During the two decades I’ve spent teaching the Love and Respect message, based on Ephesians 5:33, the feedback and responses I’ve received from readers, conference attendees, and small group participants has ranged from eye-popping, marriage-saving revelations to “I agree for the most part, but you don’t know my situation” to downright rejection of God’s instructions to the married couple. Though the responses vary, the one constant remains: God’s Word commands the husband to love his wife unconditionally and the wife to respect her husband.Read More
Most wives I have met actually do long for their husbands to be the spiritual leader of their family. They are not resisting his leadership; they truly do believe it's biblical. However, they fear that he will not take their opinions into consideration.Read More
In parts 1 and 2, we discussed a key difference in men and women’s approaches toward sex. Though both desire and need sex, we need to understand a wife’s interpretation of sex through the love lens and the husband’s interpretation of sex through the respect grid. I take this position because God commands the husband to love his wife in Ephesians 5:33 (C.O.U.P.L.E.) and commands a wife to respect her husband in that same verse (C.H.A.I.R.S.). (Please read parts 1 and 2 of this 3-part blog series for a more complete explanation of C.O.U.P.L.E. and C.H.A.I.R.S.)
Every married couple that is concerned about their sexual intimacy needs to answer the following with honesty and accuracy.Read More
In part 1 of this series, we discussed how even Hollywood unwittingly supports God’s design for unconditional love being absolutely vital to a woman in order for her to truly enjoy sex with a man long-term. Because in the end, for her the perennial question will always be, “Do you love me for me—unconditionally?” And when he assures her of his unconditional love toward her by acting out C.O.U.P.L.E.—the six biblical ways God’s Word reveals that a man should love his wife—he will be hitting on all cylinders the premiere aphrodisiac for his wife.Read More
In my opinion, anyone who watches movies gets the message that men and women have sexual needs and desires but that they are not the same.
In the movie For the Love of the Game, Billy Chapel (played by Kevin Costner) and Jane Aubrey (Kelly Preston) meet and hook up sexually. Because Billy travels as a professional baseball pitcher with the Detroit Tigers, they make a deal. Jane says, "So, when you're away, I'll live my life and you'll live yours. And none of this 'why didn't you call me?' crap. And what you do when you're not with me has nothing to do with me, and vice versa. No questions asked, no worrying, no obsessing."
Even though men and women are equal in the eyes of God, Scripture is clear that God has charged men with being the family’s spiritual leader (1 Corinthians 11:3; 1 Peter 3:1; Ephesians 5:22). I have found among most wives who follow Christ that not only do they not resist this biblical mandate but they actually hold a deep desire for their husbands to be the spiritual leader.Read More
Can a wife be guilty of helping her husband too much? At first glance, that may sound preposterous, right? I mean, of all the burdensome things a wife deals with during the day in managing her home and feeding her marriage, do we really have to add “don’t help husband too much” to her list?
The events of Genesis 2 speak to this, actually. Take another look at these verses that you are probably more than familiar with already:Read More
Would it surprise you to hear me say that there is no better method for a husband to use to better energize, motivate, and influence his wife than to simply love her unconditionally? When a wife recognizes that her husband has decided to be a man who authentically and consistently loves her no matter her response, she comes under conviction about her disrespectful reactions to him.
When a wife discerns that her husband is not loving her based on her performance, but for the woman she is deep in her heart and for who God made her to be, this convicts and softens her.Read More
One night as Sarah and I were driving home from a small group Bible study, Sarah expressed some strong feelings that had been building up in her over several weeks.
“You were boring in our Bible study tonight,” she said, almost angrily. “You intimidate people with your silence. And when you do talk, you sometimes say something insensitive. What you said to the new couple came across poorly.”
This is a common question I receive from many husbands who have become intentional about opening up more often to their wives and sharing their hearts and needs. But when her response isn’t what they expected—in some cases the situation even worsens—they wonder, Why is she reacting this way? Can’t she see how I’m trying?
The following is my typical response:
I am uncertain why your wife has reacted in this way, but let me offer several possibilities.Read More
A Husband's Unloving Reaction Does Not Motivate a Wife's Respect! How effective is it for a husband to resolve, “I will be unloving to teach my wife to show me more respect”? That doesn’t make sense, does it?
Bottom line, a husband cannot talk to his wife in harsh, angry, and unloving ways to get her to show him more respect. He will only set off her complaints and criticisms.Read More
Growing up I noticed that my dad made a mistake in relationship to my mother. He would get angry and harsh with Mom. It appeared as though he was saying to her, "I'll teach you. I'll get angry in order to teach you to show me more respect. I'll remain embittered until you change. I will be harsh when I feel you are disrespectful."Read More
In part 1, we shared 1 Peter 3:1–2 and Peter’s command to a wife to remain respectful to her disobedient husband. The first major reason to do this is because by doing so they will find favor in the eyes of God. But there is a second major reason to put on unconditional respect. In doing so, a wife imitates Jesus Christ.
As a wife stops her disrespectful behavior and starts respectful behavior, she is following the example of Jesus who entrusted Himself to God who judges the wrongdoing of others.Read More
A woman wrote to me: "My husband has expressed that he does not love me and now is involved with another woman. I have read your book and have applied many things concerning this respect message. For instance, my husband even saved the ‘respect’ letters that I wrote to him. Any suggestions on how long I keep saying this or what else I can do to help him realize that our marriage is worth saving? Right now with him it seems to be hot one day and cold the next. Please help."Read More
Do husbands have a double standard? Emerson and Jonathan invite you to join them this week and consider one that they have observed. Some wives hear from their husbands, “I can look at women because God designed me to look at the female figure, but you must not look at men.” While the subject of pornography is an important issue this episode is not about that. Instead, this episode looks at husbands who habitually look at women around them.Read More
This series was also posted as a podcast. Don’t miss last week’s series, “Why do Good Willed Wives Feel Frustrated?“ In part 1 and part 2, we introduced a mom and dad who had strongly different opinions on whether or not their son was ready to drive. We also discussed the inconsistencies found in the good willed and loving mom’s argument that the husband is having trouble getting past. In this last part, let’s get down to exactly what mom and dad are truly feeling and how they can best get through this in a loving and respectful way.Read More
This series was also posted as a podcast. Don’t miss last week’s series, “Why do Good Willed Wives Feel Frustrated?“ In part 1, I shared a letter I received from a husband who found himself disrespected when he held a different opinion than his wife about whether or not their son was ready to begin driving. Here in part 2 we will discuss in detail the inconsistencies in mom’s insistence in her husband acquiescing to her strong feelings in the matter.Read More