Love & Respect in the Family (Audiobook)

If we subscribe to the belief that because we are equal we are the same, then we’re going to expect our spouse to respond the way we do.

Wives, to energize your husband do an activity with him, shoulder-to-shoulder, without talking.

We must bring our identity in Christ to our parenting—we must not derive our identity from our children.

Accidental sparks (unwise remarks) ignite and fuel a fire, and vroom goes the Crazy Cycle.

Before hitting send, ask yourself, "Have I listened carefully and understand the exact issue on the table?"

Optimism or pessimism? It is always a choice, no matter what your natural temperament.

If you are seeking positive change in your marriage, you will need to make a positive change in your attitude and actions.

Through Jesus and Peter, God set forth His standard for living in the unconditional dimension: choose to be loving even when the other person is not; do what is right regardless of the treatment you receive. I believe this standard applies directly to marriage. A husband who speaks lovingly to his disrespectful wife will be rewarded; and a wife who speaks respectfully to her unloving, not-worthy-of-respect husband will be rewarded. Whether you are husband or wife, the reward is what can keep you going in the midst of the craziness: knowing that God commends you, knowing that you have found his favor for your words and actions.

[Husbands] the most powerful weapons you have are your ears. Just listen to your wife, and she is much more likely to feel understood.

The key to motivating another person is meeting their deepest need, especially during conflict.

Thank God for His forgiveness of your mistakes. In trying to be a loving man or a respectful woman, we blow it. Owning up to mistakes is never easy, but it is always the way to move forward. Take good care not to accuse your spouse of mistakes as you pray. Also, pray about any forgiving to be done in the family, any forgiveness that needs to be asked. Children may need forgiveness (and what about Mom and Dad?). “There is no one on earth who does what is right all the time and never makes a mistake.” (Ecclesiastes 7:20)

He will feel appreciated when you recognize his problem-solving approach as his male brand of empathy.

We are worth Jesus to the Father.

He will feel appreciated when you disagree with him only in private and honor his authority in front of the kids.

Being friendly to her man is one of the most effective things a woman can do to strengthen her marriage.

The Crazy Cycle is, indeed “the evil of folly and the foolishness of madness” (Ecclesiastes 7:25)

Assuming goodwill can be revolutionary in relationships.

We are equal but we are not the same.

Every marriage includes trouble some of the time. Do not let the 20% leaven all the rest.

Unconditional respect is as powerful to him as unconditional love is to her.

Your spouse can affect you, but your spouse does not control you.

When a wife insists that her husband earn her respect, she puts him in a lose-lose situation.

“Respect is a man’s deepest value. I have had numerous men tell me, ‘I would rather live with a wife who respected me but did not love me than live with a wife who loved me but did not respect me.’ These men are not saying that they are indifferent to love. They know they need love, but they need to feel respected even more than they need to feel loved.“

When you love or respect unconditionally regardless of the outcome, you are following God and His will for you.

Pink and Blue perceptions not only affect seeing, they affect hearing as well. Women hear with pink hearing aids and men hear with blue hearing aids. Even more important to understand as you and your spouse seek to gain better communication, you can hear the very same words, but each of you will hear different messages.

No matter what your struggle- criticism, constant conflict, sex, money, parenting, harsh words- learning to communicate the Love and Respect way can help you make crucial changes and build the kind of relationship that God blesses.

When a wife feels unloved, it can be such a shock to her heart that she is oblivious to her disrespectful reactions toward her husband, though any man watching could see it plainly.

Trusting and obeying God’s Word because we love and reverence God never, ever makes us a hypocrite! When the alarm goes off in the morning, we get up, even when we don’t feel like it getting up. Because we do what we don’t feel like doing, does that make us hypocrites? No, it’s a sign we are responsible people. Showing respectful behavior when we don’t “feel respectful” is evidence of maturity.

Mutual understanding, not communication, is the key to a healthy marriage relationship.

When we feel crippling discouragement by the sinful choices and outcomes of our kids, we must not let this permanently deter us from parenting God’s way.

Don’t pressure yourself with perfection. We are going to fail. A righteous man falls 7 times but gets back up.

You can be right but wrong at the top of your voice.

When you play the blame game your marriage never wins.

Our research shows that couples who pray together are more apt to reap all kinds of benefits, including better and more frequent communication, going on “dates” more frequently and having sex more frequently.

We blame people for the bad things we do, but take credit for the good things we do.

“With eyes of faith, envision Jesus standing just beyond the shoulder of your spouse and listening to every word you speak in every conversation, pleasant or tense. When you speak lovingly or respectfully to your spouse, you are speaking to Christ. Your spouse just happens to be there too.” This truth has sanctified the lips of many. Instead of giving their spouse a verbal whipping or choking on the idea of saying anything positive, now some spouses are motivated to speak words of unconditional love or respect.

When you look to God and His Word as your ultimate source of significance and security, you don’t demand that your spouse take that role in your life. And as you draw strength from the Lord individually, He draws you closer together as a couple.

The moment we cry to Him for help, He is already pleased. He gives us strength to love our children.

Can you begin to trust that God feels love for you even when you don’t feel that love?

It’s hard to realize that we would never act around our business associates the way we act around our spouse.

This is the Rewarded Cycle: His love blesses regardless of her respect and her respect blesses regardless of his love.

Thank the Lord that in the very beginning He created them male and female – Blue and Pink. Ask Him for patience and ever-growing understanding of how men and women see and hear differently. “He created them male and female, and He blessed them.” (Genesis 5:2)

I often stress that one of the greatest rewards any persevering spouse can have is being a good example and influence on the children in the family.

Money squabbles don’t undermine love and respect; they simply reveal unloving and disrespectful attitudes, which are the real reason why a marriage can start to wobble on the Crazy Cycle.

I had often asked God to compensate for my mistakes, but in return had I thought He would give me perfect children?

I have concluded that those of us in the church who believe we have the Truth are not using the whole truth. A crucial part of God’s Word has been completely ignored, or perhaps simply gone unnoticed, when it has been there right under our noses the whole time! Many Christian spouses know Ephesians 5:33 and can at least paraphrase it. The Apostle Paul tells husbands to love their wives as much as they love themselves, and wives are to respect their husbands. But is anyone really listening? Perhaps the first step to better communication between husband and wife is to hear what God’s Word clearly says. --Emerson

To not forgive is to shoot yourself in the foot and put extra gas in the Crazy Cycle.

The heart of my communication means the other person cannot get my heart to be unkind, unloving, or disrespectful. Instead, I have made a decision about who I will be independent of the other person. I won’t blame my unkindness on someone else.

If a husband chooses to be a peacemaker--taking the needs and concerns of his wife totally into account during any kind of argument or conflict--his wife will be motivated in turn to respond to his authority during stalemates.

Mistakes can’t be undone, but they can be forgiven.

Research and experience prove that men and women see and hear differently. Recognizing these differences and adjusting to them is absolutely necessary for reaching mutual understanding and better communication.

Most marriages will succeed when obeying the command to Love and Respect.

The mature one in the marriage seldom moves second.

When parents genuinely trust and follow the Lord and His ways, their faith spills over onto the children.

Share what God is saying to your heart, not what you think He needs to say to your mate.

Negative actions rarely produce positive results.

When you look to God and His Word as your ultimate source of significance and security, you don’t demand that your spouse take that role in your life. And as you draw strength from the Lord individually, He draws you closer together as a couple.

It’s crucial to communicate with the right tone of voice and the right expression on your face.

We have different vulnerabilities. We can pass judgment on one another all day long or we can say God made us different and that’s ok.

Avoid like the plague trying to punish each other as a means of “motivation.” Christ-followers instinctively know that this destroys any opportunity to act out of reverence for Christ. In all marital issues, love and reverence for Christ must be our primary motivation.

When there is confusion, I try to refrain from attacking another for not listening carefully (which may not be the case). Instead, I take a run at communicating again, but more clearly.

Your spouse can have a need that you don’t have and that’s okay.

Do you understand that God feels compassion for you, no matter what you have done or what your circumstances may be?

A woman needs love like she needs air to breathe. A man needs respect like he needs air to breathe.

She’s not wrong for not being male. He is not wrong for not being female. When you put pink and blue together, you get purple, the color of royalty; the color of God. Together, a husband and wife reflect God’s image.

Both Judas and Peter denied Jesus Christ, but there is a huge difference between a Judas and a Peter.

Although the Crazy Cycle is not what God intends for any marriage, all couples get on it at times from one degree to another.

[Women], as you enter quiet dignity, not preaching at your husband or scolding him as though you were his mother, something happens in his soul as a male.

A man has a natural, inborn desire to go out and “conquer” the challenges of his world – to work and achieve.

Refuse to let evil turn you into a contemptuous and hateful person.

His love blesses regardless of her respect; her respect blesses regardless of his love.

You have to become proactive, rather than just trying to stop the reactive.

Clarifying is what you do before you step on your mate’s air hose and deflate his or her spirit. For example, you are having a typical conversation, but you can tell there is a misunderstanding. One of you isn’t being clear or isn’t hearing correctly. Then and there you clarify the misunderstanding before your spouse’s spirit deflates. You lovingly or respectfully clarify matters so that your spouse will not feel unloved or disrespected. The reason you take pains to clarify a seemingly small matter is to prevent the situation from becoming a love and respect issue that needs decoding. Clarifying is what you do to stay off the Crazy Cycle and keep positive, energetic feelings flowing between the two of you, to keep yourselves on the Energizing Cycle.

Knowing my spouse will not be able to love or respect me perfectly, I commit to having a forgiving spirit so that I may never speak hatefully or contemptuously.

You cannot use unholy means to achieve a worthy end.

Will we decide how we see God based on our circumstances, or will we see our circumstances in light of how we view God?

A most significant point of this book is this: If what we think is true, kind, necessary, and clear, we need to have the courage to hit send. This isn’t about refraining from speaking; this is about speaking.

There is power and freedom that comes in understanding that no one can cause you to react in a certain way. It is your choice.

Clearly, in the marriage, in the family and in the household, when you speak words of blessing, you are speaking to the Lord, and for this you will be rewarded.

In the ultimate sense you marriage has nothing to do with your spouse. It has everything to do with your relationship with Jesus Christ.

Thank the Lord for the goodwill each of you has toward the other. Ask Him for strength to give each other the benefit of the doubt during moments when someone’s goodwill seems to be lacking. “He who seeks good finds goodwill, but evil comes to him who searches for it.” (Proverbs 11:27)

Thank the Lord for all the trouble-free moments in which you and your spouse enjoy Him, each other, your family, your ministry and life as a whole. Ask Him for the strength to accept your measure of trouble, and the wisdom to deal with the annoyances and irritations by loving and respecting each other with new commitment. (You may also want to pray about troubles at work, at church, with the children…) “But those who marry will have trouble in this life” (1 Corinthians 7:28)

When you relinquish an offense, you need to send that offense somewhere. So follow Jesus’ example and release it to your heavenly Father.

We all need love and respect equally. But, during conflict our felt needs are as different as pink is from blue.

You’re the only person in the world who can meet your spouse’s deepest need for love and respect. After all, you alone are married to your spouse.

Recognize your different gifts--how each of you (Pink and Blue) functions according to God’s perfect design.

Words of Love or Respect must uplift your spouse, edifying- never manipulating him or her.

Accentuate the positive and eliminate the negative with lots of love and respect in between.

Unconditional respect, like unconditional love, is all about how one sounds (tone of voice and word choice) and appears (facial expressions and physical actions).

We can communicate the truth in the best of manners, but the person may be so insecure he or she can only react and attack like a wounded bear.

Always remember that Pink and Blue have different wiring, different preferences. Assume your spouse has goodwill toward you, no matter what. Both of you can be right, while being different.

When others do not respond to our communication, we need to look first at our communication style. Is the other person incapable of hearing what we have to say? Or are we abrupt, brusque, and curt?

Always try to look at your spouse the way Jesus does.

“Living happily ever after” means knowing how to deal with the imperfect parts of life.

When you’re truly Christ-centered, instead of child-centered, you will be a more effective parent in the long run.

Your spouse deserves the truth from you. Do your best to tell it with love and respect.

God’s commands are there to help us, not to hinder us or hold us back as male and female.

The more we are upset at something, the wiser it is to let twenty-four hours pass before responding.

We are either going to give in the darkness or we are going to give into the darkness.

Your wife will feel esteemed when you speak highly of her in front of others.