Love & Respect Book

When one of you makes a mistake, control any anger you may feel and trust God completely, no matter what happens.

[Husbands] as the church places her burdens on Christ, so a woman needs to place her burdens on her husband. When she shares with you, don’t assume she is asking you to solve the problem. Ask your wife, “Do you want a solution or a listening ear?”

Your spouse has a need only you can fill.

Trusting and obeying God’s Word because we love and reverence God never, ever makes us a hypocrite! When the alarm goes off in the morning, we get up, even when we don’t feel like it getting up. Because we do what we don’t feel like doing, does that make us hypocrites? No, it’s a sign we are responsible people. Showing respectful behavior when we don’t “feel respectful” is evidence of maturity.

When you play the blame game your marriage never wins.

[Husbands] do you realize the power of just holding your wife’s hand?

Christian maturity involves a lot of things, but surely it includes knowing how to process your anger.

A parent needs to feel respected, especially during conflicts...A child need to feel loved, especially during disputes.

Accidental sparks (unwise remarks) ignite and fuel a fire, and vroom goes the Crazy Cycle.

You can be right in the argument, but wrong in your approach.

When you look to God and His Word as your ultimate source of significance and security, you don’t demand that your spouse take that role in your life. And as you draw strength from the Lord individually, He draws you closer together as a couple.

When you possess a forgiving spirit, words of Love and Respect will flow authentically from your lips- and realize that the Lord Himself is listening to you at moments like these. He knows you are not powerless, but actually full of power that He has granted you.

[Husbands] the most powerful weapons you have are your ears. Just listen to your wife, and she is much more likely to feel understood.

When a husband chooses to come across lovingly even though he feels disrespected, he can prevent the Crazy Cycle from spinning and possibly getting out of control.

In your marriage be the first to “seek peace and pursue it” (1 Peter 3:11)

Often the apparent issue isn’t the real issue; the real issue is always a matter of love or respect.

As mature men, we need to take leadership and put this out on the table. We must acknowledge our feelings- we need to feel respected. However, as we do this we must acknowledge our wife’s feelings- she needs to feel loved!

You’re the only person in the world who can meet your spouse’s deepest need for love and respect. After all, you alone are married to your spouse.

Your marriage is a tool and a test to deepen and demonstrate your love and reverence for Jesus Christ. God is using your spouse to bring you an eternal reward.

You may believe that the careless, unloving or disrespectful words you speak are because your spouse is causing you to speak this way, but Jesus says that it is coming out of your heart.

When we speak before we think, we widen the chances the other person(s) will be notably hurt, frustrated, confused, angry, fearful, or offended by something we’ve communicated.

He will feel appreciated when you recognize his problem-solving approach as his male brand of empathy.

Recognize your different gifts--how each of you (Pink and Blue) functions according to God’s perfect design.

To build a lasting legacy, use proven wisdom that you glean from the Lord.

Men are solution oriented, they love to solve problems. They want to be helpful.

Marriage is a test of how you unconditionally love and respect your spouse as you obey, honor, and please the Lord.

His love blesses regardless of her respect; her respect blesses regardless of his love.

We can all have moments of anger, but this does not mean we have to lose control and sin.

We are equal but we are not the same.

Your position in Christ is what counts, not your less-than-perfect performance.

Your wife feels you are open with her when you discuss financial concerns, possible job changes or ideas for your future.

Don’t label each other as bad because you differ on how you solve your troubles.

There is a discrepancy between who we want to be and see ourselves to be and how we actually sound in voice and writing. But with self-reflection and honesty, we can turn the corner and improve our communication. We need only evaluate what we are about to communicate.

The Love and Respect message is not about a husband earning his wife’s respect by being more loving any more than it is about a wife earning her husband’s love by being more respectful. Always love or respect is given unconditionally according to God’s commands.

You speak lovingly or respectfully no matter how your spouse may speak to you in return. Your spouse is not the reason--good or bad--why you speak unconditional words of love or respect. God is the reason, and as you depend on Him, you will become increasingly able to speak lovingly and respectfully to your spouse.

She’ll feel at peace with you when you let her vent your frustrations and hurts and don’t get angry and close her off.

Avoid like the plague trying to punish each other as a means of “motivation.” Christ-followers instinctively know that this destroys any opportunity to act out of reverence for Christ. In all marital issues, love and reverence for Christ must be our primary motivation.

Positive changes flood a relationship immediately when both husband and wife cancel the blame game!

We blame people for the bad things we do, but take credit for the good things we do.

Through Jesus and Peter, God set forth His standard for living in the unconditional dimension: choose to be loving even when the other person is not; do what is right regardless of the treatment you receive. I believe this standard applies directly to marriage. A husband who speaks lovingly to his disrespectful wife will be rewarded; and a wife who speaks respectfully to her unloving, not-worthy-of-respect husband will be rewarded. Whether you are husband or wife, the reward is what can keep you going in the midst of the craziness: knowing that God commends you, knowing that you have found his favor for your words and actions.

You must “ask God from the wealth of his glory to give you power through his Spirit to be strong in your inner selves.”

I have concluded that those of us in the church who believe we have the Truth are not using the whole truth. A crucial part of God’s Word has been completely ignored, or perhaps simply gone unnoticed, when it has been there right under our noses the whole time! Many Christian spouses know Ephesians 5:33 and can at least paraphrase it. The Apostle Paul tells husbands to love their wives as much as they love themselves, and wives are to respect their husbands. But is anyone really listening? Perhaps the first step to better communication between husband and wife is to hear what God’s Word clearly says. --Emerson

Responding to offensive words or actions with your own offensive words and actions is damaging and unproductive.

Be a part of the solution, not part of the problem.

Marriage is a tool and a test to allow God’s will to be revealed in our lives.

A marriage relationship will be energized when couples learn how to motivate each other God’s way.

To not forgive is to shoot yourself in the foot and put extra gas in the Crazy Cycle.

We fool ourselves into thinking the other person causes us to be the way we are. They really don’t! But if we lock into that idea, we become helpless, hopeless victims.

We must bring our identity in Christ to our parenting—we must not derive our identity from our children.

Assuming goodwill can be revolutionary in relationships.

Optimism or pessimism? It is always a choice, no matter what your natural temperament.

No matter what your struggle- criticism, constant conflict, sex, money, parenting, harsh words- learning to communicate the Love and Respect way can help you make crucial changes and build the kind of relationship that God blesses.

With a better understanding of God’s promises, you will be on your way to a renewed mind and a changed life.

Whose voice are you listening to: Hollywood or God’s Holy Word?

Husbands, even Jesus Himself was asked by a woman, “Do you not care?” (Luke 10:40) When your wife accuses you of not caring, decode her deeper meaning.

Holding back your love or respect will just keep the Crazy Cycle spinning away, but being mature and making the first move could slow it down.

It’s true that women have intuition and that men should listen to them. It’s also true that women have blind spots and need the insight of their husbands.

Do you seek to understand or only to be understood?

When parents genuinely trust and follow the Lord and His ways, their faith spills over onto the children.

His love motivates her respect. Her respect motivates his love.

It’s so easy to dismiss our spouse as childish because we don’t have the same vulnerabilities they do.

Your marriage is really a tool and a test to deepen and demonstrate your love and reverence for your Lord.

Whether visiting a prison, feeding the hungry, giving the thirsty a drink or speaking a word of love or respect, everything is to be done to and for Christ.

God is good and wants what is best for us.

Marital researchers agree that a huge percentage of communication problems between husband and wife are due not to what is said but to how it is said – the attitude and tone of voice.

No matter how difficult your spouse may be at the moment, your spouse does not have control over your reaction; you do. You may be experiencing disappointment, frustration, or anger, but you always have a choice.

Although the Crazy Cycle is not what God intends for any marriage, all couples get on it at times from one degree to another.

Being a person who communicates what is true frequently demands tact, and at times it can feel like sidestepping land mines. It takes work to be both truthful and tactful.

As a wife, if you can start to understand how important your husband’s work is to him, you will take a giant step toward communicating respect and honor, two things that he values even more than your love.

When sorting out how to slow down the Crazy Cycle, it helps to remember that men are commanded to love because they don’t love naturally, and on the other side, women are commanded to respect because they don’t respect naturally.

Unconditional respect is as powerful to him as unconditional love is to her.

Each of you must focus on what God is calling you to do toward your spouse. Do not focus on what you think God is calling your spouse to do toward you.

We easily see what is done to us before we see what we are doing to our mate.

The Crazy Cycle is, indeed, “the evil of folly and the foolishness of madness” (Ecclesiastes 7:25).

At the very bottom of things, in every case and in every conversation, you can do your marriage a huge favor by assuming she is seeking to feel loved or he is seeking to feel respected and give your spouse some grace!

The Crazy Cycle is, indeed “the evil of folly and the foolishness of madness” (Ecclesiastes 7:25)

Your husband knows you appreciate his desire to protect and provide when you praise his commitment to provide for you. You empathize when he reveals his male mindset about position, status, or rank at work.

You have to become proactive, rather than just trying to stop the reactive.

You can experience hurt, but it is your choice to hate.

Every marriage includes trouble some of the time. Do not let the 20% leaven all the rest.

When you’re truly Christ-centered, instead of child-centered, you will be a more effective parent in the long run.

When evil comes at you, you’re the one who makes the choice of whether or not it is going to go into you.

Your wife will feel esteemed when you speak highly of her in front of others.

Your spouse can have a need that you don’t have and that’s okay.

To stay the course in speaking words of Love and Respect, keep your heart in Scripture, trusting in and talking about His promises to help you.

If you are seeking positive change in your marriage, you will need to make a positive change in your attitude and actions.

[Women], your self-love cannot be derived from your husband’s love. It can affect it, but it does not determine it.

Often both spouses have goodwill but are not deciphering each other’s code. She criticizes out of love, but he “hears” only disrespect. He distances himself to prevent feelings from escalating, which is the honorable thing to do, but she “sees” only his failure to be loving!

When there is confusion, I try to refrain from attacking another for not listening carefully (which may not be the case). Instead, I take a run at communicating again, but more clearly.

Above all trust God when the “whys” of life threaten to overwhelm you.

Be friendly. Be friendly. Be friendly. Watch what happens.

We can communicate the truth in the best of manners, but the person may be so insecure he or she can only react and attack like a wounded bear.

A major step toward a happy marriage is accepting differences and working them out with love and respect.

Always remember that Pink and Blue have different wiring, different preferences. Assume your spouse has goodwill toward you, no matter what. Both of you can be right, while being different.

To get offended is easy, but to forgive is within your power as you walk in His steps.

A wife has one driving need--to feel loved. When that need is met she is happy. A husband has one driving need--to feel respected. When that need is met he is happy. When either of these needs isn’t met, things get crazy. Love and Respect reveals why spouses react negatively to each other, and how they can deal with such conflict quickly, easily and biblically.

Money squabbles don’t undermine love and respect; they simply reveal unloving and disrespectful attitudes, which are the real reason why a marriage can start to wobble on the Crazy Cycle.

Self-interest should never come ahead of your spouse’s interests.

We have different vulnerabilities. We can pass judgment on one another all day long or we can say God made us different and that’s ok.

God’s commands are there to help us, not to hinder us or hold us back as male and female.