Respectfully Yours - Leader's Guide

When you love or respect unconditionally regardless of the outcome, you are following God and His will for you.

Don’t pressure yourself with perfection. We are going to fail. A righteous man falls 7 times but gets back up.

Avoid like the plague trying to punish each other as a means of “motivation.” Christ-followers instinctively know that this destroys any opportunity to act out of reverence for Christ. In all marital issues, love and reverence for Christ must be our primary motivation.

Stay the course regardless of the child’s respect and obedience. This is the Family Rewarded Cycle: a parents love unto Christ regardless of the child.

We have different vulnerabilities. We can pass judgment on one another all day long or we can say God made us different and that’s ok.

[Husbands] as the church places her burdens on Christ, so a woman needs to place her burdens on her husband. When she shares with you, don’t assume she is asking you to solve the problem. Ask your wife, “Do you want a solution or a listening ear?”

Your wife will feel esteemed when you speak highly of her in front of others.

Always try to look at your spouse the way Jesus does.

I had often asked God to compensate for my mistakes, but in return had I thought He would give me perfect children?

When a wife feels unloved, it can be such a shock to her heart that she is oblivious to her disrespectful reactions toward her husband, though any man watching could see it plainly.

Your spouse can have a need that you don’t have and that’s okay.

Marriage is a test of how you unconditionally love and respect your spouse as you obey, honor, and please the Lord.

Often the apparent issue isn’t the real issue; the real issue is always a matter of love or respect.

If a husband is commanded to agape- love his wife, then she truly needs love.

Truth will carry its own weight if delivered respectfully and lovingly.

Wives, you never know: The way you handle this [conflict] might bring your husband not only back to you, but to God. Husbands, you never know: The way you handle this [conflict] might bring your wife not only back to you, but to God. (1 Corinthians 7:16)

You must “ask God from the wealth of his glory to give you power through his Spirit to be strong in your inner selves.”

It is crucial for a husband and wife to see that neither one is wrong, but both of them are very different--in body function, outlook and perspective.

If you want your husband to express appreciation for your attempts to be respectful, you must speak thankfully when he tries to be loving.

Mutual understanding, not communication, is the key to a healthy marriage relationship.

When you possess a forgiving spirit, words of Love and Respect will flow authentically from your lips- and realize that the Lord Himself is listening to you at moments like these. He knows you are not powerless, but actually full of power that He has granted you.

To get offended is easy, but to forgive is within your power as you walk in His steps.

Let the Lord change you, but don’t try to change each other.

If you want your wife to express appreciation for your attempts to be loving, you must use thankful words when she tries to speak or act respectfully.

His love motivates her respect. Her respect motivates his love.

Positive changes flood a relationship immediately when both husband and wife cancel the blame game!

In the ultimate sense you marriage has nothing to do with your spouse. It has everything to do with your relationship with Jesus Christ.

Be a part of the solution, not part of the problem.

When a husband chooses to come across lovingly even though he feels disrespected, he can prevent the Crazy Cycle from spinning and possibly getting out of control.

Words of Love or Respect must uplift your spouse, edifying- never manipulating him or her.

Trusting and obeying God’s Word because we love and reverence God never, ever makes us a hypocrite! When the alarm goes off in the morning, we get up, even when we don’t feel like it getting up. Because we do what we don’t feel like doing, does that make us hypocrites? No, it’s a sign we are responsible people. Showing respectful behavior when we don’t “feel respectful” is evidence of maturity.

This is the Rewarded Cycle: His love blesses regardless of her respect and her respect blesses regardless of his love.

One thing to remember in this culture is if we say something complimentary towards one gender, we aren’t saying something against the other.

[Women], your self-love cannot be derived from your husband’s love. It can affect it, but it does not determine it.

Don’t conclude that your spouse is wrong when he/she is seeking to do the right and righteous thing.

Since it is easy to focus on the negative, focus on your mate’s good qualities and express thanks with positive words of Love or Respect.

Unconditional respect is as powerful to him as unconditional love is to her.

“With eyes of faith, envision Jesus standing just beyond the shoulder of your spouse and listening to every word you speak in every conversation, pleasant or tense. When you speak lovingly or respectfully to your spouse, you are speaking to Christ. Your spouse just happens to be there too.” This truth has sanctified the lips of many. Instead of giving their spouse a verbal whipping or choking on the idea of saying anything positive, now some spouses are motivated to speak words of unconditional love or respect.

When you relinquish an offense, you need to send that offense somewhere. So follow Jesus’ example and release it to your heavenly Father.

A most significant point of this book is this: If what we think is true, kind, necessary, and clear, we need to have the courage to hit send. This isn’t about refraining from speaking; this is about speaking.

[Husbands] do you realize the power of just holding your wife’s hand?

You can be right in the argument, but wrong in your approach.

Marriage is a tool and a test to deepen and demonstrate your love and your reverence for Jesus Christ.

Husbands, even Jesus Himself was asked by a woman, “Do you not care?” (Luke 10:40) When your wife accuses you of not caring, decode her deeper meaning.

Can you begin to trust that God feels love for you even when you don’t feel that love?

As a husband, if you can grasp that you don’t always have to solve your wife’s problems, you will take a giant step toward showing her empathy and understanding.

The Crazy Cycle is, indeed “the evil of folly and the foolishness of madness” (Ecclesiastes 7:25)

You’re the only person in the world who can meet your spouse’s deepest need for love and respect. After all, you alone are married to your spouse.

Being a person who communicates what is true frequently demands tact, and at times it can feel like sidestepping land mines. It takes work to be both truthful and tactful.

We are either going to give in the darkness or we are going to give into the darkness.

Words of Love and Respect must include thankfulness spoken to or about your spouse; don’t fixate on weaknesses and faults.

Through Jesus and Peter, God set forth His standard for living in the unconditional dimension: choose to be loving even when the other person is not; do what is right regardless of the treatment you receive. I believe this standard applies directly to marriage. A husband who speaks lovingly to his disrespectful wife will be rewarded; and a wife who speaks respectfully to her unloving, not-worthy-of-respect husband will be rewarded. Whether you are husband or wife, the reward is what can keep you going in the midst of the craziness: knowing that God commends you, knowing that you have found his favor for your words and actions.

Research shows that 70% of the couples who were extremely unhappy in their marriage, but hung in there and worked through the tough time, identified themselves as being very happy five years later.

We all need to wrestle with the spiritual truth that God is good. If you don’t believe God is good, you won’t trust His word. If you don’t trust His word, you will find excuses to ignore His commands.

At the very bottom of things, in every case and in every conversation, you can do your marriage a huge favor by assuming she is seeking to feel loved or he is seeking to feel respected and give your spouse some grace!

A marriage relationship will be energized when couples learn how to motivate each other God’s way.

With a better understanding of God’s promises, you will be on your way to a renewed mind and a changed life.

If you are seeking positive change in your marriage, you will need to make a positive change in your attitude and actions.

Your position in Christ is what counts, not your less-than-perfect performance.

Thank the Lord for the goodwill each of you has toward the other. Ask Him for strength to give each other the benefit of the doubt during moments when someone’s goodwill seems to be lacking. “He who seeks good finds goodwill, but evil comes to him who searches for it.” (Proverbs 11:27)

Be friendly. Be friendly. Be friendly. Watch what happens.

You have to become proactive, rather than just trying to stop the reactive.

Pink and Blue perceptions not only affect seeing, they affect hearing as well. Women hear with pink hearing aids and men hear with blue hearing aids. Even more important to understand as you and your spouse seek to gain better communication, you can hear the very same words, but each of you will hear different messages.

We blame people for the bad things we do, but take credit for the good things we do.

Our trustworthiness rests on our truthfulness.

Marital researchers agree that a huge percentage of communication problems between husband and wife are due not to what is said but to how it is said – the attitude and tone of voice.

You both forgive for one simple but profound reason: because you know Christ has forgiven you!

Our research shows that couples who pray together are more apt to reap all kinds of benefits, including better and more frequent communication, going on “dates” more frequently and having sex more frequently.

The mature one in the marriage seldom moves second.

There is a discrepancy between who we want to be and see ourselves to be and how we actually sound in voice and writing. But with self-reflection and honesty, we can turn the corner and improve our communication. We need only evaluate what we are about to communicate.

Thank the Lord that in the very beginning He created them male and female – Blue and Pink. Ask Him for patience and ever-growing understanding of how men and women see and hear differently. “He created them male and female, and He blessed them.” (Genesis 5:2)

You speak lovingly or respectfully no matter how your spouse may speak to you in return. Your spouse is not the reason--good or bad--why you speak unconditional words of love or respect. God is the reason, and as you depend on Him, you will become increasingly able to speak lovingly and respectfully to your spouse.

It is hard to be negative while being thankful.

When a husband feels disrespected, it is especially hard to love his wife. When a wife feels unloved, it is especially hard to respect her husband.

A woman needs love like she needs air to breathe. A man needs respect like he needs air to breathe.

Words of love from a husband are like good medicine that brings life to the marriage.

Thank God for joining you together and for allowing you to trust Him to help you, whatever the issue. God is there for you and expects you to look to Him to keep you together as a team, so ask Him for His help in the smallest of concerns. “So they are no longer two, but one flesh. What therefore God has joined together, let no man separate.” (Matthew 19:6)

Husbands primarily want to hear ‘respect” talk during conflict. Wives primarily want to hear “love” talk during conflict.

Your marriage is really a tool and a test to deepen and demonstrate your love and reverence for your Lord.

So I encourage every husband and wife to commit to the Jesus Way of Talking. Instead of allowing the stress of the situation to control you, you can say to yourself, “Because I love the Lord and I know that He rewards every good word, I am going to be truthful even if my spouse is not. I will also be uplifting, forgiving, thankful and scriptural in my speech because my ultimate goal is to please the Lord. Whatever my spouse’s weaknesses or bad habits might be, I will not let them cause me to sin with my lips.”

Each of you must focus on what God is calling you to do toward your spouse. Do not focus on what you think God is calling your spouse to do toward you.

He will feel appreciated when you disagree with him only in private and honor his authority in front of the kids.

The Love and Respect message is not about a husband earning his wife’s respect by being more loving any more than it is about a wife earning her husband’s love by being more respectful. Always love or respect is given unconditionally according to God’s commands.

No matter what your struggle- criticism, constant conflict, sex, money, parenting, harsh words- learning to communicate the Love and Respect way can help you make crucial changes and build the kind of relationship that God blesses.

God is good and wants what is best for us.

When one of you makes a mistake, control any anger you may feel and trust God completely, no matter what happens.

No matter how difficult your spouse may be at the moment, your spouse does not have control over your reaction; you do. You may be experiencing disappointment, frustration or anger, but you always have a choice. A wife can choose to be disrespectful or respectful. A husband can choose to be unloving or loving.

Fight like a loving man and a respectful woman. Fight fair.

Money squabbles don’t undermine love and respect; they simply reveal unloving and disrespectful attitudes, which are the real reason why a marriage can start to wobble on the Crazy Cycle.

Words of wisdom for all husbands and wives are these: We easily see what is done to us before we see what we are doing to our mate.

Just because you’re offended doesn’t mean the other person is offensive.

When you play the blame game your marriage never wins.

Could you be facing a crisis in faith more than a crisis in your marriage?

God’s commands are not burdensome, but are given to us to spare us from more pain. Why would God command you to do something that doesn’t work?

We have discovered that as women motivate their man God’s way, men are energized to love them better. It doesn’t matter if your marriage is good or seems like there is no hope. We have seen God move in powerful ways even when things looked hopeless.

“You can be right, but wrong at the top of your voice.”

Accentuate the positive and eliminate the negative with lots of love and respect in between.

Assume goodwill about the person you are in conflict with.

You must distinguish between “I can’t” and “I won’t.”

Just because you may feel unloved or disrespected does not mean your spouse is sending that message.