How Do I Respect THAT? 

Review Ephesians 5:33 which instructs a wife to put on respect, then read 1 Peter 3:1,2. In these Biblical verses, Peter offers wisdom on how to deal with a "disobedient" husband. Verse 2 says that you can win a disobedient husband through your respectful behavior. 

Peter knew this husband did not deserve respect so why is the wife encouraged to treat him respectfully? This passage invites you to suffer, or at least act contrary to your womanly nature. For example, as a woman, to resolve marital conflict you must talk. How else can you emotionally connect? Therefore, to win your husband without a word sounds ridiculous, and to put on respect toward a man who doesn't deserve respect sounds ludicrous, making you the fool. In other words, “How do I respect THAT?” 

Lisa shared on the video that this is certainly how she felt. In her mind, her husband Mike did not deserve her respect. Their marriage was headed for divorce, and she was ready to move out. But then she was challenged with this message: to win her husband with respect, in obedience to God’s Word. In her own words, she explains: 

As I read about unconditional respect I remember thinking there is absolutely no way I could do this. This is absurd. Nothing is wrong with me - it is all his fault and he cares enough about himself for the both of us! But I knew deep down God was calling me to do this respect thing and even though it went against every fiber of my being, I set my mind to be respectful to a man I did not respect. I decided to be obedient even if it felt hypocritical. I was determined to do every respectful activity so that when this method did not work I could look God and my children in the face and with a clear conscience say I did all I could. Doing these respectful things for my husband was very challenging, sometimes painful, and many times yielded no results that I could actually see. In spite of the negative thoughts I had and how I felt, something in me would not let me quit…believe me, I wanted to! 

This respect in 1 Peter 3 as well as a deeper teaching in 1 Peter 2 is referring to the fact that you give respect unconditionally. That’s a real stumbling block to women and that is why this is titled “How Do I Respect THAT?” This is a major obstacle to almost every wife. They hear, “You mean I have to respect his sin? I have to give him license to do whatever? I have to come in with pompoms and be his cheerleader and worship the guy?” 

Unconditional Means This

There is no condition or circumstance or situation that can get you to show contempt to your husband. Unconditional does not mean that you don’t respectfully confront issues. Unconditional means you respectfully confront. You give your husband a gift of a respectful delivery, you give your husband a gift of a respectful demeanor, and you give your husband the gift of respectful words. That is what unconditional means. There is no conversation, no situation or circumstance that “causes” you or “forces” you to speak with contempt. That’s your choice. It doesn’t mean you say “Hey, you can do whatever you want because I need to be a dutiful, respectful wife.” We still need to confront sin, but we can do so respectfully, as women of dignity. We will go deeper into this in future sessions. 

Apparently, though, as you enter quiet dignity, not preaching at your husband or scolding him as though you were his mother, something happens in his soul as a male. Peter believed that a respectful wife can change a disobedient husband. Put it this way. When a wife feels dishonored, misunderstood and unloved, she tends to react in disrespectful ways. Peter charges a wife to react differently. Why? No husband feels fond feelings of love and affection toward a wife he thinks despises who he is as a human being. Your respect, not disrespect, empowers you to convict your husband. Though he deserves disrespect, your disrespect won't soften him. 

Let’s hear from Lisa again, as she shares an example of how this happened in her efforts to obey 1 Peter 3:1,2. She says: 

Mike is a good willed man, but he was hurting. I remember God saying, “Lisa I love him just as much as I love you,” and that was a real eye opener for me. Mike now will say that in watching me honor God, he knew that God was changing my heart. He saw it wasn’t an act, it wasn’t manipulation. He really saw that I was deeply trying to honor God by honoring him in our marriage and being respectful. There were times when we would get on the crazy cycle and he would fully expect me to come back with a zinger. I am a very boisterous, independent female. I believe in telling it like it is and that is why we would get on the crazy cycle so much. 

He said that there was one particular time that he said something he knew would push my buttons. I didn’t respond at first, but then I came back with something kind and turned and walked away. It was in that moment that the Lord did a work in Mike’s heart. He came under such conviction. God can speak louder to our husband’s hearts than we can by yelling and nagging. Mike came to me with genuine humility and said, “I was wrong. I am so sorry.” That just melted me. 

Remember, your silence speaks far more to him than your words, but the silence must appear as respectful silence, not a contemptuous, angry silence. Don't use a heavy sigh or some sound that tells him of your disgust. Guard against this kind of thing. When and if he expresses a desire to talk, talk to him calmly and respectfully. 

One of the things we say to women in this situation is that this can go on for longer than you would like. Men are not as expressive responsive. They are thoughtful but they don’t tell you what they are feeling or thinking. But they are watching, and that is why you can win your husband without a word. Women want to talk, talk, talk about their feelings. They want to seek forgiveness, they want to say “I am sorry” in order to resolve this. To reconcile we need to talk, and move toward each other. We need to connect - that is the only way this relationship is going to make it. Or so we think! 

It is precisely the opposite with most men. They watch this behavior, but they don’t acknowledge it, they don’t affirm it, and then one day they completely soften and open up. What you have to do is take this by faith. You have to trust what we are saying here. Trust what Peter said, that you can win a disobedient husband without a word, by your respectful behavior. 

We are not saying this is a magic formula. But negative actions rarely produce positive results. If you are seeking a positive change in your marriage you will need to make a positive change in your attitude and actions. 

One of the biggest obstacles Christians face when seeking to act in obedience and change their actions are the lies they believe. Our thoughts generate our feelings and if not checked or brought under control, we can act based on our feelings rather than fact. We justify our actions, placing blame on what someone else has said or done. Yet how we respond is really our responsibility before God. How we react to a situation reveals more about us than about the other person. 

So let’s think about what you think about. When you are in a conflict with your husband, how do you feel? What is happening inside your heart? What thoughts are running through your mind? 

Ponder This

‍2 Corinthians 10:5 says, “We demolish arguments and every pretension that sets itself up against the knowledge of God, and we take captive every thought to make it obedient to Christ” (NIV). That means that every thought we have about ourselves and any situation we face must be lined up with the word of God. If it lines up, great! You are off to a good start. If it doesn’t, then it is not Truth and we need to change that thought. Could your wrong thinking be hindering God’s power and protection in your marriage? 

Let’s look at how we can take every thought captive, hold it up against the word of God and begin transforming our lives with a renewed mind. 

What are the negative thought patterns that inhibit you from being all that God has planned? How many times have you thought, “I can’t do that”? What about “this is hopeless” or “things will never change”? These thoughts that pop into our head are what we call our negative inner script. 

The Three R’s: Recognize, Replace, Repeat 

It is possible to change if you enlist God’s help! Here are three simple steps that, if grasped, can be life changing. 

Recognize: 

2 Corinthians 11:3 says: “But I am afraid that, as the serpent deceived Eve by his craftiness, your minds will be led astray from the simplicity and purity of devotion to Christ.” 

This verse says “your minds will be led astray…from your devotion to Christ.” There is a crafty enemy who tries to deceive us. He has whispered doubts and fears into minds since Eve; you and I are no exception. This is why we need to recognize the thoughts we have, especially when we are in conflict. We can be easily deceived in our minds. We assess our circumstances apart from who God is, what He says and what He can do. When we only listen to the negative/ deceptive thoughts we can end up reacting based on our wrong thinking, just like Eve! 

If you are in a situation where you know you are to be respectful and your husband is unloving, stop. What are you feeling? 

Next, what are you thinking? Think about the negative thoughts that led to your feelings. Write them down so you can see them. Bring them “into the light” so to speak. We want you to come to a point when every time those thoughts occur, you recognize them… “Oh, there it is again and that is a lie.” 

Now that you have recognized the negative thought, take action! As 2 Corinthians 10:5 says: “We demolish arguments and every pretension that sets itself up against the knowledge of God, and we take captive every thought to make it obedient to Christ” (NIV). This verse says “every thought” and if you consider the thoughts that race through our minds daily, that is a lot. This is a process! But as you learn to examine your thoughts, recognize the lies you may be hearing from the deceiver, and hold them up against the word of God, you will be able to control the lie before the lie controls you. 

Romans 12:2 says: “Do not conform to the pattern of this world, but be transformed by the renewing of your mind. Then you will be able to test and approve what God’s will is – His good, pleasing and perfect will” (NIV). Now I know some of you may not “feel” like changing anything about yourself. You may “feel” that there is nothing to change. Yet we all fall short of the glory of God. God will continue to teach us and refine us so that we are reflections of Jesus Christ. Ultimately this is all about you and God. 

Replace: 

Next we want you to find a scripture (God’s Truth) that will disprove the lie(s). For example: Replace “this is impossible” with, “With God all things are possible” (Matthew 19:26). Replace “I can’t do this” with, “I can do all things through Him who strengthens me” (Philippians 4:13). 

Write your verses down and put them where you will see them often. Commit them to memory. We are reminded constantly of all we can’t do; we need to be diligent in reminding ourselves what God CAN do! Below we have included a sample list to help you get started. 

Repeat: 

Joshua 1:8 says: “This book of the law shall not depart from your mouth, but you shall meditate on it day and night, so that you may be careful to do according to all that is written in it; for then you will make your way prosperous, and then you will have success.” 

God tells us to meditate on His Word day and night. The meaning behind meditation is to repeat it, over and over. When Satan tempted Jesus, notice that three times Jesus says, “It is written…it is written…it is written…” Jesus countered Satan’s lie with God’s Word each and every time. You can do the same! As the enemy whispers doubts, fears and lies to us, we need to be determined to consistently fight them with “the book of the law” (God’s Word). 

When we repeat God’s word – meditating on it day and night, Joshua 1:8 tells us “you will make your way prosperous, and then you will have success.” For instance, we will see our faith increasing, doubts and fears will slip away, and the lies that we have believed will no longer control us like before. That is true success! 

Romans 10:17 encourages us that faith comes by hearing and hearing by the word of Christ. That means the more we hear the promises of God and the more we hear who God says He is, the more our faith will increase. The more our faith increases the more we will believe that God is who He says He is and that He will do what He says He will do. 

When the negative thought re-appears, recognize it and then repeat your scripture verse. In time the lie will no longer be a thought in your head that affects your feelings. Instead, God’s truth will come to you and you will experience a hope that will spur you on to stay the course. In doing this, our prayer is that the word of God will not just be in your head, but will be down in your heart. With a new outlook and a better understanding of God’s promises, you will be on your way to a renewed mind and a changed life. Once you begin this journey we know you will be walking in a new found freedom - God’s design for your life! 

LIES vs. TRUTH – A Sample List of Negative Scripts 

Below are some examples of common negative statements, followed by a counteractive scripture verse. God’s Word is the truth that disproves the lie. 

• No one likes me, no one cares. “…Never will I leave you; never will I forsake you” (Hebrews 13:5 NIV). 
• I am afraid. “For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the LORD, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future” (Jeremiah 29:11 NIV). “Fear of man will prove to be a snare, but whoever trusts in the Lord is kept safe” (Proverbs 29:25 NIV). 
• I am anxious. “Cast your burden upon the LORD and He will sustain you; He will never allow the righteous to be shaken” (Psalm 55:22). 
• I don’t understand. “Trust in the LORD with all your heart and do not lean on your own understanding. In all your ways acknowledge Him, and He will make your paths straight” (Proverbs 3:5-6). 
• I can’t forgive, it hurts too much. “…if you hold anything against anyone, forgive them, so that your Father in heaven may forgive you ...” (Mark 11:25 NIV). 
• God would never forgive what I’ve done. “If we confess our sins, He is faithful and just to forgive us our sins and to cleanse us from all unrighteousness” (1 John 1:9). 
• I can’t. “I can do ALL things through Him who strengthens me” (Philippians 4:13). 
• This is an impossible situation. “…all things are possible with God” (Mk 10:27). “Now to him who is able to do immeasurably more than all we ask or imagine…” (Ephesians 3:20 NIV). 
• Give him a piece of my mind. “He was led like a lamb to the slaughter… He did not open His mouth” (Isaiah 53:7 NIV). 
• I am heartbroken. “He heals the broken hearted and binds up their wounds” (Psalm 147:3). 

When you reflect on your thoughts and feelings when in conflict with your husband, which lie do you relate to? Mark the ones you struggle with. 

Let’s Do This! 

Assuming that you’ll have a point of tension or conflict with your husband this week, evaluate what’s happening inside your heart, by practicing the 3 R’s. 

1. Recognize: Examine yourself. Write down the feelings you had during (and after) this conflict. Remember, our thoughts generate our feelings. What was going on in your mind? Were you disrespectful in your thoughts and/or words during the conflict? Write down your inner script. This may be difficult at first, but stay with it until you begin to remember your thoughts. If you feel stuck, go back to the examples given in the Sample List of Negative Scripts to see if you relate to any of the lies given. Ask the Lord to help you take these thoughts captive! 
2. Replace: What scriptures will you commit to memory to help you become transformed by the renewing of your mind? Choose scriptures that specifically counter the lies that were present in your negative script above. If you need help with this, ask your Leader or someone in your group to help you. 
3. Repeat: Write your verses on a card and carry them with you to review. Read them out loud when you are able, and repeat often, meditating on God’s Word as it says in Joshua 1:8. 

Let’s Reflect 

Ask God to help you renew your mind as you focus on His Truth. Listen to His voice. What is He saying to you? 

Praise Report 

Keep track of any positive changes in your life and/or marriage, no matter how small. Share at least one praise with the group next week.