The Crazy Cycle In The Workplace - Study Guide (Download)

Each of you must focus on what God is calling you to do toward your spouse. Do not focus on what you think God is calling your spouse to do toward you.

Thank God for His forgiveness of your mistakes. In trying to be a loving man or a respectful woman, we blow it. Owning up to mistakes is never easy, but it is always the way to move forward. Take good care not to accuse your spouse of mistakes as you pray. Also, pray about any forgiving to be done in the family, any forgiveness that needs to be asked. Children may need forgiveness (and what about Mom and Dad?). “There is no one on earth who does what is right all the time and never makes a mistake.” (Ecclesiastes 7:20)

At the very bottom of things, in every case and in every conversation, you can do your marriage a huge favor by assuming she is seeking to feel loved or he is seeking to feel respected and give your spouse some grace!

Getting married reveals, usually sooner than later, an incontestable fact: your spouse cannot possibly meet all your needs and desires

Do you believe that there is a God who really loves you and wants to help you?

It’s crucial to communicate with the right tone of voice and the right expression on your face.

Often both spouses have goodwill but are not deciphering each other’s code. She criticizes out of love, but he “hears” only disrespect. He distances himself to prevent feelings from escalating, which is the honorable thing to do, but she “sees” only his failure to be loving!

Marriage is a tool and a test to allow God’s will to be revealed in our lives.

The heart of my communication means the other person cannot get my heart to be unkind, unloving, or disrespectful. Instead, I have made a decision about who I will be independent of the other person. I won’t blame my unkindness on someone else.

Your hunger for God can create an appetite in your children.

His love motivates her respect. Her respect motivates his love.

When parents genuinely trust and follow the Lord and His ways, their faith spills over onto the children.

The key to motivating another person is meeting their deepest need, especially during conflict.

His love blesses regardless of her respect; her respect blesses regardless of his love.

Stay the course regardless of the child’s respect and obedience. This is the Family Rewarded Cycle: a parents love unto Christ regardless of the child.

If you want your wife to express appreciation for your attempts to be loving, you must use thankful words when she tries to speak or act respectfully.

God rewards your obedience to love and respect, even if your spouse does not respond!

When others do not respond to our communication, we need to look first at our communication style. Is the other person incapable of hearing what we have to say? Or are we abrupt, brusque, and curt?

Marriage is a tool and a test to deepen and demonstrate your love and your reverence for Jesus Christ.

Whether visiting a prison, feeding the hungry, giving the thirsty a drink or speaking a word of love or respect, everything is to be done to and for Christ.

A man has a natural, inborn desire to go out and “conquer” the challenges of his world – to work and achieve.

If husbands and wives are to understand the Love and Respect Connection, they must realize that they communicate in code. And the problem is, they don’t know how to decipher the messages they send to one another.

Could you be facing a crisis in faith more than a crisis in your marriage?

The moment we cry to Him for help, He is already pleased. He gives us strength to love our children.

We send each other messages in “code” based on gender, even though we don’t intend to. What I say is not what you hear, and what you think you heard is not what I meant at all.

[Husbands] as the church places her burdens on Christ, so a woman needs to place her burdens on her husband. When she shares with you, don’t assume she is asking you to solve the problem. Ask your wife, “Do you want a solution or a listening ear?”

Clarifying is what you do before you step on your mate’s air hose and deflate his or her spirit. For example, you are having a typical conversation, but you can tell there is a misunderstanding. One of you isn’t being clear or isn’t hearing correctly. Then and there you clarify the misunderstanding before your spouse’s spirit deflates. You lovingly or respectfully clarify matters so that your spouse will not feel unloved or disrespected. The reason you take pains to clarify a seemingly small matter is to prevent the situation from becoming a love and respect issue that needs decoding. Clarifying is what you do to stay off the Crazy Cycle and keep positive, energetic feelings flowing between the two of you, to keep yourselves on the Energizing Cycle.

You may believe that the careless, unloving or disrespectful words you speak are because your spouse is causing you to speak this way, but Jesus says that it is coming out of your heart.

We have different vulnerabilities. We can pass judgment on one another all day long or we can say God made us different and that’s ok.

Often the apparent issue isn’t the real issue; the real issue is always a matter of love or respect.

No matter how difficult your spouse may be at the moment, your spouse does not have control over your reaction; you do. You may be experiencing disappointment, frustration or anger, but you always have a choice. A wife can choose to be disrespectful or respectful. A husband can choose to be unloving or loving.

When you’re truly Christ-centered, instead of child-centered, you will be a more effective parent in the long run.

Christian maturity involves a lot of things, but surely it includes knowing how to process your anger.

Words of Love and Respect must include thankfulness spoken to or about your spouse; don’t fixate on weaknesses and faults.

The Love and Respect message is not about a husband earning his wife’s respect by being more loving any more than it is about a wife earning her husband’s love by being more respectful. Always love or respect is given unconditionally according to God’s commands.

Through Jesus and Peter, God set forth His standard for living in the unconditional dimension: choose to be loving even when the other person is not; do what is right regardless of the treatment you receive. I believe this standard applies directly to marriage. A husband who speaks lovingly to his disrespectful wife will be rewarded; and a wife who speaks respectfully to her unloving, not-worthy-of-respect husband will be rewarded. Whether you are husband or wife, the reward is what can keep you going in the midst of the craziness: knowing that God commends you, knowing that you have found his favor for your words and actions.

Your position in Christ is what counts, not your less-than-perfect performance.

If you are seeking positive change in your marriage, you will need to make a positive change in your attitude and actions.

When a wife asks, “Do you love me?” She is not trying to put her husband on the spot. She is simply looking for reassurance.

Money squabbles don’t undermine love and respect; they simply reveal unloving and disrespectful attitudes, which are the real reason why a marriage can start to wobble on the Crazy Cycle.

Husbands primarily want to hear ‘respect” talk during conflict. Wives primarily want to hear “love” talk during conflict.

Being friendly to her man is one of the most effective things a woman can do to strengthen her marriage.

The woman absolutely needs love, and the man absolutely needs respect. It’s as simple- and as difficult- as that.

Most marriages will succeed when obeying the command to Love and Respect.

If a husband is commanded to agape- love his wife, then she truly needs love.

Do you give yourself grace and your spouse judgment?

When evil comes at you, you’re the one who makes the choice of whether or not it is going to go into you.

Knowing my spouse will not be able to love or respect me perfectly, I commit to having a forgiving spirit so that I may never speak hatefully or contemptuously.

She’ll feel at peace with you when you let her vent your frustrations and hurts and don’t get angry and close her off.

Unconditional respect means we confront their wrongdoings respectfully. We do not become uncivil because they are. Who they fail to be does not determine who we will be.

Your words reveal your heart.

You have two ears and one mouth; use them proportionately.

The mature one in the marriage seldom moves second.

It’s true that women have intuition and that men should listen to them. It’s also true that women have blind spots and need the insight of their husbands.

Research and experience prove that men and women see and hear differently. Recognizing these differences and adjusting to them is absolutely necessary for reaching mutual understanding and better communication.

You both forgive for one simple but profound reason: because you know Christ has forgiven you!

In the ultimate sense you marriage has nothing to do with your spouse. It has everything to do with your relationship with Jesus Christ.

God’s commands are not burdensome, but are given to us to spare us from more pain. Why would God command you to do something that doesn’t work?

The Crazy Cycle is, indeed “the evil of folly and the foolishness of madness” (Ecclesiastes 7:25)

Can you begin to trust that God feels love for you even when you don’t feel that love?

We can communicate the truth in the best of manners, but the person may be so insecure he or she can only react and attack like a wounded bear.

As a husband, if you can grasp that you don’t always have to solve your wife’s problems, you will take a giant step toward showing her empathy and understanding.

Men are solution oriented, they love to solve problems. They want to be helpful.

Women give a report to build rapport. Men bond through shoulder-to-shoulder activities without talking.

A wife has one driving need: to feel loved. When that need is met, she is happy. A husband has one driving need: to feel respected. When that need is met, he is happy. When either of these needs isn’t met, things get crazy with conflict.

Your marriage is really a tool and a test to deepen and demonstrate your love and reverence for your Lord.

Accentuate the positive and eliminate the negative with lots of love and respect in between.

Good intentions do not always produce good words or outcomes.

We all need to wrestle with the spiritual truth that God is good. If you don’t believe God is good, you won’t trust His word. If you don’t trust His word, you will find excuses to ignore His commands.

We have discovered that as women motivate their man God’s way, men are energized to love them better. It doesn’t matter if your marriage is good or seems like there is no hope. We have seen God move in powerful ways even when things looked hopeless.

When we speak before we think, we widen the chances the other person(s) will be notably hurt, frustrated, confused, angry, fearful, or offended by something we’ve communicated.

Mistakes can’t be undone, but they can be forgiven.

Wives, to energize your husband do an activity with him, shoulder-to-shoulder, without talking.

When we feel crippling discouragement by the sinful choices and outcomes of our kids, we must not let this permanently deter us from parenting God’s way.

When your wife comes to talk to you, listen to her. Realize she is coming to you because you matter more to her than anyone else. She has certain emotional needs and only you can meet them. Sometimes she may say things that don’t make sense to you and she is apt to misspeak and exaggerate when she is upset, but don’t put her down. Instead, listen to her heart. Give her a chance to express her concerns and, as she does so, don’t try to fix her. Don’t give her your solutions unless she asks for them.

God is not pink. God is not blue. God is purple. When two become one, they have the potential of displaying God’s attributes and character.

Fight like a loving man and a respectful woman. Fight fair.

When you play the blame game your marriage never wins.

A parent needs to feel respected, especially during conflicts...A child need to feel loved, especially during disputes.

When you come home after you have been apart, the first few moments of reconnecting will set the tone for the rest of the evening.

Do you understand that God feels compassion for you, no matter what you have done or what your circumstances may be?

When there is confusion, I try to refrain from attacking another for not listening carefully (which may not be the case). Instead, I take a run at communicating again, but more clearly.

Marriage is a test of how you unconditionally love and respect your spouse as you obey, honor, and please the Lord.

“With eyes of faith, envision Jesus standing just beyond the shoulder of your spouse and listening to every word you speak in every conversation, pleasant or tense. When you speak lovingly or respectfully to your spouse, you are speaking to Christ. Your spouse just happens to be there too.” This truth has sanctified the lips of many. Instead of giving their spouse a verbal whipping or choking on the idea of saying anything positive, now some spouses are motivated to speak words of unconditional love or respect.

[Husbands] do you realize the power of just holding your wife’s hand?

The more we are upset at something, the wiser it is to let twenty-four hours pass before responding.

Words of love from a husband are like good medicine that brings life to the marriage.

Feeling unloved, a wife gets defensive and acts offensively without respect. Feeling disrespected, a husband gets defensive and acts offensively without love.

Love and Respect is a faith venture, not a formula.

The Crazy Cycle is, indeed, “the evil of folly and the foolishness of madness” (Ecclesiastes 7:25).

We might say that every negative action in the family has an equal and opposite negative reaction.

We are either going to give in the darkness or we are going to give into the darkness.

Negative actions rarely produce positive results.

We get on the Crazy Cycle because without love a wife reacts without respect, and without respect a husband reacts without love.

Don’t conclude that your spouse is wrong when he/she is seeking to do the right and righteous thing.

Parenting is a faith venture. As we parent “unto Christ” we reap God’s reward, “knowing that whatever good anyone does, he will receive the same from the Lord” (Eph. 6:8 NKJV)

Always try to look at your spouse the way Jesus does.

We all need love and respect equally. But, during conflict our felt needs are as different as pink is from blue.

When you possess a forgiving spirit, words of Love and Respect will flow authentically from your lips- and realize that the Lord Himself is listening to you at moments like these. He knows you are not powerless, but actually full of power that He has granted you.

“You can be right, but wrong at the top of your voice.”