The Crazy Cycle In The Workplace - Study Guide (Download)

Thank God for His forgiveness of your mistakes. In trying to be a loving man or a respectful woman, we blow it. Owning up to mistakes is never easy, but it is always the way to move forward. Take good care not to accuse your spouse of mistakes as you pray. Also, pray about any forgiving to be done in the family, any forgiveness that needs to be asked. Children may need forgiveness (and what about Mom and Dad?). “There is no one on earth who does what is right all the time and never makes a mistake.” (Ecclesiastes 7:20)

[Husbands] as the church places her burdens on Christ, so a woman needs to place her burdens on her husband. When she shares with you, don’t assume she is asking you to solve the problem. Ask your wife, “Do you want a solution or a listening ear?”

When you’re truly Christ-centered, instead of child-centered, you will be a more effective parent in the long run.

The Love and Respect message is not about a husband earning his wife’s respect by being more loving any more than it is about a wife earning her husband’s love by being more respectful. Always love or respect is given unconditionally according to God’s commands.

Be quick to listen and understand and you have a much better chance of being understood.

Assuming goodwill can be revolutionary in relationships.

It’s so easy to dismiss our spouse as childish because we don’t have the same vulnerabilities they do.

Assume goodwill about the person you are in conflict with.

Wives, to energize your husband do an activity with him, shoulder-to-shoulder, without talking.

The Crazy Cycle is, indeed, “the evil of folly and the foolishness of madness” (Ecclesiastes 7:25).

Truth will carry its own weight if delivered respectfully and lovingly.

A wife has one driving need--to feel loved. When that need is met she is happy. A husband has one driving need--to feel respected. When that need is met he is happy. When either of these needs isn’t met, things get crazy. Love and Respect reveals why spouses react negatively to each other, and how they can deal with such conflict quickly, easily and biblically.

When you come home after you have been apart, the first few moments of reconnecting will set the tone for the rest of the evening.

Your spouse can affect you, but your spouse does not control you.

Through Jesus and Peter, God set forth His standard for living in the unconditional dimension: choose to be loving even when the other person is not; do what is right regardless of the treatment you receive. I believe this standard applies directly to marriage. A husband who speaks lovingly to his disrespectful wife will be rewarded; and a wife who speaks respectfully to her unloving, not-worthy-of-respect husband will be rewarded. Whether you are husband or wife, the reward is what can keep you going in the midst of the craziness: knowing that God commends you, knowing that you have found his favor for your words and actions.

Don’t label each other as bad because you differ on how you solve your troubles.

Just because you may feel unloved or disrespected does not mean your spouse is sending that message.

Responding to offensive words or actions with your own offensive words and actions is damaging and unproductive.

When you look to God and His Word as your ultimate source of significance and security, you don’t demand that your spouse take that role in your life. And as you draw strength from the Lord individually, He draws you closer together as a couple.

When the wife flatly says her husband will have to earn her respect before she gives him any, she leaves the husband in a lose-lose situation. Now he is responsible for both love and respect in the relationship. He must unconditionally love his wife and earn her respect.

Be friendly. Be friendly. Be friendly. Watch what happens.

Share what God is saying to your heart, not what you think He needs to say to your mate.

You cannot use unholy means to achieve a worthy end.

Unconditional love or respect is never wasted. Hang onto this promise: “Let us not lose heart in doing good, for in due time we will reap if we do not grow weary” (Galatians 6:9).

To not forgive is to shoot yourself in the foot and put extra gas in the Crazy Cycle.

It’s crucial to communicate with the right tone of voice and the right expression on your face.

No matter what your struggle- criticism, constant conflict, sex, money, parenting, harsh words- learning to communicate the Love and Respect way can help you make crucial changes and build the kind of relationship that God blesses.

We easily see what is done to us before we see what we are doing to our mate.

We can communicate the truth in the best of manners, but the person may be so insecure he or she can only react and attack like a wounded bear.

It’s true that women have intuition and that men should listen to them. It’s also true that women have blind spots and need the insight of their husbands.

As mature men, we need to take leadership and put this out on the table. We must acknowledge our feelings- we need to feel respected. However, as we do this we must acknowledge our wife’s feelings- she needs to feel loved!

When you relinquish an offense, you need to send that offense somewhere. So follow Jesus’ example and release it to your heavenly Father.

Love and Respect is a faith venture, not a formula.

[Women], as you enter quiet dignity, not preaching at your husband or scolding him as though you were his mother, something happens in his soul as a male.

A husband may deserve contempt, but that doesn’t win him any more than harshness and anger wins the heart of a woman.

Marriage is a test of how you unconditionally love and respect your spouse as you obey, honor, and please the Lord.

Just because you’re offended doesn’t mean the other person is offensive.

When parents genuinely trust and follow the Lord and His ways, their faith spills over onto the children.

I often stress that one of the greatest rewards any persevering spouse can have is being a good example and influence on the children in the family.

We are equal but we are not the same.

Words of love from a husband are like good medicine that brings life to the marriage.

He will feel appreciated when you disagree with him only in private and honor his authority in front of the kids.

Every marriage includes trouble some of the time. Do not let the 20% leaven all the rest.

Your marriage is really a tool and a test to deepen and demonstrate your love and reverence for your Lord.

Christian maturity involves a lot of things, but surely it includes knowing how to process your anger.

Thank the Lord for all the trouble-free moments in which you and your spouse enjoy Him, each other, your family, your ministry and life as a whole. Ask Him for the strength to accept your measure of trouble, and the wisdom to deal with the annoyances and irritations by loving and respecting each other with new commitment. (You may also want to pray about troubles at work, at church, with the children…) “But those who marry will have trouble in this life” (1 Corinthians 7:28)

Often the apparent issue isn’t the real issue; the real issue is always a matter of love or respect.

No matter how difficult your spouse may be at the moment, your spouse does not have control over your reaction; you do. You may be experiencing disappointment, frustration, or anger, but you always have a choice.

When sorting out how to slow down the Crazy Cycle, it helps to remember that men are commanded to love because they don’t love naturally, and on the other side, women are commanded to respect because they don’t respect naturally.

Since it is easy to focus on the negative, focus on your mate’s good qualities and express thanks with positive words of Love or Respect.

Could you be facing a crisis in faith more than a crisis in your marriage?

Thank the Lord for the goodwill each of you has toward the other. Ask Him for strength to give each other the benefit of the doubt during moments when someone’s goodwill seems to be lacking. “He who seeks good finds goodwill, but evil comes to him who searches for it.” (Proverbs 11:27)

Your position in Christ is what counts, not your less-than-perfect performance.

Men are solution oriented, they love to solve problems. They want to be helpful.

Your spouse may meet many of your needs, but your deepest dependency should be on your Lord.

A man has a natural, inborn desire to go out and “conquer” the challenges of his world – to work and achieve.

Marital researchers agree that a huge percentage of communication problems between husband and wife are due not to what is said but to how it is said – the attitude and tone of voice.

When you play the blame game your marriage never wins.

[Husbands] do you realize the power of just holding your wife’s hand?

If we subscribe to the belief that because we are equal we are the same, then we’re going to expect our spouse to respond the way we do.

Your husband knows you appreciate his desire to protect and provide when you praise his commitment to provide for you. You empathize when he reveals his male mindset about position, status, or rank at work.

If you want your husband to express appreciation for your attempts to be respectful, you must speak thankfully when he tries to be loving.

When you possess a forgiving spirit, words of Love and Respect will flow authentically from your lips- and realize that the Lord Himself is listening to you at moments like these. He knows you are not powerless, but actually full of power that He has granted you.

Husbands primarily want to hear ‘respect” talk during conflict. Wives primarily want to hear “love” talk during conflict.

Pink and Blue perceptions not only affect seeing, they affect hearing as well. Women hear with pink hearing aids and men hear with blue hearing aids. Even more important to understand as you and your spouse seek to gain better communication, you can hear the very same words, but each of you will hear different messages.

Feeling unloved, a wife gets defensive and acts offensively without respect. Feeling disrespected, a husband gets defensive and acts offensively without love.

Can you begin to trust that God feels love for you even when you don’t feel that love?

Parenting is a faith venture. As we parent “unto Christ” we reap God’s reward, “knowing that whatever good anyone does, he will receive the same from the Lord” (Eph. 6:8 NKJV)

Focus on the positive in the midst of the negative, and the Energizing Cycle will keep right on humming.

Your spouse deserves the truth from you. Do your best to tell it with love and respect.

When your wife comes to talk to you, listen to her. Realize she is coming to you because you matter more to her than anyone else. She has certain emotional needs and only you can meet them. Sometimes she may say things that don’t make sense to you and she is apt to misspeak and exaggerate when she is upset, but don’t put her down. Instead, listen to her heart. Give her a chance to express her concerns and, as she does so, don’t try to fix her. Don’t give her your solutions unless she asks for them.

When a husband feels disrespected, it is especially hard to love his wife. When a wife feels unloved, it is especially hard to respect her husband.

Husbands, to energize your wife give her face-to-face time, allowing her to talk and share her feelings.

Avoid like the plague trying to punish each other as a means of “motivation.” Christ-followers instinctively know that this destroys any opportunity to act out of reverence for Christ. In all marital issues, love and reverence for Christ must be our primary motivation.

We might say that every negative action in the family has an equal and opposite negative reaction.

When a husband chooses to come across lovingly even though he feels disrespected, he can prevent the Crazy Cycle from spinning and possibly getting out of control.

It’s hard to realize that we would never act around our business associates the way we act around our spouse.

Whether visiting a prison, feeding the hungry, giving the thirsty a drink or speaking a word of love or respect, everything is to be done to and for Christ.

When a husband chooses to do or say something loving, and that includes saying, ‘I’m sorry for coming across in an unloving way,’ he energizes his wife. When a wife decides to express herself respectfully, and that includes apologizing for her disrespectful attitude, she energizes her husband.

When one of you makes a mistake, control any anger you may feel and trust God completely, no matter what happens.

I have concluded that those of us in the church who believe we have the Truth are not using the whole truth. A crucial part of God’s Word has been completely ignored, or perhaps simply gone unnoticed, when it has been there right under our noses the whole time! Many Christian spouses know Ephesians 5:33 and can at least paraphrase it. The Apostle Paul tells husbands to love their wives as much as they love themselves, and wives are to respect their husbands. But is anyone really listening? Perhaps the first step to better communication between husband and wife is to hear what God’s Word clearly says. --Emerson

Unconditional respect means we confront their wrongdoings respectfully. We do not become uncivil because they are. Who they fail to be does not determine who we will be.

Positive changes flood a relationship immediately when both husband and wife cancel the blame game!

Do you seek to understand or only to be understood?

In the ultimate sense you marriage has nothing to do with your spouse. It has everything to do with your relationship with Jesus Christ.

You have two ears and one mouth; use them proportionately.

If a husband is commanded to agape- love his wife, then she truly needs love.

[Husbands] the most powerful weapons you have are your ears. Just listen to your wife, and she is much more likely to feel understood.

Wives, you never know: The way you handle this [conflict] might bring your husband not only back to you, but to God. Husbands, you never know: The way you handle this [conflict] might bring your wife not only back to you, but to God. (1 Corinthians 7:16)

The difference between successful couples and unsuccessful couples is that successful ones keep getting up and dealing with the issues.

You have to become proactive, rather than just trying to stop the reactive.

Do you believe that there is a God who really loves you and wants to help you?

We can all have moments of anger, but this does not mean we have to lose control and sin.

As strong and powerful as marriage bonds can become, our deepest dependency must be on the Lord, not another human being.

Your marriage is a test of your devotion to Christ.

God is not trying to trick you or mess with you. Trust that He wants to reveal Himself to you just as much as He wants to reveal Himself to the world.

I had often asked God to compensate for my mistakes, but in return had I thought He would give me perfect children?

Good intentions do not always produce good words or outcomes.

Do not live by the standards of Hollywood; trust what God says in His Holy Word.

Holding back your love or respect will just keep the Crazy Cycle spinning away, but being mature and making the first move could slow it down.