Love & Respect Book

Marriage is a tool and a test to deepen and demonstrate your love and your reverence for Jesus Christ.

Above all trust God when the “whys” of life threaten to overwhelm you.

How we react to a situation reveals more about us than about the other person.

Money squabbles don’t undermine love and respect; they simply reveal unloving and disrespectful attitudes, which are the real reason why a marriage can start to wobble on the Crazy Cycle.

You must distinguish between “I can’t” and “I won’t.”

When you love or respect unconditionally regardless of the outcome, you are following God and His will for you.

Our research shows that couples who pray together are more apt to reap all kinds of benefits, including better and more frequent communication, going on “dates” more frequently and having sex more frequently.

Refuse to let evil turn you into a contemptuous and hateful person.

You may believe that the careless, unloving or disrespectful words you speak are because your spouse is causing you to speak this way, but Jesus says that it is coming out of your heart.

When you look to God and His Word as your ultimate source of significance and security, you don’t demand that your spouse take that role in your life. And as you draw strength from the Lord individually, He draws you closer together as a couple.

It’s true that women have intuition and that men should listen to them. It’s also true that women have blind spots and need the insight of their husbands.

Negative actions rarely produce positive results.

Your spouse can have a need that you don’t have and that’s okay.

Words of wisdom for all husbands and wives are these: We easily see what is done to us before we see what we are doing to our mate.

There is power and freedom that comes in understanding that no one can cause you to react in a certain way. It is your choice.

Do you give yourself grace and your spouse judgment?

We send each other messages in “code” based on gender, even though we don’t intend to. What I say is not what you hear, and what you think you heard is not what I meant at all.

A most significant point of this book is this: If what we think is true, kind, necessary, and clear, we need to have the courage to hit send. This isn’t about refraining from speaking; this is about speaking.

We can all have moments of anger, but this does not mean we have to lose control and sin.

Parenting is a faith venture. As we parent “unto Christ” we reap God’s reward, “knowing that whatever good anyone does, he will receive the same from the Lord” (Eph. 6:8 NKJV)

To not forgive is to shoot yourself in the foot and put extra gas in the Crazy Cycle.

Fight like a loving man and a respectful woman. Fight fair.

Although the Crazy Cycle is not what God intends for any marriage, all couples get on it at times from one degree to another.

[Husbands] the most powerful weapons you have are your ears. Just listen to your wife, and she is much more likely to feel understood.

He will feel appreciated when you recognize his problem-solving approach as his male brand of empathy.

When we speak before we think, we widen the chances the other person(s) will be notably hurt, frustrated, confused, angry, fearful, or offended by something we’ve communicated.

When a wife insists that her husband earn her respect, she puts him in a lose-lose situation.

Clearly, in the marriage, in the family and in the household, when you speak words of blessing, you are speaking to the Lord, and for this you will be rewarded.

It’s hard to realize that we would never act around our business associates the way we act around our spouse.

The more we are upset at something, the wiser it is to let twenty-four hours pass before responding.

If a husband is commanded to agape- love his wife, then she truly needs love.

Self-interest should never come ahead of your spouse’s interests.

You cannot use unholy means to achieve a worthy end.

We have to step back as Christ followers and ask, “Do I have false expectations that my relationship should be romantic 99% of the time?”

Always remember that Pink and Blue have different wiring, different preferences. Assume your spouse has goodwill toward you, no matter what. Both of you can be right, while being different.

Share what God is saying to your heart, not what you think He needs to say to your mate.

As you pray together, you will truly learn to love and respect together.

[Husbands] do you realize the power of just holding your wife’s hand?

Research shows that 70% of the couples who were extremely unhappy in their marriage, but hung in there and worked through the tough time, identified themselves as being very happy five years later.

Feeling unloved, a wife gets defensive and acts offensively without respect. Feeling disrespected, a husband gets defensive and acts offensively without love.

When a husband feels disrespected, he has a natural tendency to react in ways that feel unloving to his wife. (Perhaps the command to love was given to him precisely for this reason!) When a wife feels unloved, she has a natural tendency to react in ways that feel disrespectful to her husband. (Perhaps the command to respect was given to her precisely for this reason!)

Do you understand that God feels compassion for you, no matter what you have done or what your circumstances may be?

As strong and powerful as marriage bonds can become, our deepest dependency must be on the Lord, not another human being.

I often stress that one of the greatest rewards any persevering spouse can have is being a good example and influence on the children in the family.

When sorting out how to slow down the Crazy Cycle, it helps to remember that men are commanded to love because they don’t love naturally, and on the other side, women are commanded to respect because they don’t respect naturally.

We are either going to give in the darkness or we are going to give into the darkness.

Your spouse has a need only you can fill.

Both Judas and Peter denied Jesus Christ, but there is a huge difference between a Judas and a Peter.

Be a part of the solution, not part of the problem.

Positive changes flood a relationship immediately when both husband and wife cancel the blame game!

Wives, to energize your husband do an activity with him, shoulder-to-shoulder, without talking.

If you want your husband to express appreciation for your attempts to be respectful, you must speak thankfully when he tries to be loving.

When a wife asks, “Do you love me?” She is not trying to put her husband on the spot. She is simply looking for reassurance.

No one can really practice Love and Respect unless he or she does it as unto Jesus Christ.

Do you seek to understand or only to be understood?

Though the end can be worthy (to be loved and respected), when each uses unholy means (unloving and disrespectful words and actions), it will not achieve those ends. We must treat others as we expect them to treat us. To deny this makes us arrogant or fools, or both.

Research and experience prove that men and women see and hear differently. Recognizing these differences and adjusting to them is absolutely necessary for reaching mutual understanding and better communication.

When Jesus said “turn the other cheek,” He wasn’t saying to be passive wimps. He was teaching that physically people can control you but if you turn and give the other cheek, suddenly you’re in control and you’re making the choices.

Thank the Lord for all the trouble-free moments in which you and your spouse enjoy Him, each other, your family, your ministry and life as a whole. Ask Him for the strength to accept your measure of trouble, and the wisdom to deal with the annoyances and irritations by loving and respecting each other with new commitment. (You may also want to pray about troubles at work, at church, with the children…) “But those who marry will have trouble in this life” (1 Corinthians 7:28)

Unconditional love or respect is never wasted. Hang onto this promise: “Let us not lose heart in doing good, for in due time we will reap if we do not grow weary” (Galatians 6:9).

Always see your mate as an ally. Feedback is of little use if you see your spouse as an enemy. Giving and receiving constructive feedback is based on feelings of goodwill in both partners. Both of you need to remember that, even if you don’t always agree and even if you become irritated or angry, you are friends, and neither of you means to hurt the other.

Your spouse may meet many of your needs, but your deepest dependency should be on your Lord.

Being friendly to her man is one of the most effective things a woman can do to strengthen her marriage.

Mutual understanding, not communication, is the key to a healthy marriage relationship.

I had often asked God to compensate for my mistakes, but in return had I thought He would give me perfect children?

Unconditional respect is as powerful to him as unconditional love is to her.

Your spouse can affect you, but your spouse does not control you.

It is so easy to draw wrong conclusions about a spouse’s character and motives due to an occasional flare-up or silly comment.

Suppressing negative feelings is not loving, respectful or very wise. Speak up tactfully.

No matter how difficult your spouse may be at the moment, your spouse does not have control over your reaction; you do. You may be experiencing disappointment, frustration, or anger, but you always have a choice.

When one of you makes a mistake, control any anger you may feel and trust God completely, no matter what happens.

We must bring our identity in Christ to our parenting—we must not derive our identity from our children.

The parent-child relationship is as easy, and as difficult, as love and respect.

We might say that every negative action in the family has an equal and opposite negative reaction.

Words of Love or Respect must uplift your spouse, edifying- never manipulating him or her.

Do you bow to the influence of Hollywood or God’s Holy Word?

To get offended is easy, but to forgive is within your power as you walk in His steps.

Wives, you never know: The way you handle this [conflict] might bring your husband not only back to you, but to God. Husbands, you never know: The way you handle this [conflict] might bring your wife not only back to you, but to God. (1 Corinthians 7:16)

Assuming goodwill can be revolutionary in relationships.

The Crazy Cycle is, indeed “the evil of folly and the foolishness of madness” (Ecclesiastes 7:25)

Whether visiting a prison, feeding the hungry, giving the thirsty a drink or speaking a word of love or respect, everything is to be done to and for Christ.

It’s so easy to dismiss our spouse as childish because we don’t have the same vulnerabilities they do.

When parents genuinely trust and follow the Lord and His ways, their faith spills over onto the children.

If a husband chooses to be a peacemaker--taking the needs and concerns of his wife totally into account during any kind of argument or conflict--his wife will be motivated in turn to respond to his authority during stalemates.

Your wife feels you are open with her when you discuss financial concerns, possible job changes or ideas for your future.

Your marriage is really a tool and a test to deepen and demonstrate your love and reverence for your Lord.

If you are seeking positive change in your marriage, you will need to make a positive change in your attitude and actions.

When a husband feels disrespected, it is especially hard to love his wife. When a wife feels unloved, it is especially hard to respect her husband.

Our trustworthiness rests on our truthfulness.

Stay the course regardless of the child’s respect and obedience. This is the Family Rewarded Cycle: a parents love unto Christ regardless of the child.

You can be right but wrong at the top of your voice.

If you want your wife to express appreciation for your attempts to be loving, you must use thankful words when she tries to speak or act respectfully.

When you come home after you have been apart, the first few moments of reconnecting will set the tone for the rest of the evening.

With a better understanding of God’s promises, you will be on your way to a renewed mind and a changed life.

No matter how difficult your spouse may be at the moment, your spouse does not have control over your reaction; you do. You may be experiencing disappointment, frustration or anger, but you always have a choice. A wife can choose to be disrespectful or respectful. A husband can choose to be unloving or loving.

A woman needs love like she needs air to breathe. A man needs respect like he needs air to breathe.

You can experience hurt, but it is your choice to hate.

Each of you must focus on what God is calling you to do toward your spouse. Do not focus on what you think God is calling your spouse to do toward you.

Your husband knows you appreciate his desire to protect and provide when you praise his commitment to provide for you. You empathize when he reveals his male mindset about position, status, or rank at work.

Love and Respect is a faith venture, not a formula.