husband, if you can grasp that you don’t always have to solve your wife’s problems, you will take a giant step toward showing her empathy and understanding.

He will feel appreciated when you disagree with him only in private and honor his authority in front of the kids.

I have concluded that those of us in the church who believe we have the Truth are not using the whole truth. A crucial part of God’s Word has been completely ignored, or perhaps simply gone unnoticed, when it has been there right under our noses the whole time! Many Christian spouses know Ephesians 5:33 and can at least paraphrase it. The Apostle Paul tells husbands to love their wives as much as they love themselves, and wives are to respect their husbands. But is anyone really listening? Perhaps the first step to better communication between husband and wife is to hear what God’s Word clearly says. --Emerson

Optimism or pessimism? It is always a choice, no matter what your natural temperament.

Mutual understanding, not communication, is the key to a healthy marriage relationship.

Though the end can be worthy (to be loved and respected), when each uses unholy means (unloving and disrespectful words and actions), it will not achieve those ends. We must treat others as we expect them to treat us. To deny this makes us arrogant or fools, or both.

Respect for the husband is just as important as love for the wife.

Thank God for joining you together and for allowing you to trust Him to help you, whatever the issue. God is there for you and expects you to look to Him to keep you together as a team, so ask Him for His help in the smallest of concerns. “So they are no longer two, but one flesh. What therefore God has joined together, let no man separate.” (Matthew 19:6)

Share what God is saying to your heart, not what you think He needs to say to your mate.

A major step toward a happy marriage is accepting differences and working them out with love and respect.

In the ultimate sense you marriage has nothing to do with your spouse. It has everything to do with your relationship with Jesus Christ.

When a wife feels unloved, it can be such a shock to her heart that she is oblivious to her disrespectful reactions toward her husband, though any man watching could see it plainly.

When a wife insists that her husband earn her respect, she puts him in a lose-lose situation.

Knowing my spouse will not be able to love or respect me perfectly, I commit to having a forgiving spirit so that I may never speak hatefully or contemptuously.

We are worth Jesus to the Father.

When there is confusion, I try to refrain from attacking another for not listening carefully (which may not be the case). Instead, I take a run at communicating again, but more clearly.

When you come home after you have been apart, the first few moments of reconnecting will set the tone for the rest of the evening.

The difference between successful couples and unsuccessful couples is that successful ones keep getting up and dealing with the issues.

[Husbands] do you realize the power of just holding your wife’s hand?

Ladies, be careful. “A nagging wife goes on and on like the drip, drip, drip of the rain” (Proverbs 19:13).

When one of you makes a mistake, control any anger you may feel and trust God completely, no matter what happens.

Just because you may feel unloved or disrespected does not mean your spouse is sending that message.

If a husband loves his wife as he should, she will feel honored and respected. If a wife respects her husband as she should, he will feel loved and appreciated. It’s a win-win.

Be a part of the solution, not part of the problem.

You can experience hurt, but it is your choice to hate.

Women give a report to build rapport. Men bond through shoulder-to-shoulder activities without talking.

Research and experience prove that men and women see and hear differently. Recognizing these differences and adjusting to them is absolutely necessary for reaching mutual understanding and better communication.

Could you be facing a crisis in faith more than a crisis in your marriage?

A husband may deserve contempt, but that doesn’t win him any more than harshness and anger wins the heart of a woman.

“You can be right, but wrong at the top of your voice.”

You’re the only person in the world who can meet your spouse’s deepest need for love and respect. After all, you alone are married to your spouse.

A man has a natural, inborn desire to go out and “conquer” the challenges of his world – to work and achieve.

I had often asked God to compensate for my mistakes, but in return had I thought He would give me perfect children?

Focus on the positive in the midst of the negative, and the Energizing Cycle will keep right on humming.

As mature men, we need to take leadership and put this out on the table. We must acknowledge our feelings- we need to feel respected. However, as we do this we must acknowledge our wife’s feelings- she needs to feel loved!

The woman absolutely needs love, and the man absolutely needs respect. It’s as simple- and as difficult- as that.

The Lord made women (Pink) and men (Blue) with differences, and He expects us to recognize and deal with those differences in a loving and respectful way.

When we feel crippling discouragement by the sinful choices and outcomes of our kids, we must not let this permanently deter us from parenting God’s way.

Thank the Lord that in the very beginning He created them male and female – Blue and Pink. Ask Him for patience and ever-growing understanding of how men and women see and hear differently. “He created them male and female, and He blessed them.” (Genesis 5:2)

Holding back your love or respect will just keep the Crazy Cycle spinning away, but being mature and making the first move could slow it down.

We can all have moments of anger, but this does not mean we have to lose control and sin.

Unconditional respect is as powerful to him as unconditional love is to her.

Do you believe that there is a God who really loves you and wants to help you?

Thank God for His forgiveness of your mistakes. In trying to be a loving man or a respectful woman, we blow it. Owning up to mistakes is never easy, but it is always the way to move forward. Take good care not to accuse your spouse of mistakes as you pray. Also, pray about any forgiving to be done in the family, any forgiveness that needs to be asked. Children may need forgiveness (and what about Mom and Dad?). “There is no one on earth who does what is right all the time and never makes a mistake.” (Ecclesiastes 7:20)

[Women], your self-love cannot be derived from your husband’s love. It can affect it, but it does not determine it.

When your wife comes to talk to you, listen to her. Realize she is coming to you because you matter more to her than anyone else. She has certain emotional needs and only you can meet them. Sometimes she may say things that don’t make sense to you and she is apt to misspeak and exaggerate when she is upset, but don’t put her down. Instead, listen to her heart. Give her a chance to express her concerns and, as she does so, don’t try to fix her. Don’t give her your solutions unless she asks for them.

In the ultimate sense, your marriage has nothing to do with your spouse. It has everything to do with your relationship to Jesus Christ.

One thing to remember in this culture is if we say something complimentary towards one gender, we aren’t saying something against the other.

Above all trust God when the “whys” of life threaten to overwhelm you.

His love motivates her respect. Her respect motivates his love.

Clarifying is what you do before you step on your mate’s air hose and deflate his or her spirit. For example, you are having a typical conversation, but you can tell there is a misunderstanding. One of you isn’t being clear or isn’t hearing correctly. Then and there you clarify the misunderstanding before your spouse’s spirit deflates. You lovingly or respectfully clarify matters so that your spouse will not feel unloved or disrespected. The reason you take pains to clarify a seemingly small matter is to prevent the situation from becoming a love and respect issue that needs decoding. Clarifying is what you do to stay off the Crazy Cycle and keep positive, energetic feelings flowing between the two of you, to keep yourselves on the Energizing Cycle.

Getting married reveals, usually sooner than later, an incontestable fact: your spouse cannot possibly meet all your needs and desires

There is a discrepancy between who we want to be and see ourselves to be and how we actually sound in voice and writing. But with self-reflection and honesty, we can turn the corner and improve our communication. We need only evaluate what we are about to communicate.

You can be right but wrong at the top of your voice.

We all need to wrestle with the spiritual truth that God is good. If you don’t believe God is good, you won’t trust His word. If you don’t trust His word, you will find excuses to ignore His commands.

Your spouse has a need that you don’t have. Are you going to say there is something seriously wrong with them or will you say “Viva la Difference”?

When you’re truly Christ-centered, instead of child-centered, you will be a more effective parent in the long run.

Fight like a loving man and a respectful woman. Fight fair.

Marriage is a test of how you unconditionally love and respect your spouse as you obey, honor, and please the Lord.

When you possess a forgiving spirit, words of Love and Respect will flow authentically from your lips- and realize that the Lord Himself is listening to you at moments like these. He knows you are not powerless, but actually full of power that He has granted you.

Your marriage is a test of your devotion to Christ.

Troubles over sex and money do not cause a marriage to go under. The lack of love and respect during conflict cause the marriage to go under.

How we react to a situation reveals more about us than about the other person.

A parent needs to feel respected, especially during conflicts...A child need to feel loved, especially during disputes.

It’s so easy to dismiss our spouse as childish because we don’t have the same vulnerabilities they do.

Love and Respect is a faith venture, not a formula.

Both Judas and Peter denied Jesus Christ, but there is a huge difference between a Judas and a Peter.

This is the Rewarded Cycle: His love blesses regardless of her respect and her respect blesses regardless of his love.

The Crazy Cycle is, indeed “the evil of folly and the foolishness of madness” (Ecclesiastes 7:25)

To build a lasting legacy, use proven wisdom that you glean from the Lord.

We can communicate the truth in the best of manners, but the person may be so insecure he or she can only react and attack like a wounded bear.

If a husband is commanded to agape- love his wife, then she truly needs love.

If we subscribe to the belief that because we are equal we are the same, then we’re going to expect our spouse to respond the way we do.

Your wife feels you are open with her when you discuss financial concerns, possible job changes or ideas for your future.

Assuming goodwill can be revolutionary in relationships.

If husbands and wives are to understand the Love and Respect Connection, they must realize that they communicate in code. And the problem is, they don’t know how to decipher the messages they send to one another.

Avoid like the plague trying to punish each other as a means of “motivation.” Christ-followers instinctively know that this destroys any opportunity to act out of reverence for Christ. In all marital issues, love and reverence for Christ must be our primary motivation.

When a wife asks, “Do you love me?” She is not trying to put her husband on the spot. She is simply looking for reassurance.

Don’t conclude that your spouse is wrong when he/she is seeking to do the right and righteous thing.

If you want your wife to express appreciation for your attempts to be loving, you must use thankful words when she tries to speak or act respectfully.

You have to become proactive, rather than just trying to stop the reactive.

Your position in Christ is what counts, not your less-than-perfect performance.

A woman needs love like she needs air to breathe. A man needs respect like he needs air to breathe.

Can you begin to trust that God feels love for you even when you don’t feel that love?

Your spouse has a need only you can fill.

Your wife will feel esteemed when you speak highly of her in front of others.

Always try to look at your spouse the way Jesus does.

“Living happily ever after” means knowing how to deal with the imperfect parts of life.

Negative actions rarely produce positive results.

Refuse to let evil turn you into a contemptuous and hateful person.

You speak lovingly or respectfully no matter how your spouse may speak to you in return. Your spouse is not the reason--good or bad--why you speak unconditional words of love or respect. God is the reason, and as you depend on Him, you will become increasingly able to speak lovingly and respectfully to your spouse.

Do you give yourself grace and your spouse judgment?

A marriage relationship will be energized when couples learn how to motivate each other God’s way.