Respectfully Yours - Leader's Guide

No matter how difficult your spouse may be at the moment, your spouse does not have control over your reaction; you do. You may be experiencing disappointment, frustration or anger, but you always have a choice. A wife can choose to be disrespectful or respectful. A husband can choose to be unloving or loving.

As strong and powerful as marriage bonds can become, our deepest dependency must be on the Lord, not another human being.

We fool ourselves into thinking the other person causes us to be the way we are. They really don’t! But if we lock into that idea, we become helpless, hopeless victims.

Fight like a loving man and a respectful woman. Fight fair.

Your position in Christ is what counts, not your less-than-perfect performance.

Men are solution oriented, they love to solve problems. They want to be helpful.

Let the Lord change you, but don’t try to change each other.

It’s true that women have intuition and that men should listen to them. It’s also true that women have blind spots and need the insight of their husbands.

We can all have moments of anger, but this does not mean we have to lose control and sin.

Trust God when the “why’s” of life threaten to overwhelm you.

A man has a natural, inborn desire to go out and “conquer” the challenges of his world – to work and achieve.

Your spouse can affect you, but your spouse does not control you.

When a husband chooses to do or say something loving, and that includes saying, ‘I’m sorry for coming across in an unloving way,’ he energizes his wife. When a wife decides to express herself respectfully, and that includes apologizing for her disrespectful attitude, she energizes her husband.

“You can be right, but wrong at the top of your voice.”

We all need to wrestle with the spiritual truth that God is good. If you don’t believe God is good, you won’t trust His word. If you don’t trust His word, you will find excuses to ignore His commands.

Marital researchers agree that a huge percentage of communication problems between husband and wife are due not to what is said but to how it is said – the attitude and tone of voice.

Unconditional respect means we confront their wrongdoings respectfully. We do not become uncivil because they are. Who they fail to be does not determine who we will be.

In your marriage be the first to “seek peace and pursue it” (1 Peter 3:11)

Don’t conclude that your spouse is wrong when he/she is seeking to do the right and righteous thing.

When you come home after you have been apart, the first few moments of reconnecting will set the tone for the rest of the evening.

One thing to remember in this culture is if we say something complimentary towards one gender, we aren’t saying something against the other.

Accentuate the positive and eliminate the negative with lots of love and respect in between.

Unconditional respect, like unconditional love, is all about how one sounds (tone of voice and word choice) and appears (facial expressions and physical actions).

Thank the Lord for the goodwill each of you has toward the other. Ask Him for strength to give each other the benefit of the doubt during moments when someone’s goodwill seems to be lacking. “He who seeks good finds goodwill, but evil comes to him who searches for it.” (Proverbs 11:27)

Always remember that Pink and Blue have different wiring, different preferences. Assume your spouse has goodwill toward you, no matter what. Both of you can be right, while being different.

Being a person who communicates what is true frequently demands tact, and at times it can feel like sidestepping land mines. It takes work to be both truthful and tactful.

Mistakes can’t be undone, but they can be forgiven.

Will we decide how we see God based on our circumstances, or will we see our circumstances in light of how we view God?

Your hunger for God can create an appetite in your children.

Be friendly. Be friendly. Be friendly. Watch what happens.

Research and experience prove that men and women see and hear differently. Recognizing these differences and adjusting to them is absolutely necessary for reaching mutual understanding and better communication.

Your words reveal your heart.

This is the Rewarded Cycle: His love blesses regardless of her respect and her respect blesses regardless of his love.

The difference between successful couples and unsuccessful couples is that successful ones keep getting up and dealing with the issues.

Wives, you never know: The way you handle this [conflict] might bring your husband not only back to you, but to God. Husbands, you never know: The way you handle this [conflict] might bring your wife not only back to you, but to God. (1 Corinthians 7:16)

Refuse to let evil turn you into a contemptuous and hateful person.

Thank the Lord that in the very beginning He created them male and female – Blue and Pink. Ask Him for patience and ever-growing understanding of how men and women see and hear differently. “He created them male and female, and He blessed them.” (Genesis 5:2)

Accidental sparks (unwise remarks) ignite and fuel a fire, and vroom goes the Crazy Cycle.

A marriage relationship will be energized when couples learn how to motivate each other God’s way.

You can experience hurt, but it is your choice to hate.

Through Jesus and Peter, God set forth His standard for living in the unconditional dimension: choose to be loving even when the other person is not; do what is right regardless of the treatment you receive. I believe this standard applies directly to marriage. A husband who speaks lovingly to his disrespectful wife will be rewarded; and a wife who speaks respectfully to her unloving, not-worthy-of-respect husband will be rewarded. Whether you are husband or wife, the reward is what can keep you going in the midst of the craziness: knowing that God commends you, knowing that you have found his favor for your words and actions.

When others do not respond to our communication, we need to look first at our communication style. Is the other person incapable of hearing what we have to say? Or are we abrupt, brusque, and curt?

When we feel crippling discouragement by the sinful choices and outcomes of our kids, we must not let this permanently deter us from parenting God’s way.

When you relinquish an offense, you need to send that offense somewhere. So follow Jesus’ example and release it to your heavenly Father.

When you play the blame game your marriage never wins.

Above all trust God when the “whys” of life threaten to overwhelm you.

The Love and Respect message is not about a husband earning his wife’s respect by being more loving any more than it is about a wife earning her husband’s love by being more respectful. Always love or respect is given unconditionally according to God’s commands.

No matter how difficult your spouse may be at the moment, your spouse does not have control over your reaction; you do. You may be experiencing disappointment, frustration, or anger, but you always have a choice.

As a wife, if you can start to understand how important your husband’s work is to him, you will take a giant step toward communicating respect and honor, two things that he values even more than your love.

We must bring our identity in Christ to our parenting—we must not derive our identity from our children.

Thank the Lord for all the trouble-free moments in which you and your spouse enjoy Him, each other, your family, your ministry and life as a whole. Ask Him for the strength to accept your measure of trouble, and the wisdom to deal with the annoyances and irritations by loving and respecting each other with new commitment. (You may also want to pray about troubles at work, at church, with the children…) “But those who marry will have trouble in this life” (1 Corinthians 7:28)

He will feel appreciated when you disagree with him only in private and honor his authority in front of the kids.

As you pray together, you will truly learn to love and respect together.

In the ultimate sense you marriage has nothing to do with your spouse. It has everything to do with your relationship with Jesus Christ.

To get offended is easy, but to forgive is within your power as you walk in His steps.

Women give a report to build rapport. Men bond through shoulder-to-shoulder activities without talking.

God designed the woman to love. He’s not going to command her to agape her husband when He created her to do that in the first place. God is not into redundancy.

Before hitting send, ask yourself, "Have I listened carefully and understand the exact issue on the table?"

Mutual understanding, not communication, is the key to a healthy marriage relationship.

Clearly, in the marriage, in the family and in the household, when you speak words of blessing, you are speaking to the Lord, and for this you will be rewarded.

When your wife comes to talk to you, listen to her. Realize she is coming to you because you matter more to her than anyone else. She has certain emotional needs and only you can meet them. Sometimes she may say things that don’t make sense to you and she is apt to misspeak and exaggerate when she is upset, but don’t put her down. Instead, listen to her heart. Give her a chance to express her concerns and, as she does so, don’t try to fix her. Don’t give her your solutions unless she asks for them.

As a husband, if you can grasp that you don’t always have to solve your wife’s problems, you will take a giant step toward showing her empathy and understanding.

Could you be facing a crisis in faith more than a crisis in your marriage?

Be a part of the solution, not part of the problem.

No matter what your struggle- criticism, constant conflict, sex, money, parenting, harsh words- learning to communicate the Love and Respect way can help you make crucial changes and build the kind of relationship that God blesses.

You must “ask God from the wealth of his glory to give you power through his Spirit to be strong in your inner selves.”

Focus on the positive in the midst of the negative, and the Energizing Cycle will keep right on humming.

We all need love and respect equally. But, during conflict our felt needs are as different as pink is from blue.

Do not live by the standards of Hollywood; trust what God says in His Holy Word.

Mutual submission is the only way to live fairly together with mutual authority.

Husbands primarily want to hear ‘respect” talk during conflict. Wives primarily want to hear “love” talk during conflict.

When a husband chooses to come across lovingly even though he feels disrespected, he can prevent the Crazy Cycle from spinning and possibly getting out of control.

Troubles over sex and money do not cause a marriage to go under. The lack of love and respect during conflict cause the marriage to go under.

Our research shows that couples who pray together are more apt to reap all kinds of benefits, including better and more frequent communication, going on “dates” more frequently and having sex more frequently.

You can be right but wrong at the top of your voice.

“Respect is a man’s deepest value. I have had numerous men tell me, ‘I would rather live with a wife who respected me but did not love me than live with a wife who loved me but did not respect me.’ These men are not saying that they are indifferent to love. They know they need love, but they need to feel respected even more than they need to feel loved.“

In the ultimate sense, your marriage has nothing to do with your spouse. It has everything to do with your relationship to Jesus Christ.

When parents genuinely trust and follow the Lord and His ways, their faith spills over onto the children.

The Crazy Cycle is, indeed “the evil of folly and the foolishness of madness” (Ecclesiastes 7:25)

Assume goodwill about the person you are in conflict with.

When confronting your spouse, attack the behavior, not the person.

When a husband feels disrespected, it is especially hard to love his wife. When a wife feels unloved, it is especially hard to respect her husband.

Although the Crazy Cycle is not what God intends for any marriage, all couples get on it at times from one degree to another.

Every marriage includes trouble some of the time. Do not let the 20% leaven all the rest.

“Living happily ever after” means knowing how to deal with the imperfect parts of life.

Thank God for joining you together and for allowing you to trust Him to help you, whatever the issue. God is there for you and expects you to look to Him to keep you together as a team, so ask Him for His help in the smallest of concerns. “So they are no longer two, but one flesh. What therefore God has joined together, let no man separate.” (Matthew 19:6)

There is power and freedom that comes in understanding that no one can cause you to react in a certain way. It is your choice.

When a wife asks, “Do you love me?” She is not trying to put her husband on the spot. She is simply looking for reassurance.

You have two ears and one mouth; use them proportionately.

No one can really practice Love and Respect unless he or she does it as unto Jesus Christ.

Unconditional respect is as powerful to him as unconditional love is to her.

A parent needs to feel respected, especially during conflicts...A child need to feel loved, especially during disputes.

The more we are upset at something, the wiser it is to let twenty-four hours pass before responding.

Assuming goodwill can be revolutionary in relationships.

When there is confusion, I try to refrain from attacking another for not listening carefully (which may not be the case). Instead, I take a run at communicating again, but more clearly.

When Jesus said “turn the other cheek,” He wasn’t saying to be passive wimps. He was teaching that physically people can control you but if you turn and give the other cheek, suddenly you’re in control and you’re making the choices.

Optimism or pessimism? It is always a choice, no matter what your natural temperament.

You both forgive for one simple but profound reason: because you know Christ has forgiven you!

We might say that every negative action in the family has an equal and opposite negative reaction.

Do you understand that God feels compassion for you, no matter what you have done or what your circumstances may be?