Building Blocks Workbook (Download)

To stay the course in speaking words of Love and Respect, keep your heart in Scripture, trusting in and talking about His promises to help you.

Don’t conclude that your spouse is wrong when he/she is seeking to do the right and righteous thing.

Every marriage includes trouble some of the time. Do not let the 20% leaven all the rest.

Though the end can be worthy (to be loved and respected), when each uses unholy means (unloving and disrespectful words and actions), it will not achieve those ends. We must treat others as we expect them to treat us. To deny this makes us arrogant or fools, or both.

Wives, you never know: The way you handle this [conflict] might bring your husband not only back to you, but to God. Husbands, you never know: The way you handle this [conflict] might bring your wife not only back to you, but to God. (1 Corinthians 7:16)

When a husband chooses to do or say something loving, and that includes saying, ‘I’m sorry for coming across in an unloving way,’ he energizes his wife. When a wife decides to express herself respectfully, and that includes apologizing for her disrespectful attitude, she energizes her husband.

A husband may deserve contempt, but that doesn’t win him any more than harshness and anger wins the heart of a woman.

Often both spouses have goodwill but are not deciphering each other’s code. She criticizes out of love, but he “hears” only disrespect. He distances himself to prevent feelings from escalating, which is the honorable thing to do, but she “sees” only his failure to be loving!

One thing to remember in this culture is if we say something complimentary towards one gender, we aren’t saying something against the other.

Troubles over sex and money do not cause a marriage to go under. The lack of love and respect during conflict cause the marriage to go under.

Money squabbles don’t undermine love and respect; they simply reveal unloving and disrespectful attitudes, which are the real reason why a marriage can start to wobble on the Crazy Cycle.

You can be right but wrong at the top of your voice.

Life is too short to fuss and fret over trivial irritations.

I had often asked God to compensate for my mistakes, but in return had I thought He would give me perfect children?

No matter how difficult your spouse may be at the moment, your spouse does not have control over your reaction; you do. You may be experiencing disappointment, frustration or anger, but you always have a choice. A wife can choose to be disrespectful or respectful. A husband can choose to be unloving or loving.

Your spouse may meet many of your needs, but your deepest dependency should be on your Lord.

I have concluded that those of us in the church who believe we have the Truth are not using the whole truth. A crucial part of God’s Word has been completely ignored, or perhaps simply gone unnoticed, when it has been there right under our noses the whole time! Many Christian spouses know Ephesians 5:33 and can at least paraphrase it. The Apostle Paul tells husbands to love their wives as much as they love themselves, and wives are to respect their husbands. But is anyone really listening? Perhaps the first step to better communication between husband and wife is to hear what God’s Word clearly says. --Emerson

The parent-child relationship is as easy, and as difficult, as love and respect.

Above all trust God when the “whys” of life threaten to overwhelm you.

Self-interest should never come ahead of your spouse’s interests.

We have different vulnerabilities. We can pass judgment on one another all day long or we can say God made us different and that’s ok.

The Crazy Cycle is, indeed, “the evil of folly and the foolishness of madness” (Ecclesiastes 7:25).

Your spouse can affect you, but your spouse does not control you.

“Respect is a man’s deepest value. I have had numerous men tell me, ‘I would rather live with a wife who respected me but did not love me than live with a wife who loved me but did not respect me.’ These men are not saying that they are indifferent to love. They know they need love, but they need to feel respected even more than they need to feel loved.“

We might say that every negative action in the family has an equal and opposite negative reaction.

Since it is easy to focus on the negative, focus on your mate’s good qualities and express thanks with positive words of Love or Respect.

When a husband feels disrespected, it is especially hard to love his wife. When a wife feels unloved, it is especially hard to respect her husband.

God designed the woman to love. He’s not going to command her to agape her husband when He created her to do that in the first place. God is not into redundancy.

When you relinquish an offense, you need to send that offense somewhere. So follow Jesus’ example and release it to your heavenly Father.

When we speak before we think, we widen the chances the other person(s) will be notably hurt, frustrated, confused, angry, fearful, or offended by something we’ve communicated.

There is a plan to parent God’s way, even when our children may seek to go their own way at time. The secret is to follow this plan regardless. When you do, I believe you succeed in His eyes.

Just because you may feel unloved or disrespected does not mean your spouse is sending that message.

A parent needs to feel respected, especially during conflicts...A child need to feel loved, especially during disputes.

Being a person who communicates what is true frequently demands tact, and at times it can feel like sidestepping land mines. It takes work to be both truthful and tactful.

You may believe that the careless, unloving or disrespectful words you speak are because your spouse is causing you to speak this way, but Jesus says that it is coming out of your heart.

Do you give yourself grace and your spouse judgment?

Your position in Christ is what counts, not your less-than-perfect performance.

Your marriage is really a tool and a test to deepen and demonstrate your love and reverence for your Lord.

If you are seeking positive change in your marriage, you will need to make a positive change in your attitude and actions.

“You can be right, but wrong at the top of your voice.”

When evil comes at you, you’re the one who makes the choice of whether or not it is going to go into you.

A wife has one driving need: to feel loved. When that need is met, she is happy. A husband has one driving need: to feel respected. When that need is met, he is happy. When either of these needs isn’t met, things get crazy with conflict.

Research shows that 70% of the couples who were extremely unhappy in their marriage, but hung in there and worked through the tough time, identified themselves as being very happy five years later.

Always see your mate as an ally. Feedback is of little use if you see your spouse as an enemy. Giving and receiving constructive feedback is based on feelings of goodwill in both partners. Both of you need to remember that, even if you don’t always agree and even if you become irritated or angry, you are friends, and neither of you means to hurt the other.

When others do not respond to our communication, we need to look first at our communication style. Is the other person incapable of hearing what we have to say? Or are we abrupt, brusque, and curt?

With a better understanding of God’s promises, you will be on your way to a renewed mind and a changed life.

To get offended is easy, but to forgive is within your power as you walk in His steps.

We all need love and respect equally. But, during conflict our felt needs are as different as pink is from blue.

Assuming goodwill can be revolutionary in relationships.

Your spouse has a need that you don’t have. Are you going to say there is something seriously wrong with them or will you say “Viva la Difference”?

Whose voice are you listening to: Hollywood or God’s Holy Word?

His love motivates her respect. Her respect motivates his love.

We blame people for the bad things we do, but take credit for the good things we do.

When you love or respect unconditionally regardless of the outcome, you are following God and His will for you.

He will feel appreciated when you disagree with him only in private and honor his authority in front of the kids.

You can be right in the argument, but wrong in your approach.

Respect for the husband is just as important as love for the wife.

A man has a natural, inborn desire to go out and “conquer” the challenges of his world – to work and achieve.

Being friendly to her man is one of the most effective things a woman can do to strengthen her marriage.

Thank the Lord that in the very beginning He created them male and female – Blue and Pink. Ask Him for patience and ever-growing understanding of how men and women see and hear differently. “He created them male and female, and He blessed them.” (Genesis 5:2)

She’s not wrong for not being male. He is not wrong for not being female. When you put pink and blue together, you get purple, the color of royalty; the color of God. Together, a husband and wife reflect God’s image.

You cannot use unholy means to achieve a worthy end.

We easily see what is done to us before we see what we are doing to our mate.

Never give up. If you want to have a strong marriage, you need to accept temporary setbacks as part of the game.

The woman absolutely needs love, and the man absolutely needs respect. It’s as simple- and as difficult- as that.

Husbands primarily want to hear ‘respect” talk during conflict. Wives primarily want to hear “love” talk during conflict.

Thank the Lord for all the trouble-free moments in which you and your spouse enjoy Him, each other, your family, your ministry and life as a whole. Ask Him for the strength to accept your measure of trouble, and the wisdom to deal with the annoyances and irritations by loving and respecting each other with new commitment. (You may also want to pray about troubles at work, at church, with the children…) “But those who marry will have trouble in this life” (1 Corinthians 7:28)

[Women], your self-love cannot be derived from your husband’s love. It can affect it, but it does not determine it.

Husbands, to energize your wife give her face-to-face time, allowing her to talk and share her feelings.

How we react to a situation reveals more about us than about the other person.

[Women], as you enter quiet dignity, not preaching at your husband or scolding him as though you were his mother, something happens in his soul as a male.

Clarifying is what you do before you step on your mate’s air hose and deflate his or her spirit. For example, you are having a typical conversation, but you can tell there is a misunderstanding. One of you isn’t being clear or isn’t hearing correctly. Then and there you clarify the misunderstanding before your spouse’s spirit deflates. You lovingly or respectfully clarify matters so that your spouse will not feel unloved or disrespected. The reason you take pains to clarify a seemingly small matter is to prevent the situation from becoming a love and respect issue that needs decoding. Clarifying is what you do to stay off the Crazy Cycle and keep positive, energetic feelings flowing between the two of you, to keep yourselves on the Energizing Cycle.

Fight like a loving man and a respectful woman. Fight fair.

The heart of my communication means the other person cannot get my heart to be unkind, unloving, or disrespectful. Instead, I have made a decision about who I will be independent of the other person. I won’t blame my unkindness on someone else.

God rewards your obedience to love and respect, even if your spouse does not respond!

You have to become proactive, rather than just trying to stop the reactive.

Most marriages will succeed when obeying the command to Love and Respect.

As mature men, we need to take leadership and put this out on the table. We must acknowledge our feelings- we need to feel respected. However, as we do this we must acknowledge our wife’s feelings- she needs to feel loved!

When parents genuinely trust and follow the Lord and His ways, their faith spills over onto the children.

Unconditional respect means we confront their wrongdoings respectfully. We do not become uncivil because they are. Who they fail to be does not determine who we will be.

Marriage is a tool and a test to allow God’s will to be revealed in our lives.

“With eyes of faith, envision Jesus standing just beyond the shoulder of your spouse and listening to every word you speak in every conversation, pleasant or tense. When you speak lovingly or respectfully to your spouse, you are speaking to Christ. Your spouse just happens to be there too.” This truth has sanctified the lips of many. Instead of giving their spouse a verbal whipping or choking on the idea of saying anything positive, now some spouses are motivated to speak words of unconditional love or respect.

When a wife feels unloved, it can be such a shock to her heart that she is oblivious to her disrespectful reactions toward her husband, though any man watching could see it plainly.

You speak lovingly or respectfully no matter how your spouse may speak to you in return. Your spouse is not the reason--good or bad--why you speak unconditional words of love or respect. God is the reason, and as you depend on Him, you will become increasingly able to speak lovingly and respectfully to your spouse.

When a husband chooses to come across lovingly even though he feels disrespected, he can prevent the Crazy Cycle from spinning and possibly getting out of control.

This is the Rewarded Cycle: His love blesses regardless of her respect and her respect blesses regardless of his love.

Always try to look at your spouse the way Jesus does.

God is good and wants what is best for us.

Just because you’re offended doesn’t mean the other person is offensive.

Do you understand that God feels compassion for you, no matter what you have done or what your circumstances may be?

His love blesses regardless of her respect; her respect blesses regardless of his love.

Each of you must focus on what God is calling you to do toward your spouse. Do not focus on what you think God is calling your spouse to do toward you.

We get on the Crazy Cycle because without love a wife reacts without respect, and without respect a husband reacts without love.

You can experience hurt, but it is your choice to hate.

Trusting and obeying God’s Word because we love and reverence God never, ever makes us a hypocrite! When the alarm goes off in the morning, we get up, even when we don’t feel like it getting up. Because we do what we don’t feel like doing, does that make us hypocrites? No, it’s a sign we are responsible people. Showing respectful behavior when we don’t “feel respectful” is evidence of maturity.

I often stress that one of the greatest rewards any persevering spouse can have is being a good example and influence on the children in the family.

Marriage is a test of how you unconditionally love and respect your spouse as you obey, honor, and please the Lord.

Do you believe that there is a God who really loves you and wants to help you?

Truth will carry its own weight if delivered respectfully and lovingly.

A strong woman of dignity puts on respect out of her love and reverence for Jesus Christ. She trusts that His word not only protects and empowers her, but also rewards her with incomprehensible eternal blessings.