The Crazy Cycle In The Workplace - Study Guide (Download)

When confronting your spouse, attack the behavior, not the person.

Wives, to energize your husband do an activity with him, shoulder-to-shoulder, without talking.

Assuming goodwill can be revolutionary in relationships.

Above all trust God when the “whys” of life threaten to overwhelm you.

Your marriage is a tool and a test to deepen and demonstrate your love and reverence for Jesus Christ. God is using your spouse to bring you an eternal reward.

A wife has one driving need--to feel loved. When that need is met she is happy. A husband has one driving need--to feel respected. When that need is met he is happy. When either of these needs isn’t met, things get crazy. Love and Respect reveals why spouses react negatively to each other, and how they can deal with such conflict quickly, easily and biblically.

Being a person who communicates what is true frequently demands tact, and at times it can feel like sidestepping land mines. It takes work to be both truthful and tactful.

Optimism or pessimism? It is always a choice, no matter what your natural temperament.

When sorting out how to slow down the Crazy Cycle, it helps to remember that men are commanded to love because they don’t love naturally, and on the other side, women are commanded to respect because they don’t respect naturally.

To stay the course in speaking words of Love and Respect, keep your heart in Scripture, trusting in and talking about His promises to help you.

We get on the Crazy Cycle because without love a wife reacts without respect, and without respect a husband reacts without love.

God’s commands are not burdensome, but are given to us to spare us from more pain. Why would God command you to do something that doesn’t work?

Holding back your love or respect will just keep the Crazy Cycle spinning away, but being mature and making the first move could slow it down.

Don’t conclude that your spouse is wrong when he/she is seeking to do the right and righteous thing.

Do you understand that God feels compassion for you, no matter what you have done or what your circumstances may be?

Be a part of the solution, not part of the problem.

The key to motivating another person is meeting their deepest need, especially during conflict.

When Jesus said “turn the other cheek,” He wasn’t saying to be passive wimps. He was teaching that physically people can control you but if you turn and give the other cheek, suddenly you’re in control and you’re making the choices.

You have to become proactive, rather than just trying to stop the reactive.

Your wife will feel esteemed when you speak highly of her in front of others.

When you possess a forgiving spirit, words of Love and Respect will flow authentically from your lips- and realize that the Lord Himself is listening to you at moments like these. He knows you are not powerless, but actually full of power that He has granted you.

We must bring our identity in Christ to our parenting—we must not derive our identity from our children.

Just because you may feel unloved or disrespected does not mean your spouse is sending that message.

Be quick to listen and understand and you have a much better chance of being understood.

Assume goodwill about the person you are in conflict with.

I have concluded that those of us in the church who believe we have the Truth are not using the whole truth. A crucial part of God’s Word has been completely ignored, or perhaps simply gone unnoticed, when it has been there right under our noses the whole time! Many Christian spouses know Ephesians 5:33 and can at least paraphrase it. The Apostle Paul tells husbands to love their wives as much as they love themselves, and wives are to respect their husbands. But is anyone really listening? Perhaps the first step to better communication between husband and wife is to hear what God’s Word clearly says. --Emerson

As mature men, we need to take leadership and put this out on the table. We must acknowledge our feelings- we need to feel respected. However, as we do this we must acknowledge our wife’s feelings- she needs to feel loved!

Research and experience prove that men and women see and hear differently. Recognizing these differences and adjusting to them is absolutely necessary for reaching mutual understanding and better communication.

You have two ears and one mouth; use them proportionately.

Whose voice are you listening to: Hollywood or God’s Holy Word?

Always try to look at your spouse the way Jesus does.

We send each other messages in “code” based on gender, even though we don’t intend to. What I say is not what you hear, and what you think you heard is not what I meant at all.

When you’re truly Christ-centered, instead of child-centered, you will be a more effective parent in the long run.

To get offended is easy, but to forgive is within your power as you walk in His steps.

Your spouse has a need only you can fill.

No matter how difficult your spouse may be at the moment, your spouse does not have control over your reaction; you do. You may be experiencing disappointment, frustration, or anger, but you always have a choice.

You must distinguish between “I can’t” and “I won’t.”

It’s true that women have intuition and that men should listen to them. It’s also true that women have blind spots and need the insight of their husbands.

Negative actions rarely produce positive results.

When parents genuinely trust and follow the Lord and His ways, their faith spills over onto the children.

When you look to God and His Word as your ultimate source of significance and security, you don’t demand that your spouse take that role in your life. And as you draw strength from the Lord individually, He draws you closer together as a couple.

God is not trying to trick you or mess with you. Trust that He wants to reveal Himself to you just as much as He wants to reveal Himself to the world.

Parenting is a faith venture. As we parent “unto Christ” we reap God’s reward, “knowing that whatever good anyone does, he will receive the same from the Lord” (Eph. 6:8 NKJV)

Words of Love or Respect must uplift your spouse, edifying- never manipulating him or her.

Words of Love and Respect must include thankfulness spoken to or about your spouse; don’t fixate on weaknesses and faults.

You can be right in the argument, but wrong in your approach.

We easily see what is done to us before we see what we are doing to our mate.

Can you begin to trust that God feels love for you even when you don’t feel that love?

The Love and Respect message is not about a husband earning his wife’s respect by being more loving any more than it is about a wife earning her husband’s love by being more respectful. Always love or respect is given unconditionally according to God’s commands.

Whether visiting a prison, feeding the hungry, giving the thirsty a drink or speaking a word of love or respect, everything is to be done to and for Christ.

There is a discrepancy between who we want to be and see ourselves to be and how we actually sound in voice and writing. But with self-reflection and honesty, we can turn the corner and improve our communication. We need only evaluate what we are about to communicate.

Our trustworthiness rests on our truthfulness.

He will feel appreciated when you recognize his problem-solving approach as his male brand of empathy.

You speak lovingly or respectfully no matter how your spouse may speak to you in return. Your spouse is not the reason--good or bad--why you speak unconditional words of love or respect. God is the reason, and as you depend on Him, you will become increasingly able to speak lovingly and respectfully to your spouse.

Your marriage is really a tool and a test to deepen and demonstrate your love and reverence for your Lord.

When evil comes at you, you’re the one who makes the choice of whether or not it is going to go into you.

No one can really practice Love and Respect unless he or she does it as unto Jesus Christ.

Thank God for joining you together and for allowing you to trust Him to help you, whatever the issue. God is there for you and expects you to look to Him to keep you together as a team, so ask Him for His help in the smallest of concerns. “So they are no longer two, but one flesh. What therefore God has joined together, let no man separate.” (Matthew 19:6)

Your position in Christ is what counts, not your less-than-perfect performance.

A most significant point of this book is this: If what we think is true, kind, necessary, and clear, we need to have the courage to hit send. This isn’t about refraining from speaking; this is about speaking.

Feeling unloved, a wife gets defensive and acts offensively without respect. Feeling disrespected, a husband gets defensive and acts offensively without love.

The Lord made women (Pink) and men (Blue) with differences, and He expects us to recognize and deal with those differences in a loving and respectful way.

When you come home after you have been apart, the first few moments of reconnecting will set the tone for the rest of the evening.

You may believe that the careless, unloving or disrespectful words you speak are because your spouse is causing you to speak this way, but Jesus says that it is coming out of your heart.

Your husband knows you value his friendship when you tell him you like him and you show it (he knows you love him, but he often wonders if you really like him).

Respect for the husband is just as important as love for the wife.

With a better understanding of God’s promises, you will be on your way to a renewed mind and a changed life.

Your hunger for God can create an appetite in your children.

Just because you’re offended doesn’t mean the other person is offensive.

If we subscribe to the belief that because we are equal we are the same, then we’re going to expect our spouse to respond the way we do.

Often the apparent issue isn’t the real issue; the real issue is always a matter of love or respect.

Trusting and obeying God’s Word because we love and reverence God never, ever makes us a hypocrite! When the alarm goes off in the morning, we get up, even when we don’t feel like it getting up. Because we do what we don’t feel like doing, does that make us hypocrites? No, it’s a sign we are responsible people. Showing respectful behavior when we don’t “feel respectful” is evidence of maturity.

Every marriage includes trouble some of the time. Do not let the 20% leaven all the rest.

A woman needs love like she needs air to breathe. A man needs respect like he needs air to breathe.

Since it is easy to focus on the negative, focus on your mate’s good qualities and express thanks with positive words of Love or Respect.

[Husbands] the most powerful weapons you have are your ears. Just listen to your wife, and she is much more likely to feel understood.

Good intentions do not always produce good words or outcomes.

The difference between successful couples and unsuccessful couples is that successful ones keep getting up and dealing with the issues.

The moment we cry to Him for help, He is already pleased. He gives us strength to love our children.

If a husband is commanded to agape- love his wife, then she truly needs love.

Mistakes can’t be undone, but they can be forgiven.

When your wife comes to talk to you, listen to her. Realize she is coming to you because you matter more to her than anyone else. She has certain emotional needs and only you can meet them. Sometimes she may say things that don’t make sense to you and she is apt to misspeak and exaggerate when she is upset, but don’t put her down. Instead, listen to her heart. Give her a chance to express her concerns and, as she does so, don’t try to fix her. Don’t give her your solutions unless she asks for them.

Unconditional respect, like unconditional love, is all about how one sounds (tone of voice and word choice) and appears (facial expressions and physical actions).

We might say that every negative action in the family has an equal and opposite negative reaction.

Women give a report to build rapport. Men bond through shoulder-to-shoulder activities without talking.

When we speak before we think, we widen the chances the other person(s) will be notably hurt, frustrated, confused, angry, fearful, or offended by something we’ve communicated.

The Crazy Cycle is, indeed “the evil of folly and the foolishness of madness” (Ecclesiastes 7:25)

It’s so easy to dismiss our spouse as childish because we don’t have the same vulnerabilities they do.

We have different vulnerabilities. We can pass judgment on one another all day long or we can say God made us different and that’s ok.

Our research shows that couples who pray together are more apt to reap all kinds of benefits, including better and more frequent communication, going on “dates” more frequently and having sex more frequently.

Pink and Blue perceptions not only affect seeing, they affect hearing as well. Women hear with pink hearing aids and men hear with blue hearing aids. Even more important to understand as you and your spouse seek to gain better communication, you can hear the very same words, but each of you will hear different messages.

It is hard to be negative while being thankful.

Do you seek to understand or only to be understood?

In your marriage be the first to “seek peace and pursue it” (1 Peter 3:11)

Don’t pressure yourself with perfection. We are going to fail. A righteous man falls 7 times but gets back up.

She’s not wrong for not being male. He is not wrong for not being female. When you put pink and blue together, you get purple, the color of royalty; the color of God. Together, a husband and wife reflect God’s image.

Self-interest should never come ahead of your spouse’s interests.

Mutual submission is the only way to live fairly together with mutual authority.

God is good and wants what is best for us.

It’s hard to realize that we would never act around our business associates the way we act around our spouse.