Respectfully Yours - Leader's Guide (Download)

Here is the secret to marriage that every couple seeks and yet few find: Unconditional respect is as powerful for him as unconditional love is for her. It’s the secret that will help you achieve a brand new level of intimacy.

Unconditional respect means we confront their wrongdoings respectfully. We do not become uncivil because they are. Who they fail to be does not determine who we will be.

Thank God for His forgiveness of your mistakes. In trying to be a loving man or a respectful woman, we blow it. Owning up to mistakes is never easy, but it is always the way to move forward. Take good care not to accuse your spouse of mistakes as you pray. Also, pray about any forgiving to be done in the family, any forgiveness that needs to be asked. Children may need forgiveness (and what about Mom and Dad?). “There is no one on earth who does what is right all the time and never makes a mistake.” (Ecclesiastes 7:20)

When you look to God and His Word as your ultimate source of significance and security, you don’t demand that your spouse take that role in your life. And as you draw strength from the Lord individually, He draws you closer together as a couple.

When you’re truly Christ-centered, instead of child-centered, you will be a more effective parent in the long run.

You both forgive for one simple but profound reason: because you know Christ has forgiven you!

God is not trying to trick you or mess with you. Trust that He wants to reveal Himself to you just as much as He wants to reveal Himself to the world.

Don’t conclude that your spouse is wrong when he/she is seeking to do the right and righteous thing.

Thank the Lord for all the trouble-free moments in which you and your spouse enjoy Him, each other, your family, your ministry and life as a whole. Ask Him for the strength to accept your measure of trouble, and the wisdom to deal with the annoyances and irritations by loving and respecting each other with new commitment. (You may also want to pray about troubles at work, at church, with the children…) “But those who marry will have trouble in this life” (1 Corinthians 7:28)

Don’t label each other as bad because you differ on how you solve your troubles.

Your position in Christ is what counts, not your less-than-perfect performance.

When a husband chooses to do or say something loving, and that includes saying, ‘I’m sorry for coming across in an unloving way,’ he energizes his wife. When a wife decides to express herself respectfully, and that includes apologizing for her disrespectful attitude, she energizes her husband.

Words of Love or Respect must uplift your spouse, edifying- never manipulating him or her.

When Jesus said “turn the other cheek,” He wasn’t saying to be passive wimps. He was teaching that physically people can control you but if you turn and give the other cheek, suddenly you’re in control and you’re making the choices.

Fight like a loving man and a respectful woman. Fight fair.

Mistakes can’t be undone, but they can be forgiven.

God’s commands are there to help us, not to hinder us or hold us back as male and female.

The key to motivating another person is meeting their deepest need, especially during conflict.

Refuse to let evil turn you into a contemptuous and hateful person.

Christian maturity involves a lot of things, but surely it includes knowing how to process your anger.

Ladies, be careful. “A nagging wife goes on and on like the drip, drip, drip of the rain” (Proverbs 19:13).

Marriage is a tool and a test to allow God’s will to be revealed in our lives.

Your spouse may meet many of your needs, but your deepest dependency should be on your Lord.

When a husband feels disrespected, he has a natural tendency to react in ways that feel unloving to his wife. (Perhaps the command to love was given to him precisely for this reason!) When a wife feels unloved, she has a natural tendency to react in ways that feel disrespectful to her husband. (Perhaps the command to respect was given to her precisely for this reason!)

Unconditional respect, like unconditional love, is all about how one sounds (tone of voice and word choice) and appears (facial expressions and physical actions).

A man has a natural, inborn desire to go out and “conquer” the challenges of his world – to work and achieve.

Respect for the husband is just as important as love for the wife.

Your spouse deserves the truth from you. Do your best to tell it with love and respect.

When a husband chooses to come across lovingly even though he feels disrespected, he can prevent the Crazy Cycle from spinning and possibly getting out of control.

We all need to wrestle with the spiritual truth that God is good. If you don’t believe God is good, you won’t trust His word. If you don’t trust His word, you will find excuses to ignore His commands.

Always see your mate as an ally. Feedback is of little use if you see your spouse as an enemy. Giving and receiving constructive feedback is based on feelings of goodwill in both partners. Both of you need to remember that, even if you don’t always agree and even if you become irritated or angry, you are friends, and neither of you means to hurt the other.

We might say that every negative action in the family has an equal and opposite negative reaction.

Negative actions rarely produce positive results.

Your marriage is a tool and a test to deepen and demonstrate your love and reverence for Jesus Christ. God is using your spouse to bring you an eternal reward.

We easily see what is done to us before we see what we are doing to our mate.

In the ultimate sense, your marriage has nothing to do with your spouse. It has everything to do with your relationship to Jesus Christ.

Words of wisdom for all husbands and wives are these: We easily see what is done to us before we see what we are doing to our mate.

When you look to God and His Word as your ultimate source of significance and security, you don’t demand that your spouse take that role in your life. And as you draw strength from the Lord individually, He draws you closer together as a couple.

God rewards your obedience to love and respect, even if your spouse does not respond!

When you relinquish an offense, you need to send that offense somewhere. So follow Jesus’ example and release it to your heavenly Father.

No matter how difficult your spouse may be at the moment, your spouse does not have control over your reaction; you do. You may be experiencing disappointment, frustration, or anger, but you always have a choice.

A husband may deserve contempt, but that doesn’t win him any more than harshness and anger wins the heart of a woman.

It’s crucial to communicate with the right tone of voice and the right expression on your face.

If you want your husband to express appreciation for your attempts to be respectful, you must speak thankfully when he tries to be loving.

Unconditional respect is as powerful to him as unconditional love is to her.

When a wife asks, “Do you love me?” She is not trying to put her husband on the spot. She is simply looking for reassurance.

Whose voice are you listening to: Hollywood or God’s Holy Word?

To get offended is easy, but to forgive is within your power as you walk in His steps.

When you possess a forgiving spirit, words of Love and Respect will flow authentically from your lips- and realize that the Lord Himself is listening to you at moments like these. He knows you are not powerless, but actually full of power that He has granted you.

Truth will carry its own weight if delivered respectfully and lovingly.

No one can really practice Love and Respect unless he or she does it as unto Jesus Christ.

When you come home after you have been apart, the first few moments of reconnecting will set the tone for the rest of the evening.

Always try to look at your spouse the way Jesus does.

One thing to remember in this culture is if we say something complimentary towards one gender, we aren’t saying something against the other.

Mutual understanding, not communication, is the key to a healthy marriage relationship.

Do you give yourself grace and your spouse judgment?

How we react to a situation reveals more about us than about the other person.

Thank the Lord that in the very beginning He created them male and female – Blue and Pink. Ask Him for patience and ever-growing understanding of how men and women see and hear differently. “He created them male and female, and He blessed them.” (Genesis 5:2)

[Women], your self-love cannot be derived from your husband’s love. It can affect it, but it does not determine it.

When others do not respond to our communication, we need to look first at our communication style. Is the other person incapable of hearing what we have to say? Or are we abrupt, brusque, and curt?

To build a lasting legacy, use proven wisdom that you glean from the Lord.

When we feel crippling discouragement by the sinful choices and outcomes of our kids, we must not let this permanently deter us from parenting God’s way.

We are either going to give in the darkness or we are going to give into the darkness.

Let the Lord change you, but don’t try to change each other.

If you are seeking positive change in your marriage, you will need to make a positive change in your attitude and actions.

Will we decide how we see God based on our circumstances, or will we see our circumstances in light of how we view God?

Self-interest should never come ahead of your spouse’s interests.

You can be right but wrong at the top of your voice.

At the very bottom of things, in every case and in every conversation, you can do your marriage a huge favor by assuming she is seeking to feel loved or he is seeking to feel respected and give your spouse some grace!

Often both spouses have goodwill but are not deciphering each other’s code. She criticizes out of love, but he “hears” only disrespect. He distances himself to prevent feelings from escalating, which is the honorable thing to do, but she “sees” only his failure to be loving!

Do you seek to understand or only to be understood?

Assume goodwill about the person you are in conflict with.

Your spouse can have a need that you don’t have and that’s okay.

It’s hard to realize that we would never act around our business associates the way we act around our spouse.

[Women], as you enter quiet dignity, not preaching at your husband or scolding him as though you were his mother, something happens in his soul as a male.

Thank the Lord for the goodwill each of you has toward the other. Ask Him for strength to give each other the benefit of the doubt during moments when someone’s goodwill seems to be lacking. “He who seeks good finds goodwill, but evil comes to him who searches for it.” (Proverbs 11:27)

Knowing my spouse will not be able to love or respect me perfectly, I commit to having a forgiving spirit so that I may never speak hatefully or contemptuously.

A marriage relationship will be energized when couples learn how to motivate each other God’s way.

Getting married reveals, usually sooner than later, an incontestable fact: your spouse cannot possibly meet all your needs and desires

In your marriage be the first to “seek peace and pursue it” (1 Peter 3:11)

When parents genuinely trust and follow the Lord and His ways, their faith spills over onto the children.

Husbands, even Jesus Himself was asked by a woman, “Do you not care?” (Luke 10:40) When your wife accuses you of not caring, decode her deeper meaning.

Our research shows that couples who pray together are more apt to reap all kinds of benefits, including better and more frequent communication, going on “dates” more frequently and having sex more frequently.

If you want your wife to express appreciation for your attempts to be loving, you must use thankful words when she tries to speak or act respectfully.

You have to become proactive, rather than just trying to stop the reactive.

Be friendly. Be friendly. Be friendly. Watch what happens.

Most marriages will succeed when obeying the command to Love and Respect.

We have different vulnerabilities. We can pass judgment on one another all day long or we can say God made us different and that’s ok.

Money squabbles don’t undermine love and respect; they simply reveal unloving and disrespectful attitudes, which are the real reason why a marriage can start to wobble on the Crazy Cycle.

Your words reveal your heart.

There is a plan to parent God’s way, even when our children may seek to go their own way at time. The secret is to follow this plan regardless. When you do, I believe you succeed in His eyes.

Each of you must focus on what God is calling you to do toward your spouse. Do not focus on what you think God is calling your spouse to do toward you.

Marriage is a test of how you unconditionally love and respect your spouse as you obey, honor, and please the Lord.

A wife has one driving need: to feel loved. When that need is met, she is happy. A husband has one driving need: to feel respected. When that need is met, he is happy. When either of these needs isn’t met, things get crazy with conflict.

A major step toward a happy marriage is accepting differences and working them out with love and respect.

When a wife insists that her husband earn her respect, she puts him in a lose-lose situation.

Focus on the positive in the midst of the negative, and the Energizing Cycle will keep right on humming.

We can communicate the truth in the best of manners, but the person may be so insecure he or she can only react and attack like a wounded bear.

There is power and freedom that comes in understanding that no one can cause you to react in a certain way. It is your choice.

When confronting your spouse, attack the behavior, not the person.