Love and Respect Coaster (6) Set

Mutual understanding, not communication, is the key to a healthy marriage relationship.

You have to become proactive, rather than just trying to stop the reactive.

Ladies, be careful. “A nagging wife goes on and on like the drip, drip, drip of the rain” (Proverbs 19:13).

Knowing my spouse will not be able to love or respect me perfectly, I commit to having a forgiving spirit so that I may never speak hatefully or contemptuously.

Words of love from a husband are like good medicine that brings life to the marriage.

There is a discrepancy between who we want to be and see ourselves to be and how we actually sound in voice and writing. But with self-reflection and honesty, we can turn the corner and improve our communication. We need only evaluate what we are about to communicate.

God’s commands are not burdensome, but are given to us to spare us from more pain. Why would God command you to do something that doesn’t work?

At the very bottom of things, in every case and in every conversation, you can do your marriage a huge favor by assuming she is seeking to feel loved or he is seeking to feel respected and give your spouse some grace!

Your spouse may meet many of your needs, but your deepest dependency should be on your Lord.

Assume goodwill about the person you are in conflict with.

Trust God when the “why’s” of life threaten to overwhelm you.

Don’t pressure yourself with perfection. We are going to fail. A righteous man falls 7 times but gets back up.

Whose voice are you listening to: Hollywood or God’s Holy Word?

To stay the course in speaking words of Love and Respect, keep your heart in Scripture, trusting in and talking about His promises to help you.

His love blesses regardless of her respect; her respect blesses regardless of his love.

It’s so easy to dismiss our spouse as childish because we don’t have the same vulnerabilities they do.

[Women], your self-love cannot be derived from your husband’s love. It can affect it, but it does not determine it.

Parenting is a faith venture. As we parent “unto Christ” we reap God’s reward, “knowing that whatever good anyone does, he will receive the same from the Lord” (Eph. 6:8 NKJV)

As mature men, we need to take leadership and put this out on the table. We must acknowledge our feelings- we need to feel respected. However, as we do this we must acknowledge our wife’s feelings- she needs to feel loved!

When you look to God and His Word as your ultimate source of significance and security, you don’t demand that your spouse take that role in your life. And as you draw strength from the Lord individually, He draws you closer together as a couple.

Responding to offensive words or actions with your own offensive words and actions is damaging and unproductive.

Don’t label each other as bad because you differ on how you solve your troubles.

Do you believe that there is a God who really loves you and wants to help you?

Don’t conclude that your spouse is wrong when he/she is seeking to do the right and righteous thing.

We are worth Jesus to the Father.

It’s crucial to communicate with the right tone of voice and the right expression on your face.

Just because you may feel unloved or disrespected does not mean your spouse is sending that message.

Can you begin to trust that God feels love for you even when you don’t feel that love?

Our research shows that couples who pray together are more apt to reap all kinds of benefits, including better and more frequent communication, going on “dates” more frequently and having sex more frequently.

Mistakes can’t be undone, but they can be forgiven.

Be quick to listen and understand and you have a much better chance of being understood.

Thank God for joining you together and for allowing you to trust Him to help you, whatever the issue. God is there for you and expects you to look to Him to keep you together as a team, so ask Him for His help in the smallest of concerns. “So they are no longer two, but one flesh. What therefore God has joined together, let no man separate.” (Matthew 19:6)

You’re the only person in the world who can meet your spouse’s deepest need for love and respect. After all, you alone are married to your spouse.

Thank the Lord for all the trouble-free moments in which you and your spouse enjoy Him, each other, your family, your ministry and life as a whole. Ask Him for the strength to accept your measure of trouble, and the wisdom to deal with the annoyances and irritations by loving and respecting each other with new commitment. (You may also want to pray about troubles at work, at church, with the children…) “But those who marry will have trouble in this life” (1 Corinthians 7:28)

Always remember that Pink and Blue have different wiring, different preferences. Assume your spouse has goodwill toward you, no matter what. Both of you can be right, while being different.

A most significant point of this book is this: If what we think is true, kind, necessary, and clear, we need to have the courage to hit send. This isn’t about refraining from speaking; this is about speaking.

Thank God for His forgiveness of your mistakes. In trying to be a loving man or a respectful woman, we blow it. Owning up to mistakes is never easy, but it is always the way to move forward. Take good care not to accuse your spouse of mistakes as you pray. Also, pray about any forgiving to be done in the family, any forgiveness that needs to be asked. Children may need forgiveness (and what about Mom and Dad?). “There is no one on earth who does what is right all the time and never makes a mistake.” (Ecclesiastes 7:20)

Good intentions do not always produce good words or outcomes.

Clarifying is what you do before you step on your mate’s air hose and deflate his or her spirit. For example, you are having a typical conversation, but you can tell there is a misunderstanding. One of you isn’t being clear or isn’t hearing correctly. Then and there you clarify the misunderstanding before your spouse’s spirit deflates. You lovingly or respectfully clarify matters so that your spouse will not feel unloved or disrespected. The reason you take pains to clarify a seemingly small matter is to prevent the situation from becoming a love and respect issue that needs decoding. Clarifying is what you do to stay off the Crazy Cycle and keep positive, energetic feelings flowing between the two of you, to keep yourselves on the Energizing Cycle.

Your marriage is really a tool and a test to deepen and demonstrate your love and reverence for your Lord.

Unconditional respect is as powerful to him as unconditional love is to her.

Pink and Blue perceptions not only affect seeing, they affect hearing as well. Women hear with pink hearing aids and men hear with blue hearing aids. Even more important to understand as you and your spouse seek to gain better communication, you can hear the very same words, but each of you will hear different messages.

Recognize your different gifts--how each of you (Pink and Blue) functions according to God’s perfect design.

Unconditional respect means we confront their wrongdoings respectfully. We do not become uncivil because they are. Who they fail to be does not determine who we will be.

I often stress that one of the greatest rewards any persevering spouse can have is being a good example and influence on the children in the family.

I had often asked God to compensate for my mistakes, but in return had I thought He would give me perfect children?

Will we decide how we see God based on our circumstances, or will we see our circumstances in light of how we view God?

The Crazy Cycle is, indeed, “the evil of folly and the foolishness of madness” (Ecclesiastes 7:25).

Accidental sparks (unwise remarks) ignite and fuel a fire, and vroom goes the Crazy Cycle.

[Husbands] as the church places her burdens on Christ, so a woman needs to place her burdens on her husband. When she shares with you, don’t assume she is asking you to solve the problem. Ask your wife, “Do you want a solution or a listening ear?”

Wives, to energize your husband do an activity with him, shoulder-to-shoulder, without talking.

A husband may deserve contempt, but that doesn’t win him any more than harshness and anger wins the heart of a woman.

The more we are upset at something, the wiser it is to let twenty-four hours pass before responding.

We have different vulnerabilities. We can pass judgment on one another all day long or we can say God made us different and that’s ok.

Do you seek to understand or only to be understood?

If we subscribe to the belief that because we are equal we are the same, then we’re going to expect our spouse to respond the way we do.

Before hitting send, ask yourself, "Have I listened carefully and understand the exact issue on the table?"

When you’re truly Christ-centered, instead of child-centered, you will be a more effective parent in the long run.

When we feel crippling discouragement by the sinful choices and outcomes of our kids, we must not let this permanently deter us from parenting God’s way.

As strong and powerful as marriage bonds can become, our deepest dependency must be on the Lord, not another human being.

I have concluded that those of us in the church who believe we have the Truth are not using the whole truth. A crucial part of God’s Word has been completely ignored, or perhaps simply gone unnoticed, when it has been there right under our noses the whole time! Many Christian spouses know Ephesians 5:33 and can at least paraphrase it. The Apostle Paul tells husbands to love their wives as much as they love themselves, and wives are to respect their husbands. But is anyone really listening? Perhaps the first step to better communication between husband and wife is to hear what God’s Word clearly says. --Emerson

As a wife, if you can start to understand how important your husband’s work is to him, you will take a giant step toward communicating respect and honor, two things that he values even more than your love.

Through Jesus and Peter, God set forth His standard for living in the unconditional dimension: choose to be loving even when the other person is not; do what is right regardless of the treatment you receive. I believe this standard applies directly to marriage. A husband who speaks lovingly to his disrespectful wife will be rewarded; and a wife who speaks respectfully to her unloving, not-worthy-of-respect husband will be rewarded. Whether you are husband or wife, the reward is what can keep you going in the midst of the craziness: knowing that God commends you, knowing that you have found his favor for your words and actions.

She’s not wrong for not being male. He is not wrong for not being female. When you put pink and blue together, you get purple, the color of royalty; the color of God. Together, a husband and wife reflect God’s image.

When parents genuinely trust and follow the Lord and His ways, their faith spills over onto the children.

A man has a natural, inborn desire to go out and “conquer” the challenges of his world – to work and achieve.

Unconditional respect, like unconditional love, is all about how one sounds (tone of voice and word choice) and appears (facial expressions and physical actions).

Being a person who communicates what is true frequently demands tact, and at times it can feel like sidestepping land mines. It takes work to be both truthful and tactful.

We fool ourselves into thinking the other person causes us to be the way we are. They really don’t! But if we lock into that idea, we become helpless, hopeless victims.

When there is confusion, I try to refrain from attacking another for not listening carefully (which may not be the case). Instead, I take a run at communicating again, but more clearly.

It is so easy to draw wrong conclusions about a spouse’s character and motives due to an occasional flare-up or silly comment.

Marriage is a test of how you unconditionally love and respect your spouse as you obey, honor, and please the Lord.

When your wife comes to talk to you, listen to her. Realize she is coming to you because you matter more to her than anyone else. She has certain emotional needs and only you can meet them. Sometimes she may say things that don’t make sense to you and she is apt to misspeak and exaggerate when she is upset, but don’t put her down. Instead, listen to her heart. Give her a chance to express her concerns and, as she does so, don’t try to fix her. Don’t give her your solutions unless she asks for them.

God designed the woman to love. He’s not going to command her to agape her husband when He created her to do that in the first place. God is not into redundancy.

When we speak before we think, we widen the chances the other person(s) will be notably hurt, frustrated, confused, angry, fearful, or offended by something we’ve communicated.

There is a plan to parent God’s way, even when our children may seek to go their own way at time. The secret is to follow this plan regardless. When you do, I believe you succeed in His eyes.

To not forgive is to shoot yourself in the foot and put extra gas in the Crazy Cycle.

When a wife asks, “Do you love me?” She is not trying to put her husband on the spot. She is simply looking for reassurance.

Most marriages will succeed when obeying the command to Love and Respect.

Mutual submission is the only way to live fairly together with mutual authority.

God’s commands are there to help us, not to hinder us or hold us back as male and female.

“You can be right, but wrong at the top of your voice.”

You cannot use unholy means to achieve a worthy end.

The difference between successful couples and unsuccessful couples is that successful ones keep getting up and dealing with the issues.

Marriage is a tool and a test to allow God’s will to be revealed in our lives.

If you are seeking positive change in your marriage, you will need to make a positive change in your attitude and actions.

Words of Love or Respect must uplift your spouse, edifying- never manipulating him or her.

Truth will carry its own weight if delivered respectfully and lovingly.

We have to step back as Christ followers and ask, “Do I have false expectations that my relationship should be romantic 99% of the time?”

Let the Lord change you, but don’t try to change each other.

It’s true that women have intuition and that men should listen to them. It’s also true that women have blind spots and need the insight of their husbands.

Words of wisdom for all husbands and wives are these: We easily see what is done to us before we see what we are doing to our mate.

Above all trust God when the “whys” of life threaten to overwhelm you.

When a wife feels unloved, it can be such a shock to her heart that she is oblivious to her disrespectful reactions toward her husband, though any man watching could see it plainly.

You can experience hurt, but it is your choice to hate.

The parent-child relationship is as easy, and as difficult, as love and respect.

Always see your mate as an ally. Feedback is of little use if you see your spouse as an enemy. Giving and receiving constructive feedback is based on feelings of goodwill in both partners. Both of you need to remember that, even if you don’t always agree and even if you become irritated or angry, you are friends, and neither of you means to hurt the other.

We get on the Crazy Cycle because without love a wife reacts without respect, and without respect a husband reacts without love.

When evil comes at you, you’re the one who makes the choice of whether or not it is going to go into you.

Getting married reveals, usually sooner than later, an incontestable fact: your spouse cannot possibly meet all your needs and desires