Respectfully Yours - Leader's Guide

When you look to God and His Word as your ultimate source of significance and security, you don’t demand that your spouse take that role in your life. And as you draw strength from the Lord individually, He draws you closer together as a couple.

Clarifying is what you do before you step on your mate’s air hose and deflate his or her spirit. For example, you are having a typical conversation, but you can tell there is a misunderstanding. One of you isn’t being clear or isn’t hearing correctly. Then and there you clarify the misunderstanding before your spouse’s spirit deflates. You lovingly or respectfully clarify matters so that your spouse will not feel unloved or disrespected. The reason you take pains to clarify a seemingly small matter is to prevent the situation from becoming a love and respect issue that needs decoding. Clarifying is what you do to stay off the Crazy Cycle and keep positive, energetic feelings flowing between the two of you, to keep yourselves on the Energizing Cycle.

Positive changes flood a relationship immediately when both husband and wife cancel the blame game!

Your words reveal your heart.

Your marriage is a test of your devotion to Christ.

“Respect is a man’s deepest value. I have had numerous men tell me, ‘I would rather live with a wife who respected me but did not love me than live with a wife who loved me but did not respect me.’ These men are not saying that they are indifferent to love. They know they need love, but they need to feel respected even more than they need to feel loved.“

Husbands primarily want to hear ‘respect” talk during conflict. Wives primarily want to hear “love” talk during conflict.

Be a part of the solution, not part of the problem.

Avoid like the plague trying to punish each other as a means of “motivation.” Christ-followers instinctively know that this destroys any opportunity to act out of reverence for Christ. In all marital issues, love and reverence for Christ must be our primary motivation.

Unconditional respect means we confront their wrongdoings respectfully. We do not become uncivil because they are. Who they fail to be does not determine who we will be.

Negative actions rarely produce positive results.

When you come home after you have been apart, the first few moments of reconnecting will set the tone for the rest of the evening.

Always see your mate as an ally. Feedback is of little use if you see your spouse as an enemy. Giving and receiving constructive feedback is based on feelings of goodwill in both partners. Both of you need to remember that, even if you don’t always agree and even if you become irritated or angry, you are friends, and neither of you means to hurt the other.

A parent needs to feel respected, especially during conflicts...A child need to feel loved, especially during disputes.

Do you bow to the influence of Hollywood or God’s Holy Word?

Thank God for joining you together and for allowing you to trust Him to help you, whatever the issue. God is there for you and expects you to look to Him to keep you together as a team, so ask Him for His help in the smallest of concerns. “So they are no longer two, but one flesh. What therefore God has joined together, let no man separate.” (Matthew 19:6)

It’s so easy to dismiss our spouse as childish because we don’t have the same vulnerabilities they do.

God designed the woman to love. He’s not going to command her to agape her husband when He created her to do that in the first place. God is not into redundancy.

When a husband chooses to come across lovingly even though he feels disrespected, he can prevent the Crazy Cycle from spinning and possibly getting out of control.

Marital researchers agree that a huge percentage of communication problems between husband and wife are due not to what is said but to how it is said – the attitude and tone of voice.

A most significant point of this book is this: If what we think is true, kind, necessary, and clear, we need to have the courage to hit send. This isn’t about refraining from speaking; this is about speaking.

Getting married reveals, usually sooner than later, an incontestable fact: your spouse cannot possibly meet all your needs and desires

Don’t label each other as bad because you differ on how you solve your troubles.

It is hard to be negative while being thankful.

Never give up. If you want to have a strong marriage, you need to accept temporary setbacks as part of the game.

We fool ourselves into thinking the other person causes us to be the way we are. They really don’t! But if we lock into that idea, we become helpless, hopeless victims.

Women give a report to build rapport. Men bond through shoulder-to-shoulder activities without talking.

God is not trying to trick you or mess with you. Trust that He wants to reveal Himself to you just as much as He wants to reveal Himself to the world.

You have two ears and one mouth; use them proportionately.

Money squabbles don’t undermine love and respect; they simply reveal unloving and disrespectful attitudes, which are the real reason why a marriage can start to wobble on the Crazy Cycle.

Love and Respect is a faith venture, not a formula.

At the very bottom of things, in every case and in every conversation, you can do your marriage a huge favor by assuming she is seeking to feel loved or he is seeking to feel respected and give your spouse some grace!

You both forgive for one simple but profound reason: because you know Christ has forgiven you!

Respect for the husband is just as important as love for the wife.

The Crazy Cycle is, indeed “the evil of folly and the foolishness of madness” (Ecclesiastes 7:25)

We all need to wrestle with the spiritual truth that God is good. If you don’t believe God is good, you won’t trust His word. If you don’t trust His word, you will find excuses to ignore His commands.

When you love or respect unconditionally regardless of the outcome, you are following God and His will for you.

In the ultimate sense you marriage has nothing to do with your spouse. It has everything to do with your relationship with Jesus Christ.

When a wife feels unloved, it can be such a shock to her heart that she is oblivious to her disrespectful reactions toward her husband, though any man watching could see it plainly.

Optimism or pessimism? It is always a choice, no matter what your natural temperament.

Being friendly to her man is one of the most effective things a woman can do to strengthen her marriage.

We send each other messages in “code” based on gender, even though we don’t intend to. What I say is not what you hear, and what you think you heard is not what I meant at all.

Thank the Lord for the goodwill each of you has toward the other. Ask Him for strength to give each other the benefit of the doubt during moments when someone’s goodwill seems to be lacking. “He who seeks good finds goodwill, but evil comes to him who searches for it.” (Proverbs 11:27)

Your marriage is really a tool and a test to deepen and demonstrate your love and reverence for your Lord.

A woman needs love like she needs air to breathe. A man needs respect like he needs air to breathe.

Do not live by the standards of Hollywood; trust what God says in His Holy Word.

We have discovered that as women motivate their man God’s way, men are energized to love them better. It doesn’t matter if your marriage is good or seems like there is no hope. We have seen God move in powerful ways even when things looked hopeless.

Accentuate the positive and eliminate the negative with lots of love and respect in between.

A wife has one driving need--to feel loved. When that need is met she is happy. A husband has one driving need--to feel respected. When that need is met he is happy. When either of these needs isn’t met, things get crazy. Love and Respect reveals why spouses react negatively to each other, and how they can deal with such conflict quickly, easily and biblically.

A man has a natural, inborn desire to go out and “conquer” the challenges of his world – to work and achieve.

Whether visiting a prison, feeding the hungry, giving the thirsty a drink or speaking a word of love or respect, everything is to be done to and for Christ.

When you play the blame game your marriage never wins.

Your spouse may meet many of your needs, but your deepest dependency should be on your Lord.

Before hitting send, ask yourself, "Have I listened carefully and understand the exact issue on the table?"

Since it is easy to focus on the negative, focus on your mate’s good qualities and express thanks with positive words of Love or Respect.

When you look to God and His Word as your ultimate source of significance and security, you don’t demand that your spouse take that role in your life. And as you draw strength from the Lord individually, He draws you closer together as a couple.

The moment we cry to Him for help, He is already pleased. He gives us strength to love our children.

With a better understanding of God’s promises, you will be on your way to a renewed mind and a changed life.

When you possess a forgiving spirit, words of Love and Respect will flow authentically from your lips- and realize that the Lord Himself is listening to you at moments like these. He knows you are not powerless, but actually full of power that He has granted you.

When one of you makes a mistake, control any anger you may feel and trust God completely, no matter what happens.

When others do not respond to our communication, we need to look first at our communication style. Is the other person incapable of hearing what we have to say? Or are we abrupt, brusque, and curt?

Mutual understanding, not communication, is the key to a healthy marriage relationship.

Every marriage includes trouble some of the time. Do not let the 20% leaven all the rest.

You can experience hurt, but it is your choice to hate.

Each of you must focus on what God is calling you to do toward your spouse. Do not focus on what you think God is calling your spouse to do toward you.

Ladies, be careful. “A nagging wife goes on and on like the drip, drip, drip of the rain” (Proverbs 19:13).

Your spouse has a need only you can fill.

The key to motivating another person is meeting their deepest need, especially during conflict.

A husband may deserve contempt, but that doesn’t win him any more than harshness and anger wins the heart of a woman.

Husbands, to energize your wife give her face-to-face time, allowing her to talk and share her feelings.

Words of Love and Respect must include thankfulness spoken to or about your spouse; don’t fixate on weaknesses and faults.

Husbands, even Jesus Himself was asked by a woman, “Do you not care?” (Luke 10:40) When your wife accuses you of not caring, decode her deeper meaning.

Unconditional respect, like unconditional love, is all about how one sounds (tone of voice and word choice) and appears (facial expressions and physical actions).

His love motivates her respect. Her respect motivates his love.

Be quick to listen and understand and you have a much better chance of being understood.

As mature men, we need to take leadership and put this out on the table. We must acknowledge our feelings- we need to feel respected. However, as we do this we must acknowledge our wife’s feelings- she needs to feel loved!

It’s crucial to communicate with the right tone of voice and the right expression on your face.

One thing to remember in this culture is if we say something complimentary towards one gender, we aren’t saying something against the other.

Christian maturity involves a lot of things, but surely it includes knowing how to process your anger.

She’ll feel at peace with you when you let her vent your frustrations and hurts and don’t get angry and close her off.

Clearly, in the marriage, in the family and in the household, when you speak words of blessing, you are speaking to the Lord, and for this you will be rewarded.

[Husbands] as the church places her burdens on Christ, so a woman needs to place her burdens on her husband. When she shares with you, don’t assume she is asking you to solve the problem. Ask your wife, “Do you want a solution or a listening ear?”

Our research shows that couples who pray together are more apt to reap all kinds of benefits, including better and more frequent communication, going on “dates” more frequently and having sex more frequently.

Life is too short to fuss and fret over trivial irritations.

[Husbands] the most powerful weapons you have are your ears. Just listen to your wife, and she is much more likely to feel understood.

No matter what your struggle- criticism, constant conflict, sex, money, parenting, harsh words- learning to communicate the Love and Respect way can help you make crucial changes and build the kind of relationship that God blesses.

When parents genuinely trust and follow the Lord and His ways, their faith spills over onto the children.

God is good and wants what is best for us.

No matter how difficult your spouse may be at the moment, your spouse does not have control over your reaction; you do. You may be experiencing disappointment, frustration or anger, but you always have a choice. A wife can choose to be disrespectful or respectful. A husband can choose to be unloving or loving.

Trust God when the “why’s” of life threaten to overwhelm you.

He will feel appreciated when you recognize his problem-solving approach as his male brand of empathy.

Marriage is a tool and a test to allow God’s will to be revealed in our lives.

You can be right in the argument, but wrong in your approach.

He will feel appreciated when you disagree with him only in private and honor his authority in front of the kids.

Though the end can be worthy (to be loved and respected), when each uses unholy means (unloving and disrespectful words and actions), it will not achieve those ends. We must treat others as we expect them to treat us. To deny this makes us arrogant or fools, or both.

Unconditional respect is as powerful to him as unconditional love is to her.

When we feel crippling discouragement by the sinful choices and outcomes of our kids, we must not let this permanently deter us from parenting God’s way.

To build a lasting legacy, use proven wisdom that you glean from the Lord.

Here is the secret to marriage that every couple seeks and yet few find: Unconditional respect is as powerful for him as unconditional love is for her. It’s the secret that will help you achieve a brand new level of intimacy.

Although the Crazy Cycle is not what God intends for any marriage, all couples get on it at times from one degree to another.