Respectfully Yours - Leader's Guide

In the ultimate sense you marriage has nothing to do with your spouse. It has everything to do with your relationship with Jesus Christ.

Good intentions do not always produce good words or outcomes.

Do you bow to the influence of Hollywood or God’s Holy Word?

If husbands and wives are to understand the Love and Respect Connection, they must realize that they communicate in code. And the problem is, they don’t know how to decipher the messages they send to one another.

It is so easy to draw wrong conclusions about a spouse’s character and motives due to an occasional flare-up or silly comment.

We all need love and respect equally. But, during conflict our felt needs are as different as pink is from blue.

Just because you’re offended doesn’t mean the other person is offensive.

A man has a natural, inborn desire to go out and “conquer” the challenges of his world – to work and achieve.

To get offended is easy, but to forgive is within your power as you walk in His steps.

The Crazy Cycle is, indeed, “the evil of folly and the foolishness of madness” (Ecclesiastes 7:25).

If a husband chooses to be a peacemaker--taking the needs and concerns of his wife totally into account during any kind of argument or conflict--his wife will be motivated in turn to respond to his authority during stalemates.

There is a plan to parent God’s way, even when our children may seek to go their own way at time. The secret is to follow this plan regardless. When you do, I believe you succeed in His eyes.

We get on the Crazy Cycle because without love a wife reacts without respect, and without respect a husband reacts without love.

No matter how difficult your spouse may be at the moment, your spouse does not have control over your reaction; you do. You may be experiencing disappointment, frustration, or anger, but you always have a choice.

You must “ask God from the wealth of his glory to give you power through his Spirit to be strong in your inner selves.”

Don’t conclude that your spouse is wrong when he/she is seeking to do the right and righteous thing.

This is the Rewarded Cycle: His love blesses regardless of her respect and her respect blesses regardless of his love.

When a husband chooses to come across lovingly even though he feels disrespected, he can prevent the Crazy Cycle from spinning and possibly getting out of control.

Positive changes flood a relationship immediately when both husband and wife cancel the blame game!

A major step toward a happy marriage is accepting differences and working them out with love and respect.

Trust God when the “why’s” of life threaten to overwhelm you.

To build a lasting legacy, use proven wisdom that you glean from the Lord.

When you come home after you have been apart, the first few moments of reconnecting will set the tone for the rest of the evening.

He will feel appreciated when you recognize his problem-solving approach as his male brand of empathy.

God’s commands are not burdensome, but are given to us to spare us from more pain. Why would God command you to do something that doesn’t work?

Your spouse deserves the truth from you. Do your best to tell it with love and respect.

When you play the blame game your marriage never wins.

The woman absolutely needs love, and the man absolutely needs respect. It’s as simple- and as difficult- as that.

Don’t pressure yourself with perfection. We are going to fail. A righteous man falls 7 times but gets back up.

Thank God for joining you together and for allowing you to trust Him to help you, whatever the issue. God is there for you and expects you to look to Him to keep you together as a team, so ask Him for His help in the smallest of concerns. “So they are no longer two, but one flesh. What therefore God has joined together, let no man separate.” (Matthew 19:6)

The mature one in the marriage seldom moves second.

If we subscribe to the belief that because we are equal we are the same, then we’re going to expect our spouse to respond the way we do.

A strong woman of dignity puts on respect out of her love and reverence for Jesus Christ. She trusts that His word not only protects and empowers her, but also rewards her with incomprehensible eternal blessings.

You must distinguish between “I can’t” and “I won’t.”

Thank the Lord that in the very beginning He created them male and female – Blue and Pink. Ask Him for patience and ever-growing understanding of how men and women see and hear differently. “He created them male and female, and He blessed them.” (Genesis 5:2)

Clearly, in the marriage, in the family and in the household, when you speak words of blessing, you are speaking to the Lord, and for this you will be rewarded.

Do you believe that there is a God who really loves you and wants to help you?

A wife has one driving need: to feel loved. When that need is met, she is happy. A husband has one driving need: to feel respected. When that need is met, he is happy. When either of these needs isn’t met, things get crazy with conflict.

A wife has one driving need--to feel loved. When that need is met she is happy. A husband has one driving need--to feel respected. When that need is met he is happy. When either of these needs isn’t met, things get crazy. Love and Respect reveals why spouses react negatively to each other, and how they can deal with such conflict quickly, easily and biblically.

Both Judas and Peter denied Jesus Christ, but there is a huge difference between a Judas and a Peter.

Marriage is a tool and a test to deepen and demonstrate your love and your reverence for Jesus Christ.

Husbands, to energize your wife give her face-to-face time, allowing her to talk and share her feelings.

It is crucial for a husband and wife to see that neither one is wrong, but both of them are very different--in body function, outlook and perspective.

The moment we cry to Him for help, He is already pleased. He gives us strength to love our children.

It is hard to be negative while being thankful.

A most significant point of this book is this: If what we think is true, kind, necessary, and clear, we need to have the courage to hit send. This isn’t about refraining from speaking; this is about speaking.

The Lord made women (Pink) and men (Blue) with differences, and He expects us to recognize and deal with those differences in a loving and respectful way.

As a wife, if you can start to understand how important your husband’s work is to him, you will take a giant step toward communicating respect and honor, two things that he values even more than your love.

His love blesses regardless of her respect; her respect blesses regardless of his love.

No matter what your struggle- criticism, constant conflict, sex, money, parenting, harsh words- learning to communicate the Love and Respect way can help you make crucial changes and build the kind of relationship that God blesses.

When a wife insists that her husband earn her respect, she puts him in a lose-lose situation.

Every marriage includes trouble some of the time. Do not let the 20% leaven all the rest.

A woman needs love like she needs air to breathe. A man needs respect like he needs air to breathe.

You have to become proactive, rather than just trying to stop the reactive.

Getting married reveals, usually sooner than later, an incontestable fact: your spouse cannot possibly meet all your needs and desires

I had often asked God to compensate for my mistakes, but in return had I thought He would give me perfect children?

Unconditional respect, like unconditional love, is all about how one sounds (tone of voice and word choice) and appears (facial expressions and physical actions).

Although the Crazy Cycle is not what God intends for any marriage, all couples get on it at times from one degree to another.

Do you seek to understand or only to be understood?

Love and Respect is a faith venture, not a formula.

The parent-child relationship is as easy, and as difficult, as love and respect.

You both forgive for one simple but profound reason: because you know Christ has forgiven you!

Share what God is saying to your heart, not what you think He needs to say to your mate.

When we speak before we think, we widen the chances the other person(s) will be notably hurt, frustrated, confused, angry, fearful, or offended by something we’ve communicated.

Life is too short to fuss and fret over trivial irritations.

Always remember that Pink and Blue have different wiring, different preferences. Assume your spouse has goodwill toward you, no matter what. Both of you can be right, while being different.

Often the apparent issue isn’t the real issue; the real issue is always a matter of love or respect.

When the wife flatly says her husband will have to earn her respect before she gives him any, she leaves the husband in a lose-lose situation. Now he is responsible for both love and respect in the relationship. He must unconditionally love his wife and earn her respect.

If you want your wife to express appreciation for your attempts to be loving, you must use thankful words when she tries to speak or act respectfully.

It’s crucial to communicate with the right tone of voice and the right expression on your face.

Always see your mate as an ally. Feedback is of little use if you see your spouse as an enemy. Giving and receiving constructive feedback is based on feelings of goodwill in both partners. Both of you need to remember that, even if you don’t always agree and even if you become irritated or angry, you are friends, and neither of you means to hurt the other.

We can communicate the truth in the best of manners, but the person may be so insecure he or she can only react and attack like a wounded bear.

He will feel appreciated when you disagree with him only in private and honor his authority in front of the kids.

The difference between successful couples and unsuccessful couples is that successful ones keep getting up and dealing with the issues.

Your spouse has a need that you don’t have. Are you going to say there is something seriously wrong with them or will you say “Viva la Difference”?

Women give a report to build rapport. Men bond through shoulder-to-shoulder activities without talking.

It’s true that women have intuition and that men should listen to them. It’s also true that women have blind spots and need the insight of their husbands.

We are equal but we are not the same.

Marital researchers agree that a huge percentage of communication problems between husband and wife are due not to what is said but to how it is said – the attitude and tone of voice.

Your position in Christ is what counts, not your less-than-perfect performance.

God is good and wants what is best for us.

With a better understanding of God’s promises, you will be on your way to a renewed mind and a changed life.

She’s not wrong for not being male. He is not wrong for not being female. When you put pink and blue together, you get purple, the color of royalty; the color of God. Together, a husband and wife reflect God’s image.

So I encourage every husband and wife to commit to the Jesus Way of Talking. Instead of allowing the stress of the situation to control you, you can say to yourself, “Because I love the Lord and I know that He rewards every good word, I am going to be truthful even if my spouse is not. I will also be uplifting, forgiving, thankful and scriptural in my speech because my ultimate goal is to please the Lord. Whatever my spouse’s weaknesses or bad habits might be, I will not let them cause me to sin with my lips.”

Wives, you never know: The way you handle this [conflict] might bring your husband not only back to you, but to God. Husbands, you never know: The way you handle this [conflict] might bring your wife not only back to you, but to God. (1 Corinthians 7:16)

When parents genuinely trust and follow the Lord and His ways, their faith spills over onto the children.

Just because you may feel unloved or disrespected does not mean your spouse is sending that message.

Be a part of the solution, not part of the problem.

It’s so easy to dismiss our spouse as childish because we don’t have the same vulnerabilities they do.

If you want your husband to express appreciation for your attempts to be respectful, you must speak thankfully when he tries to be loving.

When you relinquish an offense, you need to send that offense somewhere. So follow Jesus’ example and release it to your heavenly Father.

Your wife will feel esteemed when you speak highly of her in front of others.

Will we decide how we see God based on our circumstances, or will we see our circumstances in light of how we view God?

Knowing my spouse will not be able to love or respect me perfectly, I commit to having a forgiving spirit so that I may never speak hatefully or contemptuously.

Our research shows that couples who pray together are more apt to reap all kinds of benefits, including better and more frequent communication, going on “dates” more frequently and having sex more frequently.

As a husband, if you can grasp that you don’t always have to solve your wife’s problems, you will take a giant step toward showing her empathy and understanding.

Stay the course regardless of the child’s respect and obedience. This is the Family Rewarded Cycle: a parents love unto Christ regardless of the child.

Can you begin to trust that God feels love for you even when you don’t feel that love?

When you love or respect unconditionally regardless of the outcome, you are following God and His will for you.

Your marriage is a tool and a test to deepen and demonstrate your love and reverence for Jesus Christ. God is using your spouse to bring you an eternal reward.