Love and Respect Coaster (6) Set

How we react to a situation reveals more about us than about the other person.

We get on the Crazy Cycle because without love a wife reacts without respect, and without respect a husband reacts without love.

When a husband chooses to do or say something loving, and that includes saying, ‘I’m sorry for coming across in an unloving way,’ he energizes his wife. When a wife decides to express herself respectfully, and that includes apologizing for her disrespectful attitude, she energizes her husband.

Although the Crazy Cycle is not what God intends for any marriage, all couples get on it at times from one degree to another.

When sorting out how to slow down the Crazy Cycle, it helps to remember that men are commanded to love because they don’t love naturally, and on the other side, women are commanded to respect because they don’t respect naturally.

Accentuate the positive and eliminate the negative with lots of love and respect in between.

Though the end can be worthy (to be loved and respected), when each uses unholy means (unloving and disrespectful words and actions), it will not achieve those ends. We must treat others as we expect them to treat us. To deny this makes us arrogant or fools, or both.

We are either going to give in the darkness or we are going to give into the darkness.

Each of you must focus on what God is calling you to do toward your spouse. Do not focus on what you think God is calling your spouse to do toward you.

The Love and Respect message is not about a husband earning his wife’s respect by being more loving any more than it is about a wife earning her husband’s love by being more respectful. Always love or respect is given unconditionally according to God’s commands.

Ladies, be careful. “A nagging wife goes on and on like the drip, drip, drip of the rain” (Proverbs 19:13).

Clarifying is what you do before you step on your mate’s air hose and deflate his or her spirit. For example, you are having a typical conversation, but you can tell there is a misunderstanding. One of you isn’t being clear or isn’t hearing correctly. Then and there you clarify the misunderstanding before your spouse’s spirit deflates. You lovingly or respectfully clarify matters so that your spouse will not feel unloved or disrespected. The reason you take pains to clarify a seemingly small matter is to prevent the situation from becoming a love and respect issue that needs decoding. Clarifying is what you do to stay off the Crazy Cycle and keep positive, energetic feelings flowing between the two of you, to keep yourselves on the Energizing Cycle.

When you play the blame game your marriage never wins.

Words of wisdom for all husbands and wives are these: We easily see what is done to us before we see what we are doing to our mate.

Unconditional respect is as powerful to him as unconditional love is to her.

Don’t conclude that your spouse is wrong when he/she is seeking to do the right and righteous thing.

[Husbands] as the church places her burdens on Christ, so a woman needs to place her burdens on her husband. When she shares with you, don’t assume she is asking you to solve the problem. Ask your wife, “Do you want a solution or a listening ear?”

So I encourage every husband and wife to commit to the Jesus Way of Talking. Instead of allowing the stress of the situation to control you, you can say to yourself, “Because I love the Lord and I know that He rewards every good word, I am going to be truthful even if my spouse is not. I will also be uplifting, forgiving, thankful and scriptural in my speech because my ultimate goal is to please the Lord. Whatever my spouse’s weaknesses or bad habits might be, I will not let them cause me to sin with my lips.”

God is not pink. God is not blue. God is purple. When two become one, they have the potential of displaying God’s attributes and character.

Husbands, to energize your wife give her face-to-face time, allowing her to talk and share her feelings.

Your husband knows you appreciate his desire to protect and provide when you praise his commitment to provide for you. You empathize when he reveals his male mindset about position, status, or rank at work.

Parenting is a faith venture. As we parent “unto Christ” we reap God’s reward, “knowing that whatever good anyone does, he will receive the same from the Lord” (Eph. 6:8 NKJV)

Words of Love and Respect must include thankfulness spoken to or about your spouse; don’t fixate on weaknesses and faults.

Good intentions do not always produce good words or outcomes.

Your spouse may meet many of your needs, but your deepest dependency should be on your Lord.

As a wife, if you can start to understand how important your husband’s work is to him, you will take a giant step toward communicating respect and honor, two things that he values even more than your love.

Your words reveal your heart.

This is the Rewarded Cycle: His love blesses regardless of her respect and her respect blesses regardless of his love.

His love motivates her respect. Her respect motivates his love.

God is good and wants what is best for us.

The woman absolutely needs love, and the man absolutely needs respect. It’s as simple- and as difficult- as that.

I had often asked God to compensate for my mistakes, but in return had I thought He would give me perfect children?

We blame people for the bad things we do, but take credit for the good things we do.

Your spouse can affect you, but your spouse does not control you.

When a husband feels disrespected, it is especially hard to love his wife. When a wife feels unloved, it is especially hard to respect her husband.

Whose voice are you listening to: Hollywood or God’s Holy Word?

We send each other messages in “code” based on gender, even though we don’t intend to. What I say is not what you hear, and what you think you heard is not what I meant at all.

Always remember that Pink and Blue have different wiring, different preferences. Assume your spouse has goodwill toward you, no matter what. Both of you can be right, while being different.

We might say that every negative action in the family has an equal and opposite negative reaction.

A wife has one driving need: to feel loved. When that need is met, she is happy. A husband has one driving need: to feel respected. When that need is met, he is happy. When either of these needs isn’t met, things get crazy with conflict.

She’s not wrong for not being male. He is not wrong for not being female. When you put pink and blue together, you get purple, the color of royalty; the color of God. Together, a husband and wife reflect God’s image.

When the wife flatly says her husband will have to earn her respect before she gives him any, she leaves the husband in a lose-lose situation. Now he is responsible for both love and respect in the relationship. He must unconditionally love his wife and earn her respect.

If we subscribe to the belief that because we are equal we are the same, then we’re going to expect our spouse to respond the way we do.

You’re the only person in the world who can meet your spouse’s deepest need for love and respect. After all, you alone are married to your spouse.

Our research shows that couples who pray together are more apt to reap all kinds of benefits, including better and more frequent communication, going on “dates” more frequently and having sex more frequently.

The Crazy Cycle is, indeed, “the evil of folly and the foolishness of madness” (Ecclesiastes 7:25).

Don’t label each other as bad because you differ on how you solve your troubles.

Whether visiting a prison, feeding the hungry, giving the thirsty a drink or speaking a word of love or respect, everything is to be done to and for Christ.

Fight like a loving man and a respectful woman. Fight fair.

You have to become proactive, rather than just trying to stop the reactive.

Often both spouses have goodwill but are not deciphering each other’s code. She criticizes out of love, but he “hears” only disrespect. He distances himself to prevent feelings from escalating, which is the honorable thing to do, but she “sees” only his failure to be loving!

Just because you’re offended doesn’t mean the other person is offensive.

Focus on the positive in the midst of the negative, and the Energizing Cycle will keep right on humming.

Wives, you never know: The way you handle this [conflict] might bring your husband not only back to you, but to God. Husbands, you never know: The way you handle this [conflict] might bring your wife not only back to you, but to God. (1 Corinthians 7:16)

Clearly, in the marriage, in the family and in the household, when you speak words of blessing, you are speaking to the Lord, and for this you will be rewarded.

There is a plan to parent God’s way, even when our children may seek to go their own way at time. The secret is to follow this plan regardless. When you do, I believe you succeed in His eyes.

Your position in Christ is what counts, not your less-than-perfect performance.

Avoid like the plague trying to punish each other as a means of “motivation.” Christ-followers instinctively know that this destroys any opportunity to act out of reverence for Christ. In all marital issues, love and reverence for Christ must be our primary motivation.

[Husbands] the most powerful weapons you have are your ears. Just listen to your wife, and she is much more likely to feel understood.

When you come home after you have been apart, the first few moments of reconnecting will set the tone for the rest of the evening.

Assuming goodwill can be revolutionary in relationships.

The mature one in the marriage seldom moves second.

When you love or respect unconditionally regardless of the outcome, you are following God and His will for you.

The parent-child relationship is as easy, and as difficult, as love and respect.

You both forgive for one simple but profound reason: because you know Christ has forgiven you!

Share what God is saying to your heart, not what you think He needs to say to your mate.

Thank the Lord for all the trouble-free moments in which you and your spouse enjoy Him, each other, your family, your ministry and life as a whole. Ask Him for the strength to accept your measure of trouble, and the wisdom to deal with the annoyances and irritations by loving and respecting each other with new commitment. (You may also want to pray about troubles at work, at church, with the children…) “But those who marry will have trouble in this life” (1 Corinthians 7:28)

[Women], your self-love cannot be derived from your husband’s love. It can affect it, but it does not determine it.

Be friendly. Be friendly. Be friendly. Watch what happens.

He will feel appreciated when you recognize his problem-solving approach as his male brand of empathy.

When you’re truly Christ-centered, instead of child-centered, you will be a more effective parent in the long run.

It is hard to be negative while being thankful.

Do you seek to understand or only to be understood?

Be a part of the solution, not part of the problem.

Holding back your love or respect will just keep the Crazy Cycle spinning away, but being mature and making the first move could slow it down.

To not forgive is to shoot yourself in the foot and put extra gas in the Crazy Cycle.

It is so easy to draw wrong conclusions about a spouse’s character and motives due to an occasional flare-up or silly comment.

“With eyes of faith, envision Jesus standing just beyond the shoulder of your spouse and listening to every word you speak in every conversation, pleasant or tense. When you speak lovingly or respectfully to your spouse, you are speaking to Christ. Your spouse just happens to be there too.” This truth has sanctified the lips of many. Instead of giving their spouse a verbal whipping or choking on the idea of saying anything positive, now some spouses are motivated to speak words of unconditional love or respect.

God’s commands are not burdensome, but are given to us to spare us from more pain. Why would God command you to do something that doesn’t work?

She’ll feel at peace with you when you let her vent your frustrations and hurts and don’t get angry and close her off.

Your marriage is a tool and a test to deepen and demonstrate your love and reverence for Jesus Christ. God is using your spouse to bring you an eternal reward.

Unconditional love or respect is never wasted. Hang onto this promise: “Let us not lose heart in doing good, for in due time we will reap if we do not grow weary” (Galatians 6:9).

It’s true that women have intuition and that men should listen to them. It’s also true that women have blind spots and need the insight of their husbands.

When a husband chooses to come across lovingly even though he feels disrespected, he can prevent the Crazy Cycle from spinning and possibly getting out of control.

Your spouse deserves the truth from you. Do your best to tell it with love and respect.

When parents genuinely trust and follow the Lord and His ways, their faith spills over onto the children.

If a husband loves his wife as he should, she will feel honored and respected. If a wife respects her husband as she should, he will feel loved and appreciated. It’s a win-win.

As mature men, we need to take leadership and put this out on the table. We must acknowledge our feelings- we need to feel respected. However, as we do this we must acknowledge our wife’s feelings- she needs to feel loved!

Do you believe that there is a God who really loves you and wants to help you?

Being friendly to her man is one of the most effective things a woman can do to strengthen her marriage.

To stay the course in speaking words of Love and Respect, keep your heart in Scripture, trusting in and talking about His promises to help you.

Can you begin to trust that God feels love for you even when you don’t feel that love?

We have to step back as Christ followers and ask, “Do I have false expectations that my relationship should be romantic 99% of the time?”

Just because you may feel unloved or disrespected does not mean your spouse is sending that message.

When we speak before we think, we widen the chances the other person(s) will be notably hurt, frustrated, confused, angry, fearful, or offended by something we’ve communicated.

Self-interest should never come ahead of your spouse’s interests.

Could you be facing a crisis in faith more than a crisis in your marriage?

As strong and powerful as marriage bonds can become, our deepest dependency must be on the Lord, not another human being.

Both Judas and Peter denied Jesus Christ, but there is a huge difference between a Judas and a Peter.

Mistakes can’t be undone, but they can be forgiven.