Conference Notebook - Digital Download (Old)

Trusting and obeying God’s Word because we love and reverence God never, ever makes us a hypocrite! When the alarm goes off in the morning, we get up, even when we don’t feel like it getting up. Because we do what we don’t feel like doing, does that make us hypocrites? No, it’s a sign we are responsible people. Showing respectful behavior when we don’t “feel respectful” is evidence of maturity.

[Husbands] do you realize the power of just holding your wife’s hand?

A man has a natural, inborn desire to go out and “conquer” the challenges of his world – to work and achieve.

Recognize your different gifts--how each of you (Pink and Blue) functions according to God’s perfect design.

We must bring our identity in Christ to our parenting—we must not derive our identity from our children.

We are equal but we are not the same.

Both Judas and Peter denied Jesus Christ, but there is a huge difference between a Judas and a Peter.

The parent-child relationship is as easy, and as difficult, as love and respect.

Be friendly. Be friendly. Be friendly. Watch what happens.

The Lord made women (Pink) and men (Blue) with differences, and He expects us to recognize and deal with those differences in a loving and respectful way.

God’s commands are not burdensome, but are given to us to spare us from more pain. Why would God command you to do something that doesn’t work?

Your marriage is a test of your devotion to Christ.

You cannot use unholy means to achieve a worthy end.

Never give up. If you want to have a strong marriage, you need to accept temporary setbacks as part of the game.

Knowing my spouse will not be able to love or respect me perfectly, I commit to having a forgiving spirit so that I may never speak hatefully or contemptuously.

Men are solution oriented, they love to solve problems. They want to be helpful.

We get on the Crazy Cycle because without love a wife reacts without respect, and without respect a husband reacts without love.

God designed the woman to love. He’s not going to command her to agape her husband when He created her to do that in the first place. God is not into redundancy.

You have to become proactive, rather than just trying to stop the reactive.

The moment we cry to Him for help, He is already pleased. He gives us strength to love our children.

When the wife flatly says her husband will have to earn her respect before she gives him any, she leaves the husband in a lose-lose situation. Now he is responsible for both love and respect in the relationship. He must unconditionally love his wife and earn her respect.

You speak lovingly or respectfully no matter how your spouse may speak to you in return. Your spouse is not the reason--good or bad--why you speak unconditional words of love or respect. God is the reason, and as you depend on Him, you will become increasingly able to speak lovingly and respectfully to your spouse.

Every marriage includes trouble some of the time. Do not let the 20% leaven all the rest.

When confronting your spouse, attack the behavior, not the person.

The key to motivating another person is meeting their deepest need, especially during conflict.

Do you give yourself grace and your spouse judgment?

[Women], your self-love cannot be derived from your husband’s love. It can affect it, but it does not determine it.

When you look to God and His Word as your ultimate source of significance and security, you don’t demand that your spouse take that role in your life. And as you draw strength from the Lord individually, He draws you closer together as a couple.

Whether visiting a prison, feeding the hungry, giving the thirsty a drink or speaking a word of love or respect, everything is to be done to and for Christ.

When a husband chooses to come across lovingly even though he feels disrespected, he can prevent the Crazy Cycle from spinning and possibly getting out of control.

When a wife feels unloved, it can be such a shock to her heart that she is oblivious to her disrespectful reactions toward her husband, though any man watching could see it plainly.

When you look to God and His Word as your ultimate source of significance and security, you don’t demand that your spouse take that role in your life. And as you draw strength from the Lord individually, He draws you closer together as a couple.

Your spouse has a need only you can fill.

Your marriage is a tool and a test to deepen and demonstrate your love and reverence for Jesus Christ. God is using your spouse to bring you an eternal reward.

Good intentions do not always produce good words or outcomes.

When a wife asks, “Do you love me?” She is not trying to put her husband on the spot. She is simply looking for reassurance.

Words of wisdom for all husbands and wives are these: We easily see what is done to us before we see what we are doing to our mate.

Mutual submission is the only way to live fairly together with mutual authority.

Unconditional love or respect is never wasted. Hang onto this promise: “Let us not lose heart in doing good, for in due time we will reap if we do not grow weary” (Galatians 6:9).

Your position in Christ is what counts, not your less-than-perfect performance.

When we feel crippling discouragement by the sinful choices and outcomes of our kids, we must not let this permanently deter us from parenting God’s way.

Your husband knows you appreciate his desire to protect and provide when you praise his commitment to provide for you. You empathize when he reveals his male mindset about position, status, or rank at work.

Words of Love or Respect must uplift your spouse, edifying- never manipulating him or her.

In your marriage be the first to “seek peace and pursue it” (1 Peter 3:11)

As mature men, we need to take leadership and put this out on the table. We must acknowledge our feelings- we need to feel respected. However, as we do this we must acknowledge our wife’s feelings- she needs to feel loved!

Focus on the positive in the midst of the negative, and the Energizing Cycle will keep right on humming.

Thank the Lord for the goodwill each of you has toward the other. Ask Him for strength to give each other the benefit of the doubt during moments when someone’s goodwill seems to be lacking. “He who seeks good finds goodwill, but evil comes to him who searches for it.” (Proverbs 11:27)

His love motivates her respect. Her respect motivates his love.

Negative actions rarely produce positive results.

Accentuate the positive and eliminate the negative with lots of love and respect in between.

You have two ears and one mouth; use them proportionately.

Getting married reveals, usually sooner than later, an incontestable fact: your spouse cannot possibly meet all your needs and desires

If you are seeking positive change in your marriage, you will need to make a positive change in your attitude and actions.

Your spouse can have a need that you don’t have and that’s okay.

The Love and Respect message is not about a husband earning his wife’s respect by being more loving any more than it is about a wife earning her husband’s love by being more respectful. Always love or respect is given unconditionally according to God’s commands.

It is crucial for a husband and wife to see that neither one is wrong, but both of them are very different--in body function, outlook and perspective.

Wives, to energize your husband do an activity with him, shoulder-to-shoulder, without talking.

His love blesses regardless of her respect; her respect blesses regardless of his love.

If you want your wife to express appreciation for your attempts to be loving, you must use thankful words when she tries to speak or act respectfully.

Share what God is saying to your heart, not what you think He needs to say to your mate.

Always remember that Pink and Blue have different wiring, different preferences. Assume your spouse has goodwill toward you, no matter what. Both of you can be right, while being different.

Mutual understanding, not communication, is the key to a healthy marriage relationship.

Always try to look at your spouse the way Jesus does.

He will feel appreciated when you recognize his problem-solving approach as his male brand of empathy.

When you’re truly Christ-centered, instead of child-centered, you will be a more effective parent in the long run.

Before hitting send, ask yourself, "Have I listened carefully and understand the exact issue on the table?"

Accidental sparks (unwise remarks) ignite and fuel a fire, and vroom goes the Crazy Cycle.

When you come home after you have been apart, the first few moments of reconnecting will set the tone for the rest of the evening.

When there is confusion, I try to refrain from attacking another for not listening carefully (which may not be the case). Instead, I take a run at communicating again, but more clearly.

[Women], as you enter quiet dignity, not preaching at your husband or scolding him as though you were his mother, something happens in his soul as a male.

Marriage is a test of how you unconditionally love and respect your spouse as you obey, honor, and please the Lord.

To build a lasting legacy, use proven wisdom that you glean from the Lord.

We blame people for the bad things we do, but take credit for the good things we do.

Your wife will feel esteemed when you speak highly of her in front of others.

When you play the blame game your marriage never wins.

She’ll feel at peace with you when you let her vent your frustrations and hurts and don’t get angry and close her off.

Just because you may feel unloved or disrespected does not mean your spouse is sending that message.

A wife has one driving need: to feel loved. When that need is met, she is happy. A husband has one driving need: to feel respected. When that need is met, he is happy. When either of these needs isn’t met, things get crazy with conflict.

A major step toward a happy marriage is accepting differences and working them out with love and respect.

Thank God for His forgiveness of your mistakes. In trying to be a loving man or a respectful woman, we blow it. Owning up to mistakes is never easy, but it is always the way to move forward. Take good care not to accuse your spouse of mistakes as you pray. Also, pray about any forgiving to be done in the family, any forgiveness that needs to be asked. Children may need forgiveness (and what about Mom and Dad?). “There is no one on earth who does what is right all the time and never makes a mistake.” (Ecclesiastes 7:20)

We all need to wrestle with the spiritual truth that God is good. If you don’t believe God is good, you won’t trust His word. If you don’t trust His word, you will find excuses to ignore His commands.

You must “ask God from the wealth of his glory to give you power through his Spirit to be strong in your inner selves.”

Thank the Lord for all the trouble-free moments in which you and your spouse enjoy Him, each other, your family, your ministry and life as a whole. Ask Him for the strength to accept your measure of trouble, and the wisdom to deal with the annoyances and irritations by loving and respecting each other with new commitment. (You may also want to pray about troubles at work, at church, with the children…) “But those who marry will have trouble in this life” (1 Corinthians 7:28)

With a better understanding of God’s promises, you will be on your way to a renewed mind and a changed life.

When you possess a forgiving spirit, words of Love and Respect will flow authentically from your lips- and realize that the Lord Himself is listening to you at moments like these. He knows you are not powerless, but actually full of power that He has granted you.

To not forgive is to shoot yourself in the foot and put extra gas in the Crazy Cycle.

Your spouse has a need that you don’t have. Are you going to say there is something seriously wrong with them or will you say “Viva la Difference”?

No matter what your struggle- criticism, constant conflict, sex, money, parenting, harsh words- learning to communicate the Love and Respect way can help you make crucial changes and build the kind of relationship that God blesses.

Suppressing negative feelings is not loving, respectful or very wise. Speak up tactfully.

Always see your mate as an ally. Feedback is of little use if you see your spouse as an enemy. Giving and receiving constructive feedback is based on feelings of goodwill in both partners. Both of you need to remember that, even if you don’t always agree and even if you become irritated or angry, you are friends, and neither of you means to hurt the other.

We send each other messages in “code” based on gender, even though we don’t intend to. What I say is not what you hear, and what you think you heard is not what I meant at all.

Feeling unloved, a wife gets defensive and acts offensively without respect. Feeling disrespected, a husband gets defensive and acts offensively without love.

Can you begin to trust that God feels love for you even when you don’t feel that love?

Holding back your love or respect will just keep the Crazy Cycle spinning away, but being mature and making the first move could slow it down.

The more we are upset at something, the wiser it is to let twenty-four hours pass before responding.

God is good and wants what is best for us.

Don’t conclude that your spouse is wrong when he/she is seeking to do the right and righteous thing.

Marital researchers agree that a huge percentage of communication problems between husband and wife are due not to what is said but to how it is said – the attitude and tone of voice.

Words of love from a husband are like good medicine that brings life to the marriage.

As a wife, if you can start to understand how important your husband’s work is to him, you will take a giant step toward communicating respect and honor, two things that he values even more than your love.