Respectfully Yours - Leader's Guide

Words of wisdom for all husbands and wives are these: We easily see what is done to us before we see what we are doing to our mate.

We might say that every negative action in the family has an equal and opposite negative reaction.

So I encourage every husband and wife to commit to the Jesus Way of Talking. Instead of allowing the stress of the situation to control you, you can say to yourself, “Because I love the Lord and I know that He rewards every good word, I am going to be truthful even if my spouse is not. I will also be uplifting, forgiving, thankful and scriptural in my speech because my ultimate goal is to please the Lord. Whatever my spouse’s weaknesses or bad habits might be, I will not let them cause me to sin with my lips.”

You have to become proactive, rather than just trying to stop the reactive.

Your position in Christ is what counts, not your less-than-perfect performance.

The key to motivating another person is meeting their deepest need, especially during conflict.

The Lord made women (Pink) and men (Blue) with differences, and He expects us to recognize and deal with those differences in a loving and respectful way.

[Husbands] as the church places her burdens on Christ, so a woman needs to place her burdens on her husband. When she shares with you, don’t assume she is asking you to solve the problem. Ask your wife, “Do you want a solution or a listening ear?”

Parenting is a faith venture. As we parent “unto Christ” we reap God’s reward, “knowing that whatever good anyone does, he will receive the same from the Lord” (Eph. 6:8 NKJV)

Your husband knows you appreciate his desire to protect and provide when you praise his commitment to provide for you. You empathize when he reveals his male mindset about position, status, or rank at work.

The mature one in the marriage seldom moves second.

Your marriage is really a tool and a test to deepen and demonstrate your love and reverence for your Lord.

God is not pink. God is not blue. God is purple. When two become one, they have the potential of displaying God’s attributes and character.

Just because you’re offended doesn’t mean the other person is offensive.

I often stress that one of the greatest rewards any persevering spouse can have is being a good example and influence on the children in the family.

Do you bow to the influence of Hollywood or God’s Holy Word?

His love blesses regardless of her respect; her respect blesses regardless of his love.

In the ultimate sense you marriage has nothing to do with your spouse. It has everything to do with your relationship with Jesus Christ.

Will we decide how we see God based on our circumstances, or will we see our circumstances in light of how we view God?

Do you seek to understand or only to be understood?

Optimism or pessimism? It is always a choice, no matter what your natural temperament.

Be quick to listen and understand and you have a much better chance of being understood.

We can communicate the truth in the best of manners, but the person may be so insecure he or she can only react and attack like a wounded bear.

He will feel appreciated when you disagree with him only in private and honor his authority in front of the kids.

Often both spouses have goodwill but are not deciphering each other’s code. She criticizes out of love, but he “hears” only disrespect. He distances himself to prevent feelings from escalating, which is the honorable thing to do, but she “sees” only his failure to be loving!

Can you begin to trust that God feels love for you even when you don’t feel that love?

Thank the Lord for the goodwill each of you has toward the other. Ask Him for strength to give each other the benefit of the doubt during moments when someone’s goodwill seems to be lacking. “He who seeks good finds goodwill, but evil comes to him who searches for it.” (Proverbs 11:27)

Stay the course regardless of the child’s respect and obedience. This is the Family Rewarded Cycle: a parents love unto Christ regardless of the child.

It is crucial for a husband and wife to see that neither one is wrong, but both of them are very different--in body function, outlook and perspective.

Your spouse has a need that you don’t have. Are you going to say there is something seriously wrong with them or will you say “Viva la Difference”?

Marital researchers agree that a huge percentage of communication problems between husband and wife are due not to what is said but to how it is said – the attitude and tone of voice.

Assume goodwill about the person you are in conflict with.

Be a part of the solution, not part of the problem.

Don’t pressure yourself with perfection. We are going to fail. A righteous man falls 7 times but gets back up.

His love motivates her respect. Her respect motivates his love.

Could you be facing a crisis in faith more than a crisis in your marriage?

It’s crucial to communicate with the right tone of voice and the right expression on your face.

Words of love from a husband are like good medicine that brings life to the marriage.

Always try to look at your spouse the way Jesus does.

Thank the Lord that in the very beginning He created them male and female – Blue and Pink. Ask Him for patience and ever-growing understanding of how men and women see and hear differently. “He created them male and female, and He blessed them.” (Genesis 5:2)

God’s commands are there to help us, not to hinder us or hold us back as male and female.

We have to step back as Christ followers and ask, “Do I have false expectations that my relationship should be romantic 99% of the time?”

Life is too short to fuss and fret over trivial irritations.

A strong woman of dignity puts on respect out of her love and reverence for Jesus Christ. She trusts that His word not only protects and empowers her, but also rewards her with incomprehensible eternal blessings.

The more we are upset at something, the wiser it is to let twenty-four hours pass before responding.

You must “ask God from the wealth of his glory to give you power through his Spirit to be strong in your inner selves.”

Whether visiting a prison, feeding the hungry, giving the thirsty a drink or speaking a word of love or respect, everything is to be done to and for Christ.

Unconditional respect means we confront their wrongdoings respectfully. We do not become uncivil because they are. Who they fail to be does not determine who we will be.

Troubles over sex and money do not cause a marriage to go under. The lack of love and respect during conflict cause the marriage to go under.

To build a lasting legacy, use proven wisdom that you glean from the Lord.

We all need love and respect equally. But, during conflict our felt needs are as different as pink is from blue.

Don’t label each other as bad because you differ on how you solve your troubles.

Avoid like the plague trying to punish each other as a means of “motivation.” Christ-followers instinctively know that this destroys any opportunity to act out of reverence for Christ. In all marital issues, love and reverence for Christ must be our primary motivation.

If you want your husband to express appreciation for your attempts to be respectful, you must speak thankfully when he tries to be loving.

Marriage is a test of how you unconditionally love and respect your spouse as you obey, honor, and please the Lord.

There is a plan to parent God’s way, even when our children may seek to go their own way at time. The secret is to follow this plan regardless. When you do, I believe you succeed in His eyes.

When parents genuinely trust and follow the Lord and His ways, their faith spills over onto the children.

To not forgive is to shoot yourself in the foot and put extra gas in the Crazy Cycle.

“You can be right, but wrong at the top of your voice.”

Our research shows that couples who pray together are more apt to reap all kinds of benefits, including better and more frequent communication, going on “dates” more frequently and having sex more frequently.

He will feel appreciated when you recognize his problem-solving approach as his male brand of empathy.

We send each other messages in “code” based on gender, even though we don’t intend to. What I say is not what you hear, and what you think you heard is not what I meant at all.

When Jesus said “turn the other cheek,” He wasn’t saying to be passive wimps. He was teaching that physically people can control you but if you turn and give the other cheek, suddenly you’re in control and you’re making the choices.

If you are seeking positive change in your marriage, you will need to make a positive change in your attitude and actions.

Words of Love and Respect must include thankfulness spoken to or about your spouse; don’t fixate on weaknesses and faults.

Do you give yourself grace and your spouse judgment?

It is so easy to draw wrong conclusions about a spouse’s character and motives due to an occasional flare-up or silly comment.

Your hunger for God can create an appetite in your children.

Mistakes can’t be undone, but they can be forgiven.

A marriage relationship will be energized when couples learn how to motivate each other God’s way.

When you play the blame game your marriage never wins.

Refuse to let evil turn you into a contemptuous and hateful person.

“With eyes of faith, envision Jesus standing just beyond the shoulder of your spouse and listening to every word you speak in every conversation, pleasant or tense. When you speak lovingly or respectfully to your spouse, you are speaking to Christ. Your spouse just happens to be there too.” This truth has sanctified the lips of many. Instead of giving their spouse a verbal whipping or choking on the idea of saying anything positive, now some spouses are motivated to speak words of unconditional love or respect.

You may believe that the careless, unloving or disrespectful words you speak are because your spouse is causing you to speak this way, but Jesus says that it is coming out of your heart.

When evil comes at you, you’re the one who makes the choice of whether or not it is going to go into you.

A wife has one driving need: to feel loved. When that need is met, she is happy. A husband has one driving need: to feel respected. When that need is met, he is happy. When either of these needs isn’t met, things get crazy with conflict.

If a husband chooses to be a peacemaker--taking the needs and concerns of his wife totally into account during any kind of argument or conflict--his wife will be motivated in turn to respond to his authority during stalemates.

Money squabbles don’t undermine love and respect; they simply reveal unloving and disrespectful attitudes, which are the real reason why a marriage can start to wobble on the Crazy Cycle.

Unconditional love or respect is never wasted. Hang onto this promise: “Let us not lose heart in doing good, for in due time we will reap if we do not grow weary” (Galatians 6:9).

The Crazy Cycle is, indeed, “the evil of folly and the foolishness of madness” (Ecclesiastes 7:25).

When one of you makes a mistake, control any anger you may feel and trust God completely, no matter what happens.

Don’t conclude that your spouse is wrong when he/she is seeking to do the right and righteous thing.

God rewards your obedience to love and respect, even if your spouse does not respond!

When sorting out how to slow down the Crazy Cycle, it helps to remember that men are commanded to love because they don’t love naturally, and on the other side, women are commanded to respect because they don’t respect naturally.

Recognize your different gifts--how each of you (Pink and Blue) functions according to God’s perfect design.

A woman needs love like she needs air to breathe. A man needs respect like he needs air to breathe.

It’s hard to realize that we would never act around our business associates the way we act around our spouse.

We all need to wrestle with the spiritual truth that God is good. If you don’t believe God is good, you won’t trust His word. If you don’t trust His word, you will find excuses to ignore His commands.

Do you understand that God feels compassion for you, no matter what you have done or what your circumstances may be?

You’re the only person in the world who can meet your spouse’s deepest need for love and respect. After all, you alone are married to your spouse.

A man has a natural, inborn desire to go out and “conquer” the challenges of his world – to work and achieve.

To stay the course in speaking words of Love and Respect, keep your heart in Scripture, trusting in and talking about His promises to help you.

A parent needs to feel respected, especially during conflicts...A child need to feel loved, especially during disputes.

Thank God for His forgiveness of your mistakes. In trying to be a loving man or a respectful woman, we blow it. Owning up to mistakes is never easy, but it is always the way to move forward. Take good care not to accuse your spouse of mistakes as you pray. Also, pray about any forgiving to be done in the family, any forgiveness that needs to be asked. Children may need forgiveness (and what about Mom and Dad?). “There is no one on earth who does what is right all the time and never makes a mistake.” (Ecclesiastes 7:20)

I have concluded that those of us in the church who believe we have the Truth are not using the whole truth. A crucial part of God’s Word has been completely ignored, or perhaps simply gone unnoticed, when it has been there right under our noses the whole time! Many Christian spouses know Ephesians 5:33 and can at least paraphrase it. The Apostle Paul tells husbands to love their wives as much as they love themselves, and wives are to respect their husbands. But is anyone really listening? Perhaps the first step to better communication between husband and wife is to hear what God’s Word clearly says. --Emerson

Trust God when the “why’s” of life threaten to overwhelm you.

Women give a report to build rapport. Men bond through shoulder-to-shoulder activities without talking.

We are either going to give in the darkness or we are going to give into the darkness.

In the ultimate sense, your marriage has nothing to do with your spouse. It has everything to do with your relationship to Jesus Christ.

As a wife, if you can start to understand how important your husband’s work is to him, you will take a giant step toward communicating respect and honor, two things that he values even more than your love.