This week at home, take time to read and meditate on this material which reinforces the video content you just heard in group. Prayerfully apply the questions and assignments to your personal situation.

Are We Crazy?

Last week we asked you to ponder this: When in a conflict with your husband, and you sense the issue isn’t the issue, in all probability he is feeling disrespected. He negatively reacts to you because he feels disrespected, not because he feels unloved. If that disrespect remains constant, he begins to lose motivation to move toward you with fond feelings of love.

As women, we need to understand this important truth. We may feel our nagging, yelling, disdainful looks, or our stomping off in silence will get our husband’s attention. We believe our disrespectful actions will wake him up to be more loving. But negative actions rarely produce positive results. In fact, this approach backfires by pushing a man farther away.

This week you learned we call this “The Crazy Cycle.” Some wives reject the idea that they are responsible for their disrespect. Their disrespect is caused by their husbands’ lack of love. Victimization and blame placing is the name of the game. But if this is a cycle, who is going to stop it? Who will be first? Because you have committed to this study, we are going to assume that you will go first! As a mature wife, will you own up to your side?

If couples don’t accept some of the craziness as normal, or own up to their negative and sinful reactions, troubles lurk. Each begins to store up evidence that the other has a serious problem. One couple we met is committed to remaining married. But he is harsh and she is disrespectful. Round and round they go. For years, they build their case. She sees all of his unloving ways, not her disrespectful manner. He sees all of her disrespectful ways, not his unloving manner. They remain locked into the feeling of being victimized and feel indignation. Each will make the case that the problem is with the other person.

We are not without empathy. We know some women are suffering at the hands of evil men. If you are one of them, we encourage you to go to your Pastor or a Godly female mentor to get help. (See Appendix B in the back of this guide.)

If He Has Goodwill

However, if your husband has good will, you have power to affect him through your unconditional respect. When your husband feels disrespected, his spirit may deflate. What does this mean? More than likely, it is the critical point right before his behavior changes to what appears unloving (he stonewalls or he becomes harsh, sarcastic, or angry). When this happens, challenge yourself to take note of what you just said or did. Take responsibility for your part and see what happens. If though, you hold onto your disrespect as his fault, and refuse to confess and make adjustments, you deprive yourself of this influence.

This is why the counsel about showing respect is so powerful. For example, if your husband believes you like him (as you did when you were dating), he feels respected. And if you admire him, he’s on Cloud Nine! You alone have that leverage. At those moments of intense conflict, he secretly wonders what you really feel about him. “Does she really like who I am apart from my inadequacies?” Again, he rarely surfaces this for fear you’ll say, “Of course I don’t respect you – not when you act this way!” That phrase is so distressing to a man, he won’t put himself in a situation to seek reassurance from you. As a wife, you feel free to seek reassurance that he loves you. He is supposed to love you, doing so unconditionally. You have every right to ask, “Do you love me?” and expect that he would say yes, no matter how you are acting.

But if he asked, “Do you respect me?” you are apt to be less than enthusiastic. You are likely to avoid answering. If you are disrespectful, it is because he has failed to be respectable. He has no right to expect you to show respect toward him in spite of his faults! In fact, for him to ask appears arrogant. Again, he knows you love him. That’s not called into question. What he secretly doubts is if you like, respect, and admire him.

Is it right for him to love you regardless of your actions, but you only show him respect when he earns it? Respecting him may not be fair to you, but that is his need (Ephesians 5:33). Just as your disrespect de-motivates him – decreasing his fond feelings of love for you – your respect energizes him – increasing his fond feelings of love.

Every wife has been taught that as she loves her husband he should love her more. She believes her agape-love should motivate his agape-love. In part, it does. But, neither Paul nor Peter teach this. In the New Testament, 1 Peter 3: 1,2 says a husband can be “won without a word by…respectful behavior” and… “the imperishable quality of a … quiet spirit” (1 Peter 3:4).

This is central to your empowerment as a wife. This is not sexist teaching. Just as your husband needs to learn to live with his wife in an understanding way, which touches her spirit (1 Peter 3:7), you need to learn the discipline of a quiet spirit which opens his heart. Peter said, “In the same way” referring to what he had just said about Jesus: “While being reviled, He did not revile in return; while suffering, He uttered no threats, but kept entrusting Himself to Him who judges righteously” (1 Peter 2:23). A wife is called to imitate Jesus. Some wives have never been challenged to do this. Yes we know that you are convinced the conflict can only be resolved by talking. For now, do not view the goal to be resolution. The goal is to experience the discipline of quietness.

Ponder This

It is your unconditional respect that touches him and convicts his heart. This includes the discipline of a quiet spirit, according to 1 Peter 3:4. You will not become a doormat. You will become a welcome mat for the power of God in your life!

Let’s Do This!

1. When on the Crazy Cycle with your husband, describe what you say and do. How is your approach working?

2. Emerson challenged you to make two discoveries as you quietly reflect. Journal your thoughts as you go quiet and make these observations.

Discover something about yourself

• Did you get on the Crazy Cycle by responding disrespectfully to something your husband said (or did) that felt unloving?
• Or, though it was rooted in your care and concern, did you start the Crazy Cycle by saying something your husband perceived to be disrespectful?

Discover something about your husband

• Is he a good willed man? In other words, does he wake up trying to figure out what evil he can inflict upon you? Or if a burglar came into your house tonight, would he ultimately die to protect you? 
• “Your husband has a need (for respect) that only you, as his wife, can meet.” What do you think of that statement?

3. *This week if there is a conflict, we want you to remain verbally quiet, when you want to argue or defend yourself. We are not kidding. See if you can go quiet and remain quiet as 1 Peter 3:2 teaches. Remember, you are slowing down the Crazy Cycle by doing this. You can do it! Write out your thoughts (and concerns) about this.

4. When I remained silent during conflict, this is what happened:

5. If you are the silent type, do you harbor resentment and bitterness until you explode or do you forgive readily and consistently? Do you see how going quiet with a bad attitude can be just as disrespectful as talking too much? Evaluate your heart and write your thoughts.

Let’s Reflect

Ask God to give you the courage and strength to have a quiet spirit during conflict this week. Meditate on 1 Peter 3:1-4. Write out your commitment to God.