Respectfully Yours - Leader's Guide

As mature men, we need to take leadership and put this out on the table. We must acknowledge our feelings- we need to feel respected. However, as we do this we must acknowledge our wife’s feelings- she needs to feel loved!

His love blesses regardless of her respect; her respect blesses regardless of his love.

We get on the Crazy Cycle because without love a wife reacts without respect, and without respect a husband reacts without love.

As a husband, if you can grasp that you don’t always have to solve your wife’s problems, you will take a giant step toward showing her empathy and understanding.

You must “ask God from the wealth of his glory to give you power through his Spirit to be strong in your inner selves.”

Our research shows that couples who pray together are more apt to reap all kinds of benefits, including better and more frequent communication, going on “dates” more frequently and having sex more frequently.

To get offended is easy, but to forgive is within your power as you walk in His steps.

God rewards your obedience to love and respect, even if your spouse does not respond!

Since it is easy to focus on the negative, focus on your mate’s good qualities and express thanks with positive words of Love or Respect.

In the ultimate sense you marriage has nothing to do with your spouse. It has everything to do with your relationship with Jesus Christ.

[Husbands] the most powerful weapons you have are your ears. Just listen to your wife, and she is much more likely to feel understood.

Your wife will feel esteemed when you speak highly of her in front of others.

He will feel appreciated when you recognize his problem-solving approach as his male brand of empathy.

You may believe that the careless, unloving or disrespectful words you speak are because your spouse is causing you to speak this way, but Jesus says that it is coming out of your heart.

Wives, you never know: The way you handle this [conflict] might bring your husband not only back to you, but to God. Husbands, you never know: The way you handle this [conflict] might bring your wife not only back to you, but to God. (1 Corinthians 7:16)

Always remember that Pink and Blue have different wiring, different preferences. Assume your spouse has goodwill toward you, no matter what. Both of you can be right, while being different.

To not forgive is to shoot yourself in the foot and put extra gas in the Crazy Cycle.

Both Judas and Peter denied Jesus Christ, but there is a huge difference between a Judas and a Peter.

Getting married reveals, usually sooner than later, an incontestable fact: your spouse cannot possibly meet all your needs and desires

Your wife feels you are open with her when you discuss financial concerns, possible job changes or ideas for your future.

Unconditional respect, like unconditional love, is all about how one sounds (tone of voice and word choice) and appears (facial expressions and physical actions).

Accidental sparks (unwise remarks) ignite and fuel a fire, and vroom goes the Crazy Cycle.

God’s commands are there to help us, not to hinder us or hold us back as male and female.

Don’t pressure yourself with perfection. We are going to fail. A righteous man falls 7 times but gets back up.

God is not trying to trick you or mess with you. Trust that He wants to reveal Himself to you just as much as He wants to reveal Himself to the world.

Words of love from a husband are like good medicine that brings life to the marriage.

Mutual understanding, not communication, is the key to a healthy marriage relationship.

Clearly, in the marriage, in the family and in the household, when you speak words of blessing, you are speaking to the Lord, and for this you will be rewarded.

Feeling unloved, a wife gets defensive and acts offensively without respect. Feeling disrespected, a husband gets defensive and acts offensively without love.

If we subscribe to the belief that because we are equal we are the same, then we’re going to expect our spouse to respond the way we do.

Words of Love and Respect must include thankfulness spoken to or about your spouse; don’t fixate on weaknesses and faults.

If a husband is commanded to agape- love his wife, then she truly needs love.

Focus on the positive in the midst of the negative, and the Energizing Cycle will keep right on humming.

Do you understand that God feels compassion for you, no matter what you have done or what your circumstances may be?

Do you seek to understand or only to be understood?

It’s hard to realize that we would never act around our business associates the way we act around our spouse.

Don’t label each other as bad because you differ on how you solve your troubles.

Ladies, be careful. “A nagging wife goes on and on like the drip, drip, drip of the rain” (Proverbs 19:13).

Your spouse may meet many of your needs, but your deepest dependency should be on your Lord.

When a husband chooses to do or say something loving, and that includes saying, ‘I’m sorry for coming across in an unloving way,’ he energizes his wife. When a wife decides to express herself respectfully, and that includes apologizing for her disrespectful attitude, she energizes her husband.

“You can be right, but wrong at the top of your voice.”

Your husband knows you value his friendship when you tell him you like him and you show it (he knows you love him, but he often wonders if you really like him).

Let the Lord change you, but don’t try to change each other.

When you possess a forgiving spirit, words of Love and Respect will flow authentically from your lips- and realize that the Lord Himself is listening to you at moments like these. He knows you are not powerless, but actually full of power that He has granted you.

You can be right but wrong at the top of your voice.

You can be right in the argument, but wrong in your approach.

Do you give yourself grace and your spouse judgment?

Unconditional respect is as powerful to him as unconditional love is to her.

Wives, to energize your husband do an activity with him, shoulder-to-shoulder, without talking.

The key to motivating another person is meeting their deepest need, especially during conflict.

The heart of my communication means the other person cannot get my heart to be unkind, unloving, or disrespectful. Instead, I have made a decision about who I will be independent of the other person. I won’t blame my unkindness on someone else.

You have to become proactive, rather than just trying to stop the reactive.

We have to step back as Christ followers and ask, “Do I have false expectations that my relationship should be romantic 99% of the time?”

The Lord made women (Pink) and men (Blue) with differences, and He expects us to recognize and deal with those differences in a loving and respectful way.

Each of you must focus on what God is calling you to do toward your spouse. Do not focus on what you think God is calling your spouse to do toward you.

I have concluded that those of us in the church who believe we have the Truth are not using the whole truth. A crucial part of God’s Word has been completely ignored, or perhaps simply gone unnoticed, when it has been there right under our noses the whole time! Many Christian spouses know Ephesians 5:33 and can at least paraphrase it. The Apostle Paul tells husbands to love their wives as much as they love themselves, and wives are to respect their husbands. But is anyone really listening? Perhaps the first step to better communication between husband and wife is to hear what God’s Word clearly says. --Emerson

You can experience hurt, but it is your choice to hate.

When one of you makes a mistake, control any anger you may feel and trust God completely, no matter what happens.

Your marriage is a test of your devotion to Christ.

Thank the Lord for all the trouble-free moments in which you and your spouse enjoy Him, each other, your family, your ministry and life as a whole. Ask Him for the strength to accept your measure of trouble, and the wisdom to deal with the annoyances and irritations by loving and respecting each other with new commitment. (You may also want to pray about troubles at work, at church, with the children…) “But those who marry will have trouble in this life” (1 Corinthians 7:28)

Men are solution oriented, they love to solve problems. They want to be helpful.

Holding back your love or respect will just keep the Crazy Cycle spinning away, but being mature and making the first move could slow it down.

The Love and Respect message is not about a husband earning his wife’s respect by being more loving any more than it is about a wife earning her husband’s love by being more respectful. Always love or respect is given unconditionally according to God’s commands.

As you pray together, you will truly learn to love and respect together.

A marriage relationship will be energized when couples learn how to motivate each other God’s way.

With a better understanding of God’s promises, you will be on your way to a renewed mind and a changed life.

Trusting and obeying God’s Word because we love and reverence God never, ever makes us a hypocrite! When the alarm goes off in the morning, we get up, even when we don’t feel like it getting up. Because we do what we don’t feel like doing, does that make us hypocrites? No, it’s a sign we are responsible people. Showing respectful behavior when we don’t “feel respectful” is evidence of maturity.

When a wife feels unloved, it can be such a shock to her heart that she is oblivious to her disrespectful reactions toward her husband, though any man watching could see it plainly.

The woman absolutely needs love, and the man absolutely needs respect. It’s as simple- and as difficult- as that.

You speak lovingly or respectfully no matter how your spouse may speak to you in return. Your spouse is not the reason--good or bad--why you speak unconditional words of love or respect. God is the reason, and as you depend on Him, you will become increasingly able to speak lovingly and respectfully to your spouse.

When you’re truly Christ-centered, instead of child-centered, you will be a more effective parent in the long run.

We all need to wrestle with the spiritual truth that God is good. If you don’t believe God is good, you won’t trust His word. If you don’t trust His word, you will find excuses to ignore His commands.

It’s so easy to dismiss our spouse as childish because we don’t have the same vulnerabilities they do.

Marriage is a test of how you unconditionally love and respect your spouse as you obey, honor, and please the Lord.

Words of Love or Respect must uplift your spouse, edifying- never manipulating him or her.

Women give a report to build rapport. Men bond through shoulder-to-shoulder activities without talking.

Your spouse has a need that you don’t have. Are you going to say there is something seriously wrong with them or will you say “Viva la Difference”?

Respect for the husband is just as important as love for the wife.

Research shows that 70% of the couples who were extremely unhappy in their marriage, but hung in there and worked through the tough time, identified themselves as being very happy five years later.

Always see your mate as an ally. Feedback is of little use if you see your spouse as an enemy. Giving and receiving constructive feedback is based on feelings of goodwill in both partners. Both of you need to remember that, even if you don’t always agree and even if you become irritated or angry, you are friends, and neither of you means to hurt the other.

God’s commands are not burdensome, but are given to us to spare us from more pain. Why would God command you to do something that doesn’t work?

When parents genuinely trust and follow the Lord and His ways, their faith spills over onto the children.

It is crucial for a husband and wife to see that neither one is wrong, but both of them are very different--in body function, outlook and perspective.

Husbands primarily want to hear ‘respect” talk during conflict. Wives primarily want to hear “love” talk during conflict.

Your marriage is a tool and a test to deepen and demonstrate your love and reverence for Jesus Christ. God is using your spouse to bring you an eternal reward.

Marital researchers agree that a huge percentage of communication problems between husband and wife are due not to what is said but to how it is said – the attitude and tone of voice.

A most significant point of this book is this: If what we think is true, kind, necessary, and clear, we need to have the courage to hit send. This isn’t about refraining from speaking; this is about speaking.

When you come home after you have been apart, the first few moments of reconnecting will set the tone for the rest of the evening.

A woman needs love like she needs air to breathe. A man needs respect like he needs air to breathe.

Be friendly. Be friendly. Be friendly. Watch what happens.

Your husband knows you appreciate his desire to protect and provide when you praise his commitment to provide for you. You empathize when he reveals his male mindset about position, status, or rank at work.

We can communicate the truth in the best of manners, but the person may be so insecure he or she can only react and attack like a wounded bear.

We are either going to give in the darkness or we are going to give into the darkness.

We are equal but we are not the same.

Avoid like the plague trying to punish each other as a means of “motivation.” Christ-followers instinctively know that this destroys any opportunity to act out of reverence for Christ. In all marital issues, love and reverence for Christ must be our primary motivation.

Our trustworthiness rests on our truthfulness.

She’s not wrong for not being male. He is not wrong for not being female. When you put pink and blue together, you get purple, the color of royalty; the color of God. Together, a husband and wife reflect God’s image.

You cannot use unholy means to achieve a worthy end.

Stay the course regardless of the child’s respect and obedience. This is the Family Rewarded Cycle: a parents love unto Christ regardless of the child.

We have discovered that as women motivate their man God’s way, men are energized to love them better. It doesn’t matter if your marriage is good or seems like there is no hope. We have seen God move in powerful ways even when things looked hopeless.