Respectfully Yours - Leader's Guide

This thorough, step-by-step, Leader’s Guide makes it easy to lead the Respectfully Yours DVD Women’s Study! The Guide includes the member’s Study Guide content so that Leaders only need this combined guide to lead the DVD study (or streaming version). Each session contains extra notes specifically for Leaders, to guide them in leading this study most effectively.

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Respectfully Yours

Session Overviews

Dr. Emerson Eggerichs delves into the realm of male-female communication, shedding light on the profound understanding that we are not inherently wrong, but rather beautifully distinct. Drawing from the truth that we are both made in the image of God, he emphasizes the notion of equality within our differences. God intentionally crafted men and women to be equal yet unique. Within the intricate tapestry of relationships, both genders yearn for love and respect. However, during times of conflict, Emerson reveals a crucial insight: men's deepest need is rooted in the desire for respect, while women's deepest need finds its foundation in the longing for love. By embracing this understanding, we can navigate the intricacies of communication and foster a deeper sense of connection and harmony in our relationships.

"The Crazy Cycle" is a profound concept introduced by Emerson Eggerichs that unveils a common pattern in relationships where love and respect are lacking. It illustrates the dynamic that when a woman feels unloved, she often responds without showing respect to her partner, and vice versa. This creates a continuous cycle of negative reactions that further perpetuates the conflict. In his teachings, Emerson provides valuable insights on understanding the dynamics of the Crazy Cycle—what it entails, how it arises, and, most importantly, how to break free from its destructive loop. He challenges individuals to cultivate a gentle and quiet spirit, emphasizing its transformative power in halting the Crazy Cycle and fostering healthier interactions. By embracing this approach, couples can find a path towards resolving conflicts, building mutual respect, and nurturing a more loving and harmonious relationship.

At the core of our faith lies the understanding that God is a loving Father, whose commands are not intended to inflict harm upon us, but rather to guide and protect us. As a good and trustworthy God, His instructions are given with our best interests in mind. It is through this lens that we can approach His commandments, knowing that they are not burdensome impositions, but rather pathways to abundant life. In seeking a deeper revelation of God as our heavenly Father, we open ourselves up to a transformative understanding of His character and intentions towards us. As we come to know Him more intimately, we realize that His heart desires what is truly best for us. This revelation instills within us a deep trust, enabling us to surrender our worries and concerns, knowing that He will faithfully take care of us. With this newfound understanding and trust, we can embrace a life filled with hope, security, and the assurance that our heavenly Father is always working for our good.

When we place our faith in Jesus Christ, a remarkable transformation takes place within us. We are no longer defined by our past or our shortcomings, but rather we become a new creation, intimately connected to God's Kingdom. In this newfound identity, we discover that we are royalty, heirs to the promises and blessings of God. This realization goes beyond the assurance of eternal fellowship with God and the hope of entering heaven, although those are significant blessings in themselves. We also gain a new sense of identity, recognizing our inherent worth and value in the eyes of God.

With this understanding, we are empowered to embrace our true identity as women of dignity. As we recognize our worth to God, we can extend that same unconditional respect to our husbands. It is through this lens that we can honor and value our spouses, seeing them as fellow creations of God and treating them with the dignity and respect they deserve. This shift in perspective allows us to engage in relationships with a newfound grace and humility, fostering an atmosphere of love, respect, and mutual honor.

Getting in tune with our thoughts enables us to take them captive in obedience to Christ, renewing our minds as we focus on the Truth in God's Word. Through this intentional process, we learn how to maintain respect in the midst of unloving actions, dealing with negative thoughts that lead to negative feelings, and replacing them with the power of Scripture. As we immerse ourselves in God's Word, our minds are transformed, aligning our attitudes and actions with the character of Christ. This journey of renewing our minds leads to true freedom, breaking free from the chains of negativity and experiencing the profound liberation, peace, and joy that comes from aligning our thoughts with God's truth in Christ.

Showing respect to your husband is a simple yet powerful endeavor that can significantly impact your relationship. By being friendly, conscious of your facial expressions and tone of voice, and avoiding contempt, you can motivate and inspire your man. Embracing a positive, respectful approach not only changes the atmosphere in your home but also creates a harmonious and loving environment. Through practical examples and behaviors like active listening and affirming his efforts, you can demonstrate respect and make a tangible difference in your relationship. Remember, showing respect does not mean sacrificing your own needs or boundaries but rather recognizing the value and worth of your husband as an equal partner. By nurturing mutual respect and understanding, you can cultivate a relationship built on love and create a home filled with harmony and joy.

Respectfully Yours

Leader's Guide

The Secret to Power and Influence in Your Marriage!

Ephesians 5:33 holds a timeless truth that has been right in front of us for almost 2000 years: husbands are called to love their wives, while wives are called to respect their husbands. As women across the nation become acquainted with the Love and Respect message, they often seek guidance on understanding and practicing respect in their marriages. Respectfully Yours provides the answers they are looking for and so much more. Within its pages, we uncover the secret to cultivating power and influence in your marriage.

PLEASE NOTE: This is the same Leader’s Guide that is contained in the Respectfully Yours Leader Kit. It is only for those who already have the Kit, but need another Leader’s Guide for a co-leader, or have lost their Leader’s Guide. YOU CANNOT USE THIS GUIDE WITHOUT THE DVDs SOLD ONLY IN THE LEADER KIT.

Transform Your Marriage with Respectfully Yours

This journey entails distinguishing Biblical respect from being a doormat, breaking free from negative thought patterns, embracing the transformative truth that differences don't mean being wrong, but simply being different, and learning practical yet impactful ways to apply respect in everyday interactions. By doing marriage God's way and following the principles outlined in Respectfully Yours, you can reap eternal rewards and experience a profound transformation in your relationship. Explore our Respectfully Yours Study Guide, available in a 10 Pack, along with the additional Leaders Guide for comprehensive support and guidance.

Get to know...

Emerson and Sarah Eggerichs

Dr. Emerson Eggerichs is an internationally known public speaker on the topic of male-female relationships. Based on over three decades of pastoring, counseling and study of biblical and scientific research, Dr. Eggerichs and his wife Sarah developed the Love and Respect Conference which they present to live audiences around the country.

About Love & Respect
Portrait of Emerson and Sarah Eggerichs

Product Quotes

Do you bow to the influence of Hollywood or God’s Holy Word?

Building Blocks

The heart of my communication means the other person cannot get my heart to be unkind, unloving, or disrespectful. Instead, I have made a decision about who I will be independent of the other person. I won’t blame my unkindness on someone else.

Before You Hit Send

When you relinquish an offense, you need to send that offense somewhere. So follow Jesus’ example and release it to your heavenly Father.

The Language of Love & Respect Book

A wife has one driving need--to feel loved. When that need is met she is happy. A husband has one driving need--to feel respected. When that need is met he is happy. When either of these needs isn’t met, things get crazy. Love and Respect reveals why spouses react negatively to each other, and how they can deal with such conflict quickly, easily and biblically.

Love & Respect Book

You have to become proactive, rather than just trying to stop the reactive.

Love & Respect Podcast

She’s not wrong for not being male. He is not wrong for not being female. When you put pink and blue together, you get purple, the color of royalty; the color of God. Together, a husband and wife reflect God’s image.

Building Blocks

Husbands, even Jesus Himself was asked by a woman, “Do you not care?” (Luke 10:40) When your wife accuses you of not caring, decode her deeper meaning.

The Language of Love & Respect Book

At the very bottom of things, in every case and in every conversation, you can do your marriage a huge favor by assuming she is seeking to feel loved or he is seeking to feel respected and give your spouse some grace!

The Language of Love & Respect Book

His love motivates her respect. Her respect motivates his love.

The Language of Love & Respect Book

Avoid like the plague trying to punish each other as a means of “motivation.” Christ-followers instinctively know that this destroys any opportunity to act out of reverence for Christ. In all marital issues, love and reverence for Christ must be our primary motivation.

The Love and Respect Experience

It’s crucial to communicate with the right tone of voice and the right expression on your face.

Love & Respect for a Lifetime

We are equal but we are not the same.

Building Blocks

When there is confusion, I try to refrain from attacking another for not listening carefully (which may not be the case). Instead, I take a run at communicating again, but more clearly.

Before You Hit Send

Never give up. If you want to have a strong marriage, you need to accept temporary setbacks as part of the game.

The Love and Respect Experience

Getting married reveals, usually sooner than later, an incontestable fact: your spouse cannot possibly meet all your needs and desires

The Love and Respect Experience

Respect for the husband is just as important as love for the wife.

Love & Respect

When you love or respect unconditionally regardless of the outcome, you are following God and His will for you.

Love & Respect for a Lifetime

Assuming goodwill can be revolutionary in relationships.

The Illumination Project (Journal)

We blame people for the bad things we do, but take credit for the good things we do.

Building Blocks

The difference between successful couples and unsuccessful couples is that successful ones keep getting up and dealing with the issues.

Love & Respect

Husbands primarily want to hear ‘respect” talk during conflict. Wives primarily want to hear “love” talk during conflict.

Building Blocks

[Husbands] as the church places her burdens on Christ, so a woman needs to place her burdens on her husband. When she shares with you, don’t assume she is asking you to solve the problem. Ask your wife, “Do you want a solution or a listening ear?”

Love & Respect for a Lifetime

We can all have moments of anger, but this does not mean we have to lose control and sin.

Building Blocks

Wives, to energize your husband do an activity with him, shoulder-to-shoulder, without talking.

Building Blocks

Before hitting send, ask yourself, "Have I listened carefully and understand the exact issue on the table?"

Before You Hit Send

Unconditional respect means we confront their wrongdoings respectfully. We do not become uncivil because they are. Who they fail to be does not determine who we will be.

Before You Hit Send

The Love and Respect message is not about a husband earning his wife’s respect by being more loving any more than it is about a wife earning her husband’s love by being more respectful. Always love or respect is given unconditionally according to God’s commands.

The Language of Love & Respect Book

A marriage relationship will be energized when couples learn how to motivate each other God’s way.

Building Blocks

We all need to wrestle with the spiritual truth that God is good. If you don’t believe God is good, you won’t trust His word. If you don’t trust His word, you will find excuses to ignore His commands.

Respectfully Yours

Trusting and obeying God’s Word because we love and reverence God never, ever makes us a hypocrite! When the alarm goes off in the morning, we get up, even when we don’t feel like it getting up. Because we do what we don’t feel like doing, does that make us hypocrites? No, it’s a sign we are responsible people. Showing respectful behavior when we don’t “feel respectful” is evidence of maturity.

Love & Respect

When your wife comes to talk to you, listen to her. Realize she is coming to you because you matter more to her than anyone else. She has certain emotional needs and only you can meet them. Sometimes she may say things that don’t make sense to you and she is apt to misspeak and exaggerate when she is upset, but don’t put her down. Instead, listen to her heart. Give her a chance to express her concerns and, as she does so, don’t try to fix her. Don’t give her your solutions unless she asks for them.

The Language of Love & Respect Book

It’s hard to realize that we would never act around our business associates the way we act around our spouse.

Building Blocks

How we react to a situation reveals more about us than about the other person.

Respectfully Yours

I had often asked God to compensate for my mistakes, but in return had I thought He would give me perfect children?

Love & Respect in the Family

We are worth Jesus to the Father.

The Illumination Project (Journal)

Share what God is saying to your heart, not what you think He needs to say to your mate.

The Love and Respect Experience

When others do not respond to our communication, we need to look first at our communication style. Is the other person incapable of hearing what we have to say? Or are we abrupt, brusque, and curt?

Before You Hit Send

To stay the course in speaking words of Love and Respect, keep your heart in Scripture, trusting in and talking about His promises to help you.

Love & Respect for a Lifetime

Thank the Lord for the goodwill each of you has toward the other. Ask Him for strength to give each other the benefit of the doubt during moments when someone’s goodwill seems to be lacking. “He who seeks good finds goodwill, but evil comes to him who searches for it.” (Proverbs 11:27)

The Love and Respect Experience - Prayers

The key to motivating another person is meeting their deepest need, especially during conflict.

Love & Respect Podcast

We have different vulnerabilities. We can pass judgment on one another all day long or we can say God made us different and that’s ok.

Building Blocks

As a husband, if you can grasp that you don’t always have to solve your wife’s problems, you will take a giant step toward showing her empathy and understanding.

Love & Respect for a Lifetime

The moment we cry to Him for help, He is already pleased. He gives us strength to love our children.

Love & Respect in the Family

Just because you may feel unloved or disrespected does not mean your spouse is sending that message.

Love & Respect

If a husband loves his wife as he should, she will feel honored and respected. If a wife respects her husband as she should, he will feel loved and appreciated. It’s a win-win.

The Love and Respect Experience

Above all trust God when the “whys” of life threaten to overwhelm you.

The Language of Love & Respect Book

We can communicate the truth in the best of manners, but the person may be so insecure he or she can only react and attack like a wounded bear.

Before You Hit Send

The woman absolutely needs love, and the man absolutely needs respect. It’s as simple- and as difficult- as that.

Love & Respect

I often stress that one of the greatest rewards any persevering spouse can have is being a good example and influence on the children in the family.

The Language of Love & Respect Book

If you want your wife to express appreciation for your attempts to be loving, you must use thankful words when she tries to speak or act respectfully.

Love & Respect for a Lifetime

Knowing my spouse will not be able to love or respect me perfectly, I commit to having a forgiving spirit so that I may never speak hatefully or contemptuously.

Love & Respect for a Lifetime

Ladies, be careful. “A nagging wife goes on and on like the drip, drip, drip of the rain” (Proverbs 19:13).

The Language of Love & Respect Book

Words of Love or Respect must uplift your spouse, edifying- never manipulating him or her.

Love & Respect for a Lifetime

Thank the Lord that in the very beginning He created them male and female – Blue and Pink. Ask Him for patience and ever-growing understanding of how men and women see and hear differently. “He created them male and female, and He blessed them.” (Genesis 5:2)

The Love and Respect Experience - Prayers

Thank God for joining you together and for allowing you to trust Him to help you, whatever the issue. God is there for you and expects you to look to Him to keep you together as a team, so ask Him for His help in the smallest of concerns. “So they are no longer two, but one flesh. What therefore God has joined together, let no man separate.” (Matthew 19:6)

The Love and Respect Experience - Prayers

In your marriage be the first to “seek peace and pursue it” (1 Peter 3:11)

Love & Respect

If you want your husband to express appreciation for your attempts to be respectful, you must speak thankfully when he tries to be loving.

Love & Respect for a Lifetime

We get on the Crazy Cycle because without love a wife reacts without respect, and without respect a husband reacts without love.

Respectfully Yours

Our trustworthiness rests on our truthfulness.

Before You Hit Send

Men are solution oriented, they love to solve problems. They want to be helpful.

Love & Respect for a Lifetime

Feeling unloved, a wife gets defensive and acts offensively without respect. Feeling disrespected, a husband gets defensive and acts offensively without love.

The Love and Respect Experience

When you possess a forgiving spirit, words of Love and Respect will flow authentically from your lips- and realize that the Lord Himself is listening to you at moments like these. He knows you are not powerless, but actually full of power that He has granted you.

Love & Respect for a Lifetime

When one of you makes a mistake, control any anger you may feel and trust God completely, no matter what happens.

The Love and Respect Experience

We must bring our identity in Christ to our parenting—we must not derive our identity from our children.

Love & Respect Podcast

Thank the Lord for all the trouble-free moments in which you and your spouse enjoy Him, each other, your family, your ministry and life as a whole. Ask Him for the strength to accept your measure of trouble, and the wisdom to deal with the annoyances and irritations by loving and respecting each other with new commitment. (You may also want to pray about troubles at work, at church, with the children…) “But those who marry will have trouble in this life” (1 Corinthians 7:28)

The Love and Respect Experience - Prayers

In the ultimate sense, your marriage has nothing to do with your spouse. It has everything to do with your relationship to Jesus Christ.

Love & Respect for a Lifetime

If a husband chooses to be a peacemaker--taking the needs and concerns of his wife totally into account during any kind of argument or conflict--his wife will be motivated in turn to respond to his authority during stalemates.

The Language of Love & Respect Book

Research shows that 70% of the couples who were extremely unhappy in their marriage, but hung in there and worked through the tough time, identified themselves as being very happy five years later.

Building Blocks

Parenting is a faith venture. As we parent “unto Christ” we reap God’s reward, “knowing that whatever good anyone does, he will receive the same from the Lord” (Eph. 6:8 NKJV)

Love & Respect in the Family

God is not pink. God is not blue. God is purple. When two become one, they have the potential of displaying God’s attributes and character.

Love & Respect for a Lifetime

Do you understand that God feels compassion for you, no matter what you have done or what your circumstances may be?

Respectfully Yours

Your spouse deserves the truth from you. Do your best to tell it with love and respect.

The Love and Respect Experience

A most significant point of this book is this: If what we think is true, kind, necessary, and clear, we need to have the courage to hit send. This isn’t about refraining from speaking; this is about speaking.

Before You Hit Send

Marriage is a test of how you unconditionally love and respect your spouse as you obey, honor, and please the Lord.

Love & Respect

Thank God for His forgiveness of your mistakes. In trying to be a loving man or a respectful woman, we blow it. Owning up to mistakes is never easy, but it is always the way to move forward. Take good care not to accuse your spouse of mistakes as you pray. Also, pray about any forgiving to be done in the family, any forgiveness that needs to be asked. Children may need forgiveness (and what about Mom and Dad?). “There is no one on earth who does what is right all the time and never makes a mistake.” (Ecclesiastes 7:20)

The Love and Respect Experience - Prayers

Though the end can be worthy (to be loved and respected), when each uses unholy means (unloving and disrespectful words and actions), it will not achieve those ends. We must treat others as we expect them to treat us. To deny this makes us arrogant or fools, or both.

Before You Hit Send

No matter what your struggle- criticism, constant conflict, sex, money, parenting, harsh words- learning to communicate the Love and Respect way can help you make crucial changes and build the kind of relationship that God blesses.

Love & Respect for a Lifetime

Suppressing negative feelings is not loving, respectful or very wise. Speak up tactfully.

The Love and Respect Experience

God’s commands are there to help us, not to hinder us or hold us back as male and female.

The Illumination Project (Journal)

You both forgive for one simple but profound reason: because you know Christ has forgiven you!

The Love and Respect Experience

Being a person who communicates what is true frequently demands tact, and at times it can feel like sidestepping land mines. It takes work to be both truthful and tactful.

Before You Hit Send

You can be right in the argument, but wrong in your approach.

Love & Respect Podcast

There is power and freedom that comes in understanding that no one can cause you to react in a certain way. It is your choice.

Building Blocks

When a husband chooses to come across lovingly even though he feels disrespected, he can prevent the Crazy Cycle from spinning and possibly getting out of control.

The Language of Love & Respect

There is a plan to parent God’s way, even when our children may seek to go their own way at time. The secret is to follow this plan regardless. When you do, I believe you succeed in His eyes.

Love & Respect in the Family

Pink and Blue perceptions not only affect seeing, they affect hearing as well. Women hear with pink hearing aids and men hear with blue hearing aids. Even more important to understand as you and your spouse seek to gain better communication, you can hear the very same words, but each of you will hear different messages.

Love & Respect for a Lifetime

Life is too short to fuss and fret over trivial irritations.

The Language of Love & Respect Book

Your husband knows you appreciate his desire to protect and provide when you praise his commitment to provide for you. You empathize when he reveals his male mindset about position, status, or rank at work.

Love & Respect for a Lifetime

God’s commands are not burdensome, but are given to us to spare us from more pain. Why would God command you to do something that doesn’t work?

Respectfully Yours

God designed the woman to love. He’s not going to command her to agape her husband when He created her to do that in the first place. God is not into redundancy.

Love & Respect

Good intentions do not always produce good words or outcomes.

Before You Hit Send

The more we are upset at something, the wiser it is to let twenty-four hours pass before responding.

Before You Hit Send

Words of love from a husband are like good medicine that brings life to the marriage.

The Language of Love & Respect Book

To build a lasting legacy, use proven wisdom that you glean from the Lord.

The Love and Respect Experience

Mutual submission is the only way to live fairly together with mutual authority.

The Love and Respect Experience

Marriage is a tool and a test to allow God’s will to be revealed in our lives.

Love & Respect

[Women], as you enter quiet dignity, not preaching at your husband or scolding him as though you were his mother, something happens in his soul as a male.

Respectfully Yours

Whether visiting a prison, feeding the hungry, giving the thirsty a drink or speaking a word of love or respect, everything is to be done to and for Christ.

The Language of Love & Respect Book

Positive changes flood a relationship immediately when both husband and wife cancel the blame game!

Love & Respect for a Lifetime

When we speak before we think, we widen the chances the other person(s) will be notably hurt, frustrated, confused, angry, fearful, or offended by something we’ve communicated.

Before You Hit Send
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