Respectfully Yours - Leader's Guide

Words of Love or Respect must uplift your spouse, edifying- never manipulating him or her.

We get on the Crazy Cycle because without love a wife reacts without respect, and without respect a husband reacts without love.

Let the Lord change you, but don’t try to change each other.

Don’t conclude that your spouse is wrong when he/she is seeking to do the right and righteous thing.

When the wife flatly says her husband will have to earn her respect before she gives him any, she leaves the husband in a lose-lose situation. Now he is responsible for both love and respect in the relationship. He must unconditionally love his wife and earn her respect.

Both Judas and Peter denied Jesus Christ, but there is a huge difference between a Judas and a Peter.

She’s not wrong for not being male. He is not wrong for not being female. When you put pink and blue together, you get purple, the color of royalty; the color of God. Together, a husband and wife reflect God’s image.

Be friendly. Be friendly. Be friendly. Watch what happens.

Thank God for joining you together and for allowing you to trust Him to help you, whatever the issue. God is there for you and expects you to look to Him to keep you together as a team, so ask Him for His help in the smallest of concerns. “So they are no longer two, but one flesh. What therefore God has joined together, let no man separate.” (Matthew 19:6)

When we feel crippling discouragement by the sinful choices and outcomes of our kids, we must not let this permanently deter us from parenting God’s way.

Assume goodwill about the person you are in conflict with.

Thank the Lord for the goodwill each of you has toward the other. Ask Him for strength to give each other the benefit of the doubt during moments when someone’s goodwill seems to be lacking. “He who seeks good finds goodwill, but evil comes to him who searches for it.” (Proverbs 11:27)

Marriage is a tool and a test to deepen and demonstrate your love and your reverence for Jesus Christ.

Whose voice are you listening to: Hollywood or God’s Holy Word?

The woman absolutely needs love, and the man absolutely needs respect. It’s as simple- and as difficult- as that.

When one of you makes a mistake, control any anger you may feel and trust God completely, no matter what happens.

Life is too short to fuss and fret over trivial irritations.

Do you believe that there is a God who really loves you and wants to help you?

Since it is easy to focus on the negative, focus on your mate’s good qualities and express thanks with positive words of Love or Respect.

We are either going to give in the darkness or we are going to give into the darkness.

Thank God for His forgiveness of your mistakes. In trying to be a loving man or a respectful woman, we blow it. Owning up to mistakes is never easy, but it is always the way to move forward. Take good care not to accuse your spouse of mistakes as you pray. Also, pray about any forgiving to be done in the family, any forgiveness that needs to be asked. Children may need forgiveness (and what about Mom and Dad?). “There is no one on earth who does what is right all the time and never makes a mistake.” (Ecclesiastes 7:20)

Words of wisdom for all husbands and wives are these: We easily see what is done to us before we see what we are doing to our mate.

When your wife comes to talk to you, listen to her. Realize she is coming to you because you matter more to her than anyone else. She has certain emotional needs and only you can meet them. Sometimes she may say things that don’t make sense to you and she is apt to misspeak and exaggerate when she is upset, but don’t put her down. Instead, listen to her heart. Give her a chance to express her concerns and, as she does so, don’t try to fix her. Don’t give her your solutions unless she asks for them.

A major step toward a happy marriage is accepting differences and working them out with love and respect.

Never give up. If you want to have a strong marriage, you need to accept temporary setbacks as part of the game.

When you relinquish an offense, you need to send that offense somewhere. So follow Jesus’ example and release it to your heavenly Father.

Often the apparent issue isn’t the real issue; the real issue is always a matter of love or respect.

You both forgive for one simple but profound reason: because you know Christ has forgiven you!

Clearly, in the marriage, in the family and in the household, when you speak words of blessing, you are speaking to the Lord, and for this you will be rewarded.

When there is confusion, I try to refrain from attacking another for not listening carefully (which may not be the case). Instead, I take a run at communicating again, but more clearly.

When parents genuinely trust and follow the Lord and His ways, their faith spills over onto the children.

You can experience hurt, but it is your choice to hate.

Wives, you never know: The way you handle this [conflict] might bring your husband not only back to you, but to God. Husbands, you never know: The way you handle this [conflict] might bring your wife not only back to you, but to God. (1 Corinthians 7:16)

When you possess a forgiving spirit, words of Love and Respect will flow authentically from your lips- and realize that the Lord Himself is listening to you at moments like these. He knows you are not powerless, but actually full of power that He has granted you.

Ladies, be careful. “A nagging wife goes on and on like the drip, drip, drip of the rain” (Proverbs 19:13).

The more we are upset at something, the wiser it is to let twenty-four hours pass before responding.

As a wife, if you can start to understand how important your husband’s work is to him, you will take a giant step toward communicating respect and honor, two things that he values even more than your love.

This is the Rewarded Cycle: His love blesses regardless of her respect and her respect blesses regardless of his love.

Men are solution oriented, they love to solve problems. They want to be helpful.

Mutual understanding, not communication, is the key to a healthy marriage relationship.

Always remember that Pink and Blue have different wiring, different preferences. Assume your spouse has goodwill toward you, no matter what. Both of you can be right, while being different.

No one can really practice Love and Respect unless he or she does it as unto Jesus Christ.

When a husband feels disrespected, he has a natural tendency to react in ways that feel unloving to his wife. (Perhaps the command to love was given to him precisely for this reason!) When a wife feels unloved, she has a natural tendency to react in ways that feel disrespectful to her husband. (Perhaps the command to respect was given to her precisely for this reason!)

Your husband knows you appreciate his desire to protect and provide when you praise his commitment to provide for you. You empathize when he reveals his male mindset about position, status, or rank at work.

His love motivates her respect. Her respect motivates his love.

Do you understand that God feels compassion for you, no matter what you have done or what your circumstances may be?

[Women], as you enter quiet dignity, not preaching at your husband or scolding him as though you were his mother, something happens in his soul as a male.

We send each other messages in “code” based on gender, even though we don’t intend to. What I say is not what you hear, and what you think you heard is not what I meant at all.

Negative actions rarely produce positive results.

Will we decide how we see God based on our circumstances, or will we see our circumstances in light of how we view God?

When you love or respect unconditionally regardless of the outcome, you are following God and His will for you.

Positive changes flood a relationship immediately when both husband and wife cancel the blame game!

Here is the secret to marriage that every couple seeks and yet few find: Unconditional respect is as powerful for him as unconditional love is for her. It’s the secret that will help you achieve a brand new level of intimacy.

If you are seeking positive change in your marriage, you will need to make a positive change in your attitude and actions.

One thing to remember in this culture is if we say something complimentary towards one gender, we aren’t saying something against the other.

Recognize your different gifts--how each of you (Pink and Blue) functions according to God’s perfect design.

When others do not respond to our communication, we need to look first at our communication style. Is the other person incapable of hearing what we have to say? Or are we abrupt, brusque, and curt?

Assuming goodwill can be revolutionary in relationships.

The moment we cry to Him for help, He is already pleased. He gives us strength to love our children.

[Women], your self-love cannot be derived from your husband’s love. It can affect it, but it does not determine it.

How we react to a situation reveals more about us than about the other person.

Being a person who communicates what is true frequently demands tact, and at times it can feel like sidestepping land mines. It takes work to be both truthful and tactful.

A strong woman of dignity puts on respect out of her love and reverence for Jesus Christ. She trusts that His word not only protects and empowers her, but also rewards her with incomprehensible eternal blessings.

Fight like a loving man and a respectful woman. Fight fair.

Every marriage includes trouble some of the time. Do not let the 20% leaven all the rest.

We fool ourselves into thinking the other person causes us to be the way we are. They really don’t! But if we lock into that idea, we become helpless, hopeless victims.

If you want your wife to express appreciation for your attempts to be loving, you must use thankful words when she tries to speak or act respectfully.

We can communicate the truth in the best of manners, but the person may be so insecure he or she can only react and attack like a wounded bear.

If you want your husband to express appreciation for your attempts to be respectful, you must speak thankfully when he tries to be loving.

God is good and wants what is best for us.

Focus on the positive in the midst of the negative, and the Energizing Cycle will keep right on humming.

Christian maturity involves a lot of things, but surely it includes knowing how to process your anger.

When sorting out how to slow down the Crazy Cycle, it helps to remember that men are commanded to love because they don’t love naturally, and on the other side, women are commanded to respect because they don’t respect naturally.

The key to motivating another person is meeting their deepest need, especially during conflict.

Just because you may feel unloved or disrespected does not mean your spouse is sending that message.

You must distinguish between “I can’t” and “I won’t.”

Our trustworthiness rests on our truthfulness.

A wife has one driving need: to feel loved. When that need is met, she is happy. A husband has one driving need: to feel respected. When that need is met, he is happy. When either of these needs isn’t met, things get crazy with conflict.

Holding back your love or respect will just keep the Crazy Cycle spinning away, but being mature and making the first move could slow it down.

A man has a natural, inborn desire to go out and “conquer” the challenges of his world – to work and achieve.

The Crazy Cycle is, indeed “the evil of folly and the foolishness of madness” (Ecclesiastes 7:25)

Share what God is saying to your heart, not what you think He needs to say to your mate.

If we subscribe to the belief that because we are equal we are the same, then we’re going to expect our spouse to respond the way we do.

Words of Love and Respect must include thankfulness spoken to or about your spouse; don’t fixate on weaknesses and faults.

Research and experience prove that men and women see and hear differently. Recognizing these differences and adjusting to them is absolutely necessary for reaching mutual understanding and better communication.

We are equal but we are not the same.

Husbands, even Jesus Himself was asked by a woman, “Do you not care?” (Luke 10:40) When your wife accuses you of not caring, decode her deeper meaning.

Marital researchers agree that a huge percentage of communication problems between husband and wife are due not to what is said but to how it is said – the attitude and tone of voice.

You must “ask God from the wealth of his glory to give you power through his Spirit to be strong in your inner selves.”

Often both spouses have goodwill but are not deciphering each other’s code. She criticizes out of love, but he “hears” only disrespect. He distances himself to prevent feelings from escalating, which is the honorable thing to do, but she “sees” only his failure to be loving!

God’s commands are there to help us, not to hinder us or hold us back as male and female.

Money squabbles don’t undermine love and respect; they simply reveal unloving and disrespectful attitudes, which are the real reason why a marriage can start to wobble on the Crazy Cycle.

We are worth Jesus to the Father.

“With eyes of faith, envision Jesus standing just beyond the shoulder of your spouse and listening to every word you speak in every conversation, pleasant or tense. When you speak lovingly or respectfully to your spouse, you are speaking to Christ. Your spouse just happens to be there too.” This truth has sanctified the lips of many. Instead of giving their spouse a verbal whipping or choking on the idea of saying anything positive, now some spouses are motivated to speak words of unconditional love or respect.

Accentuate the positive and eliminate the negative with lots of love and respect in between.

It’s so easy to dismiss our spouse as childish because we don’t have the same vulnerabilities they do.

I often stress that one of the greatest rewards any persevering spouse can have is being a good example and influence on the children in the family.

You can be right in the argument, but wrong in your approach.

We must bring our identity in Christ to our parenting—we must not derive our identity from our children.

We might say that every negative action in the family has an equal and opposite negative reaction.