This should in no way be surprising to hear, but simply realizing the causes and effects of the Crazy Cycle does not mean you and your spouse will stop taking spins on them. Learning about her pink way of communicating and interpreting the world, as opposed to your blue perspective on life, does not mean you will always like her pink way of going about things or that she will always speak to you in a way that your blue hearing aids correctly interpret as a respectful response. And even if a wife always keeps Ephesians 5:33 at the forefront of her mind and shows unconditional respect, reinforced by the greatest Respect Talk known to man, this does not mean her husband will love her perfectly, all the time, in a way that is music to her pink ears.Read More
If you have attended or heard a Love and Respect Marriage Conference or read any of the books, more than likely you will recall some of my favorite terms, analogies, and acronyms, such as: Pink and Blue, C.O.U.P.L.E., C.H.A.I.R.S., the Crazy Cycle, the Energizing Cycle, and the Rewarded Cycle. While it certainly always brings a smile to my face to hear from readers and others that they, even many years later, still talk about “needing to get off the Crazy Cycle” or “their pink hearing aids didn’t hear what their blue husband was really saying,” what I most hope that people will remember is how all of this should be used to point them to Jesus. Let me explain.Read More
One day I received the following message from a husband that encouraged me greatly, as do so many letters I receive from people who have discovered the Love and respect message: The reason we came to the conference was because my pastor found out that I had filed for divorce. And he asked if I would go see you. I was so bitter at this point, I told my pastor that I would apply it in my next marriage. He said, “Okay, I'll pay for the weekend. Just go!” And I really thought nothing you would say could change my mind. It was the most eye-opening weekend of my life. [My wife] and I both wanted the divorce but we really had no good reason, just unhappy. Your conference turned on all kinds of light bulbs for both of us. And it saved our marriage. Emerson, God is using you in a big way. I just wanted to say thank you.
If only this couple had taken to heart Paul’s warning in 1 Corinthians 10:12, which says, “let him who thinks he stands take heed that he does not fall.”Read More
Have you ever realized that the most impactful influence on your children’s marriage—whether they are two years old and barely able to say “da-da” or twenty-two and about to walk down the aisle—is your marriage? Yes, you! Your marriage to their mom or dad teaches them both directly and indirectly how a married couple works together.
This certainly includes the way you love and respect each other. Your kids may not yet have learned the biblical emphasis on love and respect or even be old enough to know what “respect” means, but they are learning all about it nonetheless . . . from you!Read More
In my book Before You Hit Send, I quote a woman who said, "You know that little thing in the back of your brain that tells you not to say something before you say it? Well, I don't have that little thing." I suppose all of us wonder occasionally if we lack that little thing in the back of our brains. We know that we are to think before we speak, but we end up saying something that we should not say.Read More
In your experience, have you found that any of the following approaches have worked to influence, motivate, and energize your spouse? Keeping track of the other’s wrongs with resentment, nagging and criticizing without seeing any good, judging and shaming from a spirit of self-righteousness, getting angry to the point of showing hostility and contempt, manipulating to achieve a selfish or worthy agenda, blaming without any acknowledgment of one’s own faults, and fighting for control, not for win-win.Read More
I have had people say that because in Ephesians 5:33a God first commands the husband to love his wife and then in Ephesians 5:33b God commands the wife to respect her husband, then a wife need only respect her husband AFTER he first loves her. They argue that the husband must move first because he is mentioned first. Do you believe this?Read More
It was a beautiful June morning where we live in Michigan, a great time to be eating breakfast on the patio in our backyard filled with colorful flowers and overlooking a beautiful watery marsh covered with lily pads and cattails. I was just finishing my bowl of cereal when Sarah came out, her Bible and devotional books in hand. The moment I saw her, I said, “I’m leaving.” No “Good morning” or even a “Hi.” Just “I’m leaving.”Read More
Join Emerson and Jonathan this week as they discuss 8 ways to prevent and get off the Crazy Cycle (see Episode 1 for a deeper explanation of the Crazy Cycle. Examples include what to do when you see the spirit of your spouse deflate, accepting some trouble as normal, and trusting in each other's goodwill.Read More
Do husbands have a double standard? May I invite you to consider one that I have observed? Some wives hear from their husbands, “I can look at women because God designed me to look at the female figure, but you must not look at men.” I am not talking about viewing pornography. That is a different matter. Instead, I am referring to the husband who habitually looks at women around him. At a restaurant he looks at the shapely waitresses as they walk by. At the mall, he checks out the women walking by him as he sits at the bench waiting for his wife. At church, he looks over at the two beautiful blonds talking by the stain-glassed windows.Read More
Though God commands the husband to love and a wife to respect, a strange twist might take place. A wife puts on respect for one reason: to get her husband to be loving.
A husband puts on love solely to get his wife to respect him.
One pastor who wrote me shared his concerns fearing this very thing: that husbands and wives will manipulate each other when applying love and respect based on Ephesians 5:33:Read More
Though God commands the husband to love and a wife to respect, a strange twist might take place. A wife puts on respect for one reason: to get her husband to be loving. A husband puts on love solely to get his wife to respect him. One pastor wrote Emerson and shared his concerns fearing this very thing: that husbands and wives will manipulate each other when applying love and respect based on Ephesians 5:33. Join Emerson and Jonathan this weeks as they discuss this topic.Read More
In part 1, we discussed Job and his disrespectful wife and how he was able to love her “as to the Lord,” despite her being a conduit for the devil. Now let’s turn to a biblical example of an unloving husband with a wife who found a way to still respect him.
What about the Respectful Wife?
What about the wife living with a man who turns everybody off?Read More
Some people live in fear that as they seek to apply the Love and Respect message their spouse will not respond in like manner. When that happens, their fears are confirmed and they ask, “What do I do now?”
Respectful Yet Unloved / Loving Yet Dissed
Based on Ephesians 5:33 a wife puts on respect in obedience to God’s command with the hope that her husband will act on his part of the verse where God commands him to love her. She works hard at respecting his work efforts, his sense of responsibility to protect and provide, his personal strength and decision-making, his shoulder-to-shoulder friendship without talking, and his sexuality, yet he does not reciprocate with the love she needs.Read More
Have you come through a marital crisis? I’d love to hear your story. You could be the innocent victim with a wounded heart who experienced shock or the remorseful offender with a contrite heart who experienced shame. But before you e-mail me at firstname.lastname@example.org, perhaps you could answer some questions that would spark your memory.
The Six A's
Let me say upfront that there could have been any number of reasons for the crisis.Read More
James says we have not because we ask not, so praying is fundamental (James 4:2).There is power in asking! There is less of God’s power when we do not ask.
We receive less when we are remiss in asking.
But because we ask does not mean we always receive.
Jesus prayed three times for the cup of suffering to pass (Matthew 26:44). The apostle Paul thrice prayed for the thorn in the flesh to be removed (2 Corinthians 12:8).
God did not answer their specific prayers.Read More
Some people live in fear that as they seek to apply the Love and Respect message their spouse will not respond in like manner, and then when that happens it confirms their fears. Join Emerson and Jonathan this week as they discuss this important topic.Read More